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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So resentful of DP :(

89 replies

MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 14:38

And it's eating me up. I'm resentful of alsorts:

The fact that he smokes, doesn't drive, works away sometimes at short notice meaning that I can't commit to a job, or a class or hobby, he's the COMPLETE opposite of me so I find it impossible to relate to him, he has a loving supportive family whereas I don't, I've got a good education and revised hard for my exams while he saw them as a joke and has barely any qualifications, he used to take coke and have a "party lifestyle" whereas I've been a mum since 18, we will never be able to buy a house together and there is no financial security with him - the list goes on.

I don't want to kiss him or have sex with him. I think if I hadn't got pregnant within 2 months of meeting him we wouldn't be together 4 years on.

Most of all I resent myself for being with someone like this. He's essentially a good person, so I'm scared of leaving him and ending up with someone worse...

I know the quick answer is just to leave him but it's not that easy is it?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 04/07/2014 16:54

I used to be just as resentful of my DH. My lack if career and my weight etc.

Then I realised that although I was limited in many respects, I was using this as an excuse not to be doing what I could do and was letting opportunity pass me by.

I have friends with children who work and study too. I don't know how they do it but they make it work and find solutions.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 04/07/2014 16:55

I think your more scared of being on your own than anything.

You would rather be with some one you hate than be single.

Go get some counciling.

Stop looking for excuses to get a job.

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 16:56

Thanks, Joysmum.

I did used to use it as an excuse in some respects - so I've widened my social circle and now have play dates, friends, nights out, baby groups. Just the work thing I need to tackle really. Not that that will make me instantly happy!

I WANT to love him. I really do. Feel very guilty about all this.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 16:57

The DC don't need to see that for a start.

You're hilarious!

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 16:59

I quite like being in my own when he's working away - but then he isn't free to shag who he wants etc. It would kill me knowing he was doing that.

I'm not exactly looking for excuses, I am, terrified of getting a job. What difference would it make? Genuine question. We'd still never get a house or anything, he's destroyed his credit rating. And then I wouldn't have time with the DC that I won't get back.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 16:59

Hilarious??

Nice.

OP posts:
slithytove · 04/07/2014 17:08

He doesn't sound like a bad guy. Just that perhaps you aren't suited.

Have you talked to him about your dissatisfaction with life in general? After all, it's not his fault that your family aren't supportive and his are - the latter being a good thing of course!

As for the growing up and changing - it's a difficult one. It's to be expected, it's no ones fault, but this does mean that people can grow apart, especially when one changes more drastically than the other. DH and I have been together since 19, and luckily seem to be growing up together and in similar ways - but this could easily have been different.

Personally, I would suggest some counselling for you, looking at your own life and what you can do to make yourself happy. Once you are capable of that, the decision about whether you and DP can be together should be clearer if not easier.

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 17:13

Thank you for the advice. I think I probably do need more help.

I have talked to him about it loads of times, but I can tell he just does not understand. He's generally optimistic and happy-go-lucky so says things like "It'll be ok" and nothing actually gets sorted.

OP posts:
Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 04/07/2014 17:13

Is this actually a joke thread?

What difference would it make going out and getting a job? Maybe some self respect instead of sitting on your arse blaming your dp why you can't get a job.

You need some direction in your life. The old "oh, I don't want to work because I will miss out on my kids" is a cop out.

Grow up!

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 17:17

You're just whining op. I get that your frustrated but you need to stop making out like he's the issue here when he isn't. Why don't you drive?

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 17:17

Yes of course its a joke and I'm a troll, glad my life has brought you some entertainment to your evening.

OP posts:
slithytove · 04/07/2014 17:18

Just read that you are mid twenties! So so many people aren't anywhere near buying a house at that age, or growing up in many ways. There is time for all of that.

The things you describe can be sorted. He could get another job enabling you to have a job/hobby/etc. You could take up a hobby which is unscheduled in the meantime. You could get a job on a zero hours contract which you could do when he is back.

He can clear his credit rating! (6 years iirc) and he is learning to drive. None of these things are insurmountable in a happy relationship and that is the crux of it. These relatively insignificant things are mounting up because you are clearly unhappy.

Smoking - he can quit. And failing that, he can cape, you can ban smoking in the house, around you and kids etc. There are ways around this. I have sympathy because I've been trying to get DH to quit for 3 years. He has the odd cheeky one but we are almost there and it's wonderful.

