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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So resentful of DP :(

89 replies

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 14:38

And it's eating me up. I'm resentful of alsorts:

The fact that he smokes, doesn't drive, works away sometimes at short notice meaning that I can't commit to a job, or a class or hobby, he's the COMPLETE opposite of me so I find it impossible to relate to him, he has a loving supportive family whereas I don't, I've got a good education and revised hard for my exams while he saw them as a joke and has barely any qualifications, he used to take coke and have a "party lifestyle" whereas I've been a mum since 18, we will never be able to buy a house together and there is no financial security with him - the list goes on.

I don't want to kiss him or have sex with him. I think if I hadn't got pregnant within 2 months of meeting him we wouldn't be together 4 years on.

Most of all I resent myself for being with someone like this. He's essentially a good person, so I'm scared of leaving him and ending up with someone worse...

I know the quick answer is just to leave him but it's not that easy is it?

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 04/07/2014 14:49

The easy bit is leaving him lovely, the hard bit is making sure you don't hook up with the same type. This involves examining the reasons you found him acceptable in the first place, other than Falling pregnant of course.

He sounds like a too laid back cock lodger, perhaps it has run it's course.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2014 14:51

Its easier to leave than to heap a further life of misery on yourself with this person. Surely your child deserves better too than this?. What do you want to teach your child about relationships here, surely not this piss poor model of one?.

Is he "essentially a good person" really? or would you like to think that he is despite all the evidence to the contrary. I think that smacks of denial. He reads like a deadbeat cocklodger along with you kidding yourself that deep down he is any sort of decent role model to you and your child. He was never your project to rescue and or save either.

Given your own unsupportive family background you were probably drawn to someone like him originally because you thought you did not deserve any better. He was to start with probably the only one who gave you any attention and or interest.

I would suggest you look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme and further sort out your own self esteem and self worth issues through counselling. You have to love your own self first, infact love your own self for a change.

You simply cannot afford to embark on yet another relationship with a Loser like this bloke or someone of a similarly abusive nature, you need time and space to heal your own self first and reset your relationship radar. Its well skewed currently and that could lead you straight into another abusive relationship, abusive men seemingly have radar for spotting and hooking up with outwardly seemingly confident with very shaky self worth underneath.

Only1scoop · 04/07/2014 14:54

You have obviously had to grow up quickly having a family at 18. You obviously want the best life possible for you and dc....

Resentment tends to get worse and sounds like you are outgrowing him.

Original poster

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 14:58

I do have quite low self-esteem, although this is MUCH better than when I met him. We fancied each other like crazy and tbh I thought it was just be another fun fling that would run its course. I was due to go to uni in the September - found out I was pregnant in the August.

We've got three DC, Attila. And youre right in a way, he has done some things tht definitely cannot be described as good. I definitely need to work on myself. I wouldn't jump into another relationship.

It sounds big headed but for a long time I thought I was this awful, hideous person. Now I'm mid twenties, I can see that I'm kind, friendly, funny, chatty and not option bad looking! I could, in theory, start over. Or I could stay with him and feel the same in 40 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 15:00

"Outgrowing" is the perfect word.

I admit I was immature when I met him. Had a very "we can poor and happy... All we need is each other" type attitude. Well that's not the case, I need security for the DC.

OP posts:

Original poster

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 15:01

Oh god, sorry for typos.

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heyho1985 · 04/07/2014 15:27

Does he help with kids? Do you think you would struggle if he wasn't around? I know leaving is terrifying but sounds like you aren't happy and you would be strong enough to go it alone

Original poster

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 15:57

Yeh he helps a lot with the kids.

I'm never truly happy, don't know if that's down to bad choices I've made or just who I am. If its the latter then I feel like I may as well stay with my DCs father, you know?

OP posts:

Original poster

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 15:58

I don't think I'd struggle without him here, apart from garden/DIY etc

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ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 04/07/2014 16:10

I think if its that bad maybe you should consider trial seperation?

Original poster

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 16:26

I kind of have suggested that before, but this is what happens. Either:

he talks me round and I let him stay and things are fantastic for a few weeks
he does gently agree to go, but I freak out and say he can stay!

