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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

mum took DCs to see my abusive dad (sensitive)

94 replies

wilddogbert · 03/07/2014 20:54

Sorry there may be a lot of background my DH had to go to work and now I am sitting here thinking about it all.

So my dad was physically and emotionally abusive throughout my childhood (I also have a brother) my mum just ignored it and let him carry on. I left as soon as I could and met my DH. They moved to another country shortly after this.
I eventually told my DH about the abuse and we agreed never to have contact.

Then a year ago mum got back in touch and moved back to the area. She said she had left my dad, she got herself a flat and her first job. We gradually began talking again she said she was sorry for everything. She became a part of our lives again.

My mum has been having the DCs by herself for a few hours a month and the DCs love seeing her. She called a few days ago and asked if she could pick them up from school and take them out for tea to give me and DH a bit of time together. I said great and we arranged it all for today.

Then this afternoon we get a call from my DD (11) saying that my mum had taken them to a cafe and said that they were going to meet my dad but they must not tell me because I had issues with him. DD knows that we don't see my dad because he was nasty so she called me because she was scared to meet him and she knew that it was wrong to do it in secret.

Me and DH rushed there and we could see them all sitting round a table. We ran in and DH grabbed the DCs and took them outside. I asked what the hell was going on. My mum said that it was time I stopped being stupid. My dad deserved to meet his grand children and I needed to get over all the silly stories because it wasn't my dad's fault that I was a naughty child. I asked if this whole year had just been one big lie to gain my trust so that I would leave her alone with them. She said yes of course they hadn't split up and she was surprised that I had believed it.
I told them to stay away and they were disgusting.

We took the DCs home. Apparently my mum told them that she was giving them a special surprise. She took them to the cafe and told them that their granddad was coming and that I make up lies about granddad because I don't want to tell them that I was a bad child. DD said she didn't want to meet him without me and DH there but my mum told her not to be a big baby so she called me and DH from the toilets.

I am so angry and sad that my mum did this. That my DCs were put at risk and I let it happen and worried that they will try to come here. I can't get my dad's smug smile out of my head when he saw me burst into the cafe.

I guess I am just venting here really because there aren't many people I can tell in real life.

OP posts:
adaorarda · 03/07/2014 21:00

oh my god. poor you, poor dcs, and what an utter bitch your mother is. i am nearly speechless.

you must be devastated. i'm so sorry.

FolkGirl · 03/07/2014 21:02

I'm NC with my mother. My upbringing was both EA and PA.

I'm so angry on your behalf. You mother had no right to abuse your trust and lie to you like this. What a vile excuse for a mother and a grandmother she is.

Angry and Sad for you.

captainmummy · 03/07/2014 21:07

That is awful, OP! Only thing I can suggest is to throw your parents to the lions - and let them see your dc over your dead body. Doesn't matter how much they 'love seeing her', she is vile, toxic and has shown how little she thinks of you, and them.

PedantMarina · 03/07/2014 21:07

Complete asshole. (your mum)

and I just want to punch your stupid father on his stupid face.

so sorry for you.

Original poster
wilddogbert · 03/07/2014 21:08

I am so angry that my DCs were put in that position. They are just kids and don't deserve it.

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 03/07/2014 21:10

Your mother sounds like an accomplice to me, someone who enables abuse by facilitating it.

You now know where you stand with both of them & NC is the only course of action. You must be traumatised but at least your DD had the sense to call you.

missmash · 03/07/2014 21:11

I can't believe the level of cruel planning that took, after everything you have suffered in your past to then have it relived on you in a cafe is hideous.

You obviously have a very well balanced and smart DD to have the confidence to call you, if must have been hard as she was going against her grandmas plans.
Hopefully you are now all safe in your family home, there really is nothing more that you could say to your mother, so why bother, delete her number and work on repairing the damage she has done again.

bonzo77 · 03/07/2014 21:11

Really nothing to add, but a well done to your daughter for knowing something was not right and getting you to sort it out. You must have a great relationship with her.

I'd not speak to your parents again.