Have you looked into studying? I think you would get a decent amount of financial help considering you are already well educated and have young children. Perhaps not uni but there are other avenues to further education - if you consider it, I'm sure there are boards on mn where experts will be able to advise.

From your posts, it does sound like DP is trying to change, just that it's not going to be good enough for you because you are unhappy anyway :( which is not a criticism of you.

Don't be embarrassed about going back to the GP - if it means you could be happier in your life (even if you do end up leaving DP), then it's well worth it!

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 17:20

I do drive.

OP posts:
slithytove · 04/07/2014 17:21

I can understand why it feels like DP is the issue. If you are unhappy in general, it is far far easier to pick up on faults in others than look inside ourselves to fix what is wrong there. Because that is a lot of responsibility. And I think counselling would help you there definitely.

What would happen if you sat him down, kids in bed, glass of wine and telly off, and said "DP, I am very unhappy and dissatisfied with my life. What should we do?"

Floggingmolly · 04/07/2014 17:21

You got pregnant at 18, which scuppered your chance of going to university as planned. This was 4 years ago. But you've already been to uni twice?? Hmm.

You sound a little lot confused...

slithytove · 04/07/2014 17:22

What are you educated in, and did you ever have a job?

I assume you went to uni as a parent since you had your first DC at 18?

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 17:23

And thank you, that was all good advice. I think I feel worse because I've got PMT - sounds pathetic but it is crippling.

I've looked into studying and there's a very small window of getting some funding. Not for uni, though.

Didn't think of the mortgage thing like that - thank you.

OP posts:
adaorarda · 04/07/2014 17:24

Even though he treated me pretty shit, in hindsight

can you elaborate?

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 17:26

I can't elaborate, as everyone would accuse me of drip feeding, then tell me to LTB. I just want the resentment to stop. Preferably without having to leave!

OP posts:
irregularegular · 04/07/2014 17:28

Nothing to do with the OP - but why on earth do some people feel the need to weigh in immediately with 'he's a cocklodger'. Nothing the OP said indicated that. For a start, her DH works!

It's so predictable and unhelpful and pretty unpleasant tbh.

adaorarda · 04/07/2014 17:30

if you resent him for things that people will tell your to LTB over, then there is no magic wand method for making the resentment go away. hard but true.

is he still treating you in this way?

if not, did he apologise for it or make it up to you?

i have a sense that this person is not actually right for you at all, in any way, but you're too scared and jealous to leave. when PMT comes around it all comes tumbling out. then when PMT is over you try to stuff it all down again. is that what's happening?

DottyDooRidesAgain · 04/07/2014 17:34

It is a situation of your own making.

I would be devastated to know my DH only stayed with me because he didn't want anyone else to be with me.

If you resent him and don't want him then ask him to leave.

You want your life to change yet you are doing nothing to change it. If he is carrying on regardless and sees nothing wrong with the relationship but you do then it is down to you to make the changes.

Original poster
MyCrazyLife · 04/07/2014 17:35

Yes that's right actually. The stuff isn't still going on, don't know if it ever will again though iyswim?

And no I'd never ever be with a cocklodger. He does a lot for me/with kids/around the house.

OP posts:
ChickenFajitasAndNachos · 04/07/2014 17:36

Why can't you commit to a hobby?

adaorarda · 04/07/2014 17:42

it sounds to me like you don't trust him to treat you well. you can't ignore that and it won't magically get better.

there are a few options, 1. he proves that he can treat you well and you rebuild your trust, 2. he doesn't prove himself/you don't ever "believe in" him again and you're unhappy forever, or 3. you split up.

you've got to talk to him and he's got to be on board for 1. to work. are you an avoidant person? if so this may not be feasible without therapy that specifically coaches you to address these issues. he may also not have the emotional skill to facilitate it. he may resent you for even bringing it up. you would know better than us.

you are currently doing 2. and i don't think that's working for you.

i would try 1., if you can't stomach that or if it goes down the shitter after you address it, then realistically you can only do 3. if that's the case, get therapy to learn to let go of him.

the children are 1,000,000 times worse off with a mother who resents their father, vs. two parents moving on. don't kid yourself that you should just grit your teeth, say nothing and stay together for the children. you'll ruin their lives.