I can't bear to think of him enjoying life without me; meeting someone else...

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 04/07/2014 16:30

Speak to him. He may actually be as unhappy in this relationship as you are.

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 16:33

'I can't bear to think of him enjoying life without me; meeting someone else...'

Why though??

Seriouslyffs · 04/07/2014 16:33

I can't bear to think of him enjoying life without me; meeting someone else...

Wow. No one put a gun to your head and made you have three children with him. I feel sorry for him. He hasn't changed- except for not taking coke any more, he's good with the children, works away at short notice- ie works to support the family.

Could you study part time? OU? You need to sit down and plan how to be more secure financially. Whether you stay with him or not.

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 16:36

Tbh I don't think he is the source of your unhappiness. I think you are dissatisfied with your lot. Why can't you use childcare to get into the workplace

Only1scoop · 04/07/2014 16:38

'I can't bear to think of him enjoying life with someone else'

He is a good dad and a nice person....

You chose to have 3 kids with him....I just thought you had one....

Think maybe you aren't as mature as you think....

Original poster

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 16:41

Why? Well, well would anyone want to see their ex move on?! The thought makes me feel sick, tbh :(

Hmm trust me seriouslyffs, it's not that clear cut. He has been AWFUL in the past. Now he's not, but my resentment is so deep.

I love studying and I'd love to study, but it's too expensive. Same reason I can't really work right now - DC are 5, 3 and 1 so the childcare would be extortionate.

I have spoken to him, loads of times. He never says he's unhappy. But he's never been in a relationship either, so probably just doesn't know any different.

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Original poster

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 16:43

Only two of the DC are his. The first child with him was NOT planned, although very much loved. The second child was planned, but I used to adore him back then. Even though he treated me pretty shit, in hindsight

Oops, didnt mean to write "well" so many times in last post!

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Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 16:46

The university will help with childcare costs.

And I haven't minded my exs moving on with others. You can't have your cake and eat it.

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 16:47

You would get your student loans etc. have you ever looked into it?

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 16:47

Have you checked your entitlement to childcare tax credit

Thurlow · 04/07/2014 16:49

I think you need to separate out what's going on here.

Most of the things you list are, to me, a mix of being incompatible as a couple and just the standard difficulties life throws at you sometimes.

he smokes - tell him to stop if it bothers you that much, make it a dealbreaker

doesn't drive - could he learn? or is it just one of those things he hasn't been able to get around to and now you don't have the money for it?

his work - sadly this is a common one, plenty of people within a relationship have a job that makes life harder for the other one

his family, his education and his former lifestyle - sorry, but in the nicest possible way those comments just sound quite... jealous, to me. Or even snobby.

It may simply be that you were attracted to each other a few years ago, but now you're growing up you're realising that you are no longer compatible and don't share many interests. And that's fine: that sounds like a perfectly reasonable reason to amicable end a relationship. There also might be problems with work and finances, which imo should be given an opportunity to work through rather than be an immediate relationship ender.

But very little of it sounds like it is actively his fault. Again in the nicest possible way, you sound like you are picking faults in him - yet you say you don't want anyone else to have him? It's confusing.

adaorarda · 04/07/2014 16:49

Why? Well, well would anyone want to see their ex move on?! The thought makes me feel sick, tbh

If you're not happy with him, why would you not want to see him move on?? that's quite cruel!

if you don't want to be with him, wish him well and move on. if you want to be with him, i think counselling might help you clarify things a little. you sound really confused so i think the latter might help more.

Original poster

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 16:51

I've already been to uni twice so I'm not eligible for anything sadly.

Forgot about childcare tax credit tbh. But then, there isn't exactly an abundance in jobs in our small town. It took DP months to find a job here :(

Well no, I wouldn't mind if he moved on months afterwards, but of course I'd be upset if it was fast. The DC don't need to see that for a start.

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Original poster

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 16:53

I have had counselling but it finished as I was doing so well I'd be embarrassed to go back to the GP to be honest.

The jealousy comment - yep, spot on. I'm an extremely jealous person. He knows this, Ive explained in my better moments. He is learning to drive and has changed to an e-cig, although sometimes still smokes at work.

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