DH has done something lovely but I am furious with him about it. Can you help me articulate why???

[TeaFor6]

Brief background is we have been married 9 years, mostly very happy. 4DC DC aged 8, 5 and 6month old twins.

Previously we have always had at least 1 holiday abroad a year. With the (unplanned) arrival of 2 babies things are obviously a bit tighter money wise. So we agreed we would not go abroad this year but would do days out and maybe a long wknd somewhere for ‘holidays’. I can’t lie- I was a tiny bit disappointed about not going abroad. I know it’s a bit of a first world problem but I do look forward to getting away. But I didn’t make any kind of fuss about it and I am excited for what we do have planned.

Anyway, this morning DH sits me and DDs down and announces he has booked a ‘surprise’ holiday abroad. Due to fly in 3 weeks! He booked it over a month ago. I could just about get over him booking it without telling me but I am livid that he chose to tell me at the same time as the DC’s. I am NOT a bloody child. We are supposed to be equals, partners who make decisions about these things together. Surely I’m not wrong on this???

I KNOW he was trying to do a nice thing for me but I just feel so undermined and patronised! And he just doesn’t think things through. He’s booked us a villa. So has he thought about if its in a practical location i.e. easy to push a double buggy around? Close to restaurants/supermarkets? (self-catering of course, so will he be doing all the cooking/washing up? I doubt it) Are there things for the girls to do? Is the house practical with 2 young babies? No. He hasn’t thought about any of that. Nor the inconvenient flight times (fly out at 1am). Plus I will now have to cancel appointments for that week, and a party invite for DD1 that she had already accepted.

On the less practical side I’m upset because I would have liked to have some say in choosing the holiday myself. I love looking through brochures, choosing where to go and counting down the weeks until we leave and I feel a bit like he’s taken that away from me (very childish I know, but it’s how I feel)
I know some people will say I’m being ungrateful and maybe I am, but I suppose I’m pissed off because its just another example of him making a bloody great decision without discussing it with me and just expecting me to put up with it. (It's not that long since we had a big discussion about him doing this and I thought we'd got somewhere but obviously not. It's like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter ) And it feels like he’s done all the fun bits on his own and just left me to think about the practical stuff as usual Plus it might have been nice to have the fun of telling the DCs together. Now he's SuperDad and I get no credit (again very, very childish I know)

I’m trying to explain some of this to him but I’m one of those people who, when I get angry and frustrated, I end up in tears It’s pretty hard to sound sane and reasonable when your voice cracks into a sob every time you try and say something!

Am I right for feeling like this? He just can’t understand why I’m upset and I feel guilty for being so angry when he really was trying to do a nice thing I'm just sick of always feeling like the miserable one who puts a dampener on everything. I don't want to always have to think about the practical side but somebody has to! How do I get through to him??

no but my dp isn't always happy when I fuck up, we all do it.

Considering it was a month or so between the puppy and booking the holiday, it could be considered escalation.
I would understand if it was a year later. A month almost sounds like revenge.
What will be next?

It's the same with abusers. It doesn't matter why they do it, of if they do it on purpose or can't help it.
What matters are the consequences of their behaviour and whether they are capable of taking ownership for that behaviour and change it.

If he still can't see what he did that was wrong, he'll keep doing it again and again.
It's your choice, Tea, to put up with it or not.
That could mean LTB or simply not going along with his crap surprises.

How are you getting from airport to villa? Has he hired a car? Is it big enough? Has he sorted car seats etc? Holiday insurance?

Agree with trolls He should take responsibility for his actions.

Vampre in this fuck up it seems to me that the OP is going to be expected to pay the price.

European health cards ( if relevant) ?

OP, poor you.

PUppygate thread is linked upthread, Vampyre. I suggest you read it, then you'll get the bigger picture.

I agree that 11am is an unlikely check-in time for the villa, it's more likely to be the check-out time. And if he has a 1am flight going out to wherever, the return flight could well be at a similar time in the morning - around 5am, I'd say. I've done this when I went to a Greek island for a week with friends, and we had to be out of our apartment by 10am, find somewhere to store our bags for the day, then be at the airport for 3am for a 5am flight - we were fucking shattered.
And yes, the reason for those flight times is that they are often the cheapest ones, which is why he's been able to afford it. As they're tight for money, upgrading 4 seats and 2 babies is probably un-doable. :(

Tea - you need to get all the details of this "holiday" yourself to make sure that you know what you're in for - and then consider breaking a leg to get out of it! (Not really )

Oh dear, the two incidents happening so close together make it hard to be ok about this.

Would he agree to sit down and talk about it? Or maybe through a mediator or councellor?

