So resentful of DP :(

[MyCrazyLife]

And it's eating me up. I'm resentful of alsorts:

The fact that he smokes, doesn't drive, works away sometimes at short notice meaning that I can't commit to a job, or a class or hobby, he's the COMPLETE opposite of me so I find it impossible to relate to him, he has a loving supportive family whereas I don't, I've got a good education and revised hard for my exams while he saw them as a joke and has barely any qualifications, he used to take coke and have a "party lifestyle" whereas I've been a mum since 18, we will never be able to buy a house together and there is no financial security with him - the list goes on.

I don't want to kiss him or have sex with him. I think if I hadn't got pregnant within 2 months of meeting him we wouldn't be together 4 years on.

Most of all I resent myself for being with someone like this. He's essentially a good person, so I'm scared of leaving him and ending up with someone worse...

I know the quick answer is just to leave him but it's not that easy is it?

You need to find some way of accepting your situation, either with DP or not. You have the advantage that you will be able to study once your DDS are older and have plenty of life experience. Accepting that many men enjoy going out drinking on a friday would be a start. They still love their families very much.

I would seriously look at fixing the problems you have with yourself first. Once you have worked on that, I think it will be a clearer decision as to what you need to do regarding dp.

Once you are happier, more content, more fulfilled etc, you will be able to look at your relationship with fresh eyes to see what problems can be overcome, what is a deal breaker, and whether you even want to bother!

Again the different interests isn't necessarily a deal breaker, the important thing is that you have interests of your own so you aren't sat waiting for DP as it were.

Some of the things you say are upsetting and worrying :( because you aren't rubbish, didn't deserve your parents hatred or past mistreatment from DP, and it's good to see your esteem is building. Keep building it! I know I've said it several times (broken record me ) but I really think long term counselling will help.

As for DP saying the pub isn't a big deal. Can you very calmly say, "well, it is to me, so since you love me and want me to be happy, can you please text next time". Can't argue with that!

I feel that if you were a parent for the first time at 17(?), then your life will have gone from partying and drinking (normal!) to growing up so so fast, that you have missed out on the somewhat carefree twenties where you start to figure out who you are as an adult, without the pressures of a family life. Not that family life isn't great, but it can swallow you up sometimes and build resentment. I would spend some time figuring out what sort of adult (not defined as mum) you are, and who you want to be, and finally, how to get there.

Mid twenties is so young - a few years spent on this stuff and you can have a wonderful life for the rest of it - with or without DP.

It's very hard workwith a lot of little kids, and i think its easy to start fantasising about how a change would make everything better. Your guy does stuff round the house, with the kids. Once your on your own, you have to do all of that. You can't go anywhere without making arrangements for the kids, every decision about them you have to make on your own. I'm not saying don't do it if you're really unhappy, but don't underestimate how much work it can be. Its likely to be harder to meet someone else with three kids than one baby too. Not impossible, but harder. I'd really try to fix it up first, and i do think some stuff needs fixed e.g. Pub with no notice.

Crazy, TBH I think you are very unhappy with how your life has gone and the decisions you have made, and you are blaming your DP for them, instead of yourself.

Why have you lost the confidence to study? Be honest. If its down to your DP undermining you, that is one thing. If its nothing to do with him, but say, something to do with your unsupportive family, then leaving him is no solution.

You need to firstly be honest with yourself. Once you've done that, you need to talk to him about a way foward together, or a way forward apart.

Crazy how young is your youngest DC? I was a teen parent and went to uni as soon as my DS started school but I was in a kind of limbo during those pre school years.
Do you think it would help if you work out where you would like to be in 5 or 10 years time and see if you can get a plan to get there.

Frames - it was more that he didnt tell me that he was going, just like last week, when he apologised and said he wouldn't do that again

Slithy - you made a good point about me "losing out" on my twenties. My confidence is growing and I'm starting to like myself but I'm now in a questionable relationship with three kids! I don't feel young so I suppose I do panic that my life is already over.

Bum - I've tried to think of those realities too; I feel like I'm having a rough time with childcare now but I really would be if he left.

Sanity - if I'm honest, I can't blame DP for my lack of confidence. He encourages me and compliments me a lot. I undermine myself, which is noticed by people. I have ALWAYS been told I'm not good enough, I'm disgusting, no one will want me, I've got problems etc etc. I know logically my parents were projecting/talking shite, but the damage has been done.

Chicken - the youngest is 19 months. I often think about my 5 year plan, but then end up upset because nothing is feasible! I don't want to work in a shop (for example) the rest of my life, but that's probably the way I'm now heading...

Tonight has been horrible. He's noticed I'm "in a mood" and refused to cuddle me when I was upset (not like him at all). I just cannot deal with rejection so I've been in bed crying for the past 45 minutes. Fucks sake.

I think you should go back to your doctor.
You can do more with your life than work in a shop and you know that and that is why you are frustrated with your life. Things will become clearer career wise when your DC are a bit older.

True. All the girls from my group of friends in 6th form are now barristers, solicitors, doctors, vets and managers. I'm upstairs bored out of my mind but I can't go downstairs because he's there and I can't cope with the tension.

In 10/15 years time it could be the other way round. Your DC will be at secondary school and your friends will be having their babies.

It would be nice!

Have asked for this thread to be deleted as "D"P searched for me and has read it. Thanks for everyones help.

Oh dear, that is a whole new set of problems. Massive invasion of privacy.

Is there anywhere you can go for a couple of days to recharge and have some you time? A sibling or a friends?

I feel like you need to take a huge calming breath, and clear your mind, and just begin again.

How has DP reacted to the contents of your thread? Could it be a good jumping off point to discuss your feelings?

Maybe it will be a blessing in disguise and the push you both need either way.

Hope you ok Op

Listen MyCrazyLife: reading between the lines, there's clearly past history with your guy that you're not telling us that is impacting on the relationship. I suspect that has a great influence on how you feel about him now.

Change your username and come back and talk whenever you want.
Don't let him put you off posting here, getting the support you need to make the changes in your life that you need to make.

Good luck. x