LalyRawr · 03/07/2014 21:12

I have to say, your DD was incredibly sensible to call you. You've clearly taught her well.

As for your parents, I literally have no words. For your mother to gp to such lengths for so long is beyond comprehension.

I hope you're all okay, and thanks to your DD's smarts, at least it was nipped in the bud early and you didn't have your parents dripping poison in her ear.

INeedABiggerBoat · 03/07/2014 21:14

OP that is just appalling. I have to say, though; credit must go to your and your DH's parenting skills that your DD knew to call you. It must have taken a great deal of courage for her to go against her grandmother, so massive kudos to all three of you- you'll be just fine without that toxic couple.

PedantMarina · 03/07/2014 21:16

Absolutely! Give your DD (11) a big un-Mumsnetty hug from me. What a great gal. When all the emotional dust has settled, you're going to fully appreciate, on all kinds of kick-ass levels, what a credit to you she is.

Smelsa · 03/07/2014 21:17

Ho. Ly. Shit.

The amount of planning and lying and manipulation. Fuck me, it's awful.

I've nothing useful to say sorry but your DD did really well calling you like that. I can't believe your mum was trying to make your children believe you were a liar :(

Meerka · 03/07/2014 21:17

what a stupid person your mother is. She spent a year setting this up and now she's lost all chance of ever seeing her grandchildren again.

Universal · 03/07/2014 21:18

Ignore the fact she is your mum. A person you trusted manipulated you and took your children to a place of danger.
Stay calm, stay strong. Don't let then manipulate you any more.

Pico2 · 03/07/2014 21:19

That's horrible for all of you. How does your brother fit into all of this?

Original poster
wilddogbert · 03/07/2014 21:19

We have told DD how good it was that she called us. She said she knew that it was wrong and she didn't want to meet her granddad because she knew that he wasn't a good man and she was worried that he would be angry with them.

OP posts:
angelohsodelight · 03/07/2014 21:20

Your dd is a star for calling you. Your dm is awful in do many levels, not least for wanting your dd to keep such a secret and put her in a horrible position. Pls keep your dd away from your DP from now on. Hope you are ok, this must have been such a shock and violation of trust.

mulberrybag · 03/07/2014 21:21

I feel so angry for you. what a total and utter batshit crazy evil cow. your daughter sounds a credit to you and you surely have broken the mold that your disgusting parents came from

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/07/2014 21:21

Agree with others on here.

As a quick thought you posted that your mother picked up your DC from school, you need to contact the school and tell them that they shouldn't let your mother pick your DC up.

Original poster
wilddogbert · 03/07/2014 21:22

Yes my DD is much more confident than I ever was at her age. She is definitely a credit to us.

OP posts:
CornChips · 03/07/2014 21:24

I am speechless. Thanks

Preciousbane · 03/07/2014 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Matildathecat · 03/07/2014 21:28

I'm actually wondering if she has committed an offence. Maybe not but might be worth logging the incident with the Police. After all, your father has committed many crimes against you so is certainly not a safe person.

Anyway, I'm livid for you. She is the one who will suffer now, though since she will never see her grandchildren again.

WiggleGinger · 03/07/2014 21:28

Woah! What a massive bitch your mother !!!!! How your husband didn't punch your dad sick in the face I don't know & you did well not to slap your mum!
Huge huge admiration for your brave dd she's amazingly mature well done her and well done you and DH for bringing up such a fab daughter!!!!
I'm so cross at the situation on your behalf! What snide manipulative arseholes!!! she's no mother she's equally as much an abuser as your father.
Sending love and calm thoughts.

at the risk of being told I'm scaremongering I'd just make it clear at school that no one else is to collect / have contact with you DC ..... I know this normally is the case that they aren't allowed to go off with other adults but I just don't trust your parents (this isn't intended to scare its more a precaution as we get info like this at work often) xx

MexicanSpringtime · 03/07/2014 21:28

Your DD was so right. No adult should ever tell a child to keep a secret from their parents (unless it is a birthday present).

What a mother!