If he has a good job, then he's capable of seeing patterns in things - so the question is, why doesn't he 'see' the pattern in his own behaviour? And is he willing to work on it or will he just leave it as something he's happy to do/ unwilling or unable to change.

I think you need to decide what you're ok with - don't waste your life trying to change someone who won't change. My mother did exactly that and it turned her into a nasty bitter husk.

On the other hand you may be ok with this flaw and decide that you are happy even if this continues, and that's a perfectly reasonable decision!

Just please don't pretend you're ok with it and silently be in pain, it would be miserable for you. Oh and definitely don't do what my mum did - learn from her mistake at least!

Good luck whatever happens

SC with 4 small children. It will just be chores and stress with a different view. I don't think this counts as a holiday, and that is before considering the flight times and check in to the villa time.

Can you change the flight times to the next morning? Any chance of cancelling the villa and getting two rooms in a hotel? Or taking the GPs with you? DH has got to rearrange things, the whole thing looks hideous at the moment.

I did a 6 month stint at a villa complex. Check in time was 2pm. Check out 10am or 11am.
He needs to arrange an early check in or an extra night so that when you arrive you have immediate access.
Or he should change the flight. Him, not you.

Can you tell us where it is? You never know someone might have been there (or worked there). Sorry if it has already been mentioned.

Just don't go. Send him with the older children and in-laws.

It's beginning to look like he has some personality flaw where he (a) needs adulation and (b) is incapable of seeing things from viewpoints other than his own. How is he at empathising in general?

What do you think of the 'he goes with older DCs +/- PILs, you have a quiet week at home with twins' idea, tea? The older DCs get their holiday, DH has to do the work and manage the consequences of his actions....

But it seems like part of the problem is that he doesn't pull his weight with the little ones and prioritises fun with the older Dc. Maybe OP and older DC should go and he should stay home with the twins!

Just to clarify, I didn't mean the OP should be grateful, I meant she will end up having to seem so or cause a major rift with PILs, as from their point of view they have been really generous. I would be v. annoyed to be put in that position.

Ha ha ha. Just summarised this thread to DH. First off he started off asking if MN was packed with man-hating harpies, but now we've discussed the logistics he says the OP should tell him she's staying home with the twins and he understands. Just the flights made him shudder. We want to know if he's booked seats for twins cause if you've both got a baby in a bassinet on the tables in front of you, who's getting up to take the older girls to the loo?

I do agree with the points made above in many ways BUT you're going on HOLIDAY!!!

Spring into action with the logistics, take yourself bikini shopping, leave the details of airport parking etc etc to DH, and forgive him for trying to make you happy with a surprise holiday which has back fired on him....

Leave the kids with him as much as possible over the next few weeks so he gets how hard it is (while you are bikini shopping) and be silent about it, just leave the house and say "be back in time for bedtime...."

Why argue and freak out about it? Turn it to your advantage.

I'm sorry for bringing up the gap between arrival and check in but I think you need to know exactly what you're letting yourself in for. I've stayed in hundreds of SC villas and check in is usually 2pm so I'd have a look at the paperwork and not take your Dh's word

Seriously, why would you even consider going? You're not a dog that has to follow her master, you have your own story that isn't written by him.

I honestly, genuinely, not-a-feminist-fantasy, would not do this to myself.
, or to my babies.

Oddfodd you really shouldn't apologise for thinking of that - you've given the OP a good warning of further potential trauma that could come! Absolutely she needs to find this out, so that contingency plans can be made for it.

You need to see all the paperwork. Oddfodd makes an excellent point re the check in time for the villa. My parents used to take us on such holidays and rarely if ever were we able to check into said property until lunchtime/early afternoon when the agent arrived with the keys.

This is already turning out to be a holiday from hell and it will be remembered for all the wrong reasons. I would not personally subject myself to any of this, let alone your children. After travelling all night as well none of you will be able to think straight and you will all be tired, hungry and fractious.

I would invite his parents to join you then tell him "TA DAH! Isn't it a lovely surprise?"

I would say nothing more negative, or you run the risk of him being the good guy and you're the party pooper.

Let him decide what you do for the 3 hours before you can get into the villa. If he asks you, smile and say "You choose. I don't mind."

Don't clean up his mess. Let him think through the consequences of his actions and take responsibility if it all goes wrong.

His heart's in the right place, but his head's up his arse

Hope you have a good time.

There are 300 posts already so I haven't read them.

I think your H knew you were disappointed in not having your usual foreign holiday. In laws contributed towards it and he booked a foreign villa as a surprise.

I think it was a lovely gesture to make you happy and you have completely over reacted - indeed your list of 'issues' in the OP make you come across as very very controlling.

Pack up your car, go on holiday and enjoy a family holiday.

(s/c can be bread cheese, cold meats fruit and salads for a week - it doesn't have to be a mega effort).