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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So resentful of DP :(

89 replies

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 14:38

And it's eating me up. I'm resentful of alsorts:

The fact that he smokes, doesn't drive, works away sometimes at short notice meaning that I can't commit to a job, or a class or hobby, he's the COMPLETE opposite of me so I find it impossible to relate to him, he has a loving supportive family whereas I don't, I've got a good education and revised hard for my exams while he saw them as a joke and has barely any qualifications, he used to take coke and have a "party lifestyle" whereas I've been a mum since 18, we will never be able to buy a house together and there is no financial security with him - the list goes on.

I don't want to kiss him or have sex with him. I think if I hadn't got pregnant within 2 months of meeting him we wouldn't be together 4 years on.

Most of all I resent myself for being with someone like this. He's essentially a good person, so I'm scared of leaving him and ending up with someone worse...

I know the quick answer is just to leave him but it's not that easy is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 17:42

If he was working away I'd have to miss it, maybe for weeks on end

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 04/07/2014 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 04/07/2014 17:46

You may be resenting him because you no longer love him, even if you are afraid to move on. I remember some one saying "it gets to the point that everything bothers you from what he says to the way he holds the spoon". I certainly felt like that before Ex and I decided to split.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 04/07/2014 17:50

It only takes two false "false starts" at uni to ruin your chances and be at university twice by the age you reach op's age.

A lot of women who get a pregnant may be in this situation, it only takes for someone to enrol having young children and then realising there is too much work to do or not enough chill are help available. There are plenty of students who have similar experiences.

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 17:51

I went to uni for 2 months at 18 and had the child at 19 (didn't mean to put 18, sorry) and for 6 months at 21, then left to have second baby and didn't go back.

Everything he does certainly does irritate the fuck out of me. This is really upsetting!

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 18:09

Set him free then. Why waste your life. You would still qualify for funding to go to uni. You won't have exhausted your funding entitlements if you have only had funding for those short periods of time.

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 18:11

I've asked 1000 times and I can't get funding :( my time at uni passed the point of being classed as a whole year.

OP posts:
tanukiton · 04/07/2014 18:16

How about the OU?

IF you really want to be with him, start with the drivers licence.

IF you don't want to be with him let him go.

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 18:17

Is that just at one uni. I say this because I got an extra year of funding. I was told that was the max the LA would allow though. Going by your time scales it would seem like in total you only had a years funding.

You could try googling educational trusts or ask if you can apply to the access to learning fund explaining you dropped out due to pregnancy etc but that you are now keen to return.

slithytove · 04/07/2014 18:20

You started your adult life (as in, being responsible for someone else) very young.

What did you do before that that made you happy? Hobbies, activities? Who were you before children?

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 18:21

I don't think he should have to be badgered into getting his licence. The op has one. He's onto it he doesn't need harassing. Surely the issues here are the OPs and not his. I don't think her unhappiness is stemming from him it's more from the fact that she is unhappy with the way her life is right now.

Not driving surely can't be a deal breaker after having 3 kids together!

slithytove · 04/07/2014 18:26

Everything he does certainly does irritate the fuck out of me

This isn't abnormal, not even in happy relationships.

There are times when I feel like this about DH with the most minor petty stuff, and it takes a huge effort to step back and look at myself, to realise that my real issue is me, and my lack of control over my own life, so I try to control another person, and get annoyed when that doesn't go as I want.

Could be anything - my weight, the monotony of being a sahm, the mess in the house, money etc.

So this isn't necessarily the death knell to your relationship (taking into account I don't know your DP's past misdeeds or whether they are surmountable), but it does need addressing. For the happiness of the whole family.

slithytove · 04/07/2014 18:28

Have you been to uni twice but not left with a degree? Admittedly I don't know much about it, but I imagine you could join on the same course at the same uni and receive funding, I would try and speak to a professional (cab?) regarding this and find out what you could do.

And I would do that regardless of whether you stay with DP or not. I have a strong feeling that if you did break up, your life would not change for the better.

What did you try to study?

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 18:31

It was at two unis, different courses. I have two years funding left so would need to fund the first year myself - same applies to OU. And obviously its £1000s.

Before DC? I was at 6th form, and quite enjoyed that, but never did anything with friends after school, unless it involved drinking. I was loud but secretly had zero confidence. No hobbies really. Parents hated me. Hence why I just wanted to start my own family.

Fucks sake now I'm seething because he went to the pub after work without telling me, just like last week, when I said its common courteousy to let someone know you'll be late! Just feel like shit, but then I did anyway.

The driving thing does piss me off. I feel like the bloke in the relationship as I'm the one with the car! Oh well, at least I've got that independence I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 18:34

That's true, I am a bit of a control freak. Its wrong I know but it annoys me when he doesn't do things I want him to do.

I tried to do Psychology, then Midwifery. I could, in theory, go back to Midwifery and start over (if I got in, that is!) But I do not have the confidence. I wanted to do it but I'm rubbish around people and not practical at all so the only bit I was good at was the essays!!

OP posts:
slithytove · 04/07/2014 18:56

Ok, so it sounds like there are things that need sorting in your relationship and for you as an individual. Predating this relationship.

I wonder if because there is so much bothering you, that when you try and approach problems like DP going to the pub without notice (which would annoy me too), it comes across wrong.

Put a pin in the studying idea for now. Though when the time comes, consider a student loan for the first year as you won't have to pay it back until earning quite a bit (circa £20k I believe). Also consider a levels or alternative studying if uni won't work out.

Go back to the GP and seek counselling.

Make a huge massive (secret) list of the things DP does to annoy you. Separate that into 2 categories - his issue and your issue. Then each day or week, tackle one. So if it pisses you off that he (for instance) doesn't change the loo roll, work on letting it go until it no longer bothers you, because it's not a deal breaker.

As for the other, hopefully shorter list, start working on it with DP. It sounds like small changes, like him texting you that he is going to the pub, could make a big difference. If he doesn't, this may help you decide that life with him is not going to work out.

And finally, choose a hobby, something you can do at home or not to a schedule. Try a bunch of stuff until something sticks.

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 18:57

Op you should apply to midwifery. You never know you might get in this year for September start. You've got nothing to lose.

You have to make changes if your not happy or the cycle will continue. Don't think about applying too much just do it. Your confidence can grow and develop as you get older. Life is what you make it. You can always do college on an evening and use a babysitter when your dp is away.

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 18:59

Also op you might be able to get a career development loan from the bank to pay your first lot of fees

EllieQ · 04/07/2014 19:04

You say on the first page that only two of your three children are his, but also say you were planning to go to university until you accidentally got pregnant with his child. So did you already have a child but couldn't manage university with looking after two children, or is there a messier story here?

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 19:10

Had a child
Applied to uni
Got place
Met DP
Got pregnant
Started uni at 8 weeks pregnant
Left at 29 weeks
Never went back - lost confidence and decided to be a SAHM

Then got pregnant again.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 19:11

Thanks, slithy, I like the list idea. This is impossible with pmt, he's saying the pub thing isn't a big deal, I want to punch him!

OP posts:
EllieQ · 04/07/2014 19:16

Thanks, I wasn't sure if I was confused or reading your posts wrong!

It sounds as though you were both very young when you met - maybe you've just grown apart? Most of the people I know who got together in late teens/ early twenties haven't stayed together, just because they've changed a lot in that time.

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 19:18

We were 21 and 19 and contrary to popular belief on here I think I have grown up a lot - without him

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 04/07/2014 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 19:26

I'm very angry with myself, and did say so in my OP.

Hate how I've ended up with someone that pisses me off so much. I can't cope with his family. We have such different interests.

OP posts: