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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

mum took DCs to see my abusive dad (sensitive)

94 replies

wilddogbert · 03/07/2014 20:54

Sorry there may be a lot of background my DH had to go to work and now I am sitting here thinking about it all.

So my dad was physically and emotionally abusive throughout my childhood (I also have a brother) my mum just ignored it and let him carry on. I left as soon as I could and met my DH. They moved to another country shortly after this.
I eventually told my DH about the abuse and we agreed never to have contact.

Then a year ago mum got back in touch and moved back to the area. She said she had left my dad, she got herself a flat and her first job. We gradually began talking again she said she was sorry for everything. She became a part of our lives again.

My mum has been having the DCs by herself for a few hours a month and the DCs love seeing her. She called a few days ago and asked if she could pick them up from school and take them out for tea to give me and DH a bit of time together. I said great and we arranged it all for today.

Then this afternoon we get a call from my DD (11) saying that my mum had taken them to a cafe and said that they were going to meet my dad but they must not tell me because I had issues with him. DD knows that we don't see my dad because he was nasty so she called me because she was scared to meet him and she knew that it was wrong to do it in secret.

Me and DH rushed there and we could see them all sitting round a table. We ran in and DH grabbed the DCs and took them outside. I asked what the hell was going on. My mum said that it was time I stopped being stupid. My dad deserved to meet his grand children and I needed to get over all the silly stories because it wasn't my dad's fault that I was a naughty child. I asked if this whole year had just been one big lie to gain my trust so that I would leave her alone with them. She said yes of course they hadn't split up and she was surprised that I had believed it.
I told them to stay away and they were disgusting.

We took the DCs home. Apparently my mum told them that she was giving them a special surprise. She took them to the cafe and told them that their granddad was coming and that I make up lies about granddad because I don't want to tell them that I was a bad child. DD said she didn't want to meet him without me and DH there but my mum told her not to be a big baby so she called me and DH from the toilets.

I am so angry and sad that my mum did this. That my DCs were put at risk and I let it happen and worried that they will try to come here. I can't get my dad's smug smile out of my head when he saw me burst into the cafe.

I guess I am just venting here really because there aren't many people I can tell in real life.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 03/07/2014 21:29

You father's smug smile says it all. This was not about wanting to see his grandchildren. It was about getting to you. The prick.

Meerka · 03/07/2014 21:29

Agreed, inform school and anyone else appropriate that your mother is not to have care of them even for a few hours.

Also, if you haven't already done it, sit down and explain to your children calmly and without heat why they can't see their grandparents again; that it's wrong to lie, to deceive someone like this and to not respect your wishes in this matter. It can be done calmly, the point is to emphasise that the deceit here was wrong and dangerous and a bad way to behave.

Your daughter is a star!

Original poster
wilddogbert · 03/07/2014 21:30

Thank you for the advice I will tell the school tomorrow that they must not be allowed to leave with my parents any of my parents.

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 03/07/2014 21:31

That is horrific. How well you have bought up your DD.

Now to the longer term issues. I think you should report this - is it a police matter? Should you tell school that your parents are never to be allowed access? I don't know. My gut feeling is that something needs to be done. But you will be the best judge of what is right for your family.

Stay strong.

Original poster
wilddogbert · 03/07/2014 21:47

I am going to be NC with my mum from now on. I gave her chance and trusted her and she broke that and put my DCs at risk and I can't forgive her for that.

OP posts:
Appletini · 03/07/2014 23:49

This is fucking awful of your mum, I'm so so sorry. I am NC with my -car crash of a- family and it's brought me so much peace.

You are obviously an awesome parent. I'm serious. The fact your DD knew to call you, the fact she knew not to keep it secret and the fact she trusted you to protect her - you have given her what you never had: the belief that she will be protected by her mother. Please give yourself credit for this. It's fantastic.

Perhaps also consider making a report to the police. You can report historic abuse. I'm so sorry you have been through so much hurt.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 04/07/2014 00:32

i am so sorry. you are right to NC the pair of them.
your dd is a very sensible girl.

justiceofthePeas · 04/07/2014 00:42

Well done OP for having such a well taught DD.
And also well done for being the bigger person and giving your mum a chance. It speaks of great generisity and compassion on your part.

Which makes your mother's idiotic behaviour even more of a loss to her. She has chosen a smug unrepentant abuser over her own daughter and dgc. She will live to regret it but you should not.

Be kind to yourself. This must have been tough for you and a horrible shock.

hotdrinkandaliedown · 04/07/2014 00:51

Jesus. That is chilling. I'm so sorry for you, OP, and sorry for your kids who were put in that situation. Your daughter sounds like a smart kid though, and a credit to you.

Hope you're all ok.

Darkesteyes · 04/07/2014 00:59

I read your OP with my mouth agape HOW COULD SHE (your mum)

Agree with pps this was about yr dad getting at you.

Your DD sounds lovely. Hope you are all ok.

Your mother is a deceitful enabler.

Saucepanman · 04/07/2014 01:10

Your mother is as abusive as your dad. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Be strong and assured that NC is the right thing to do (and well done lovely dd). Am just appalled at them and for you.

Zazzles007 · 04/07/2014 01:17

Another mouth agape OP. What a lying, deceitful POS your 'parents' are. To go to that level of deception is beyond the pale. I am sorry that who they are (manipulative and crap people), has had to be reiterated to you in such an awful manner. You trusted your mother, and she stabbed you in the back and betrayed you in return. And the smug face on your father says it all really.

I think it may not the be last time they try something one, and you might have to be on guard in the future as well. I would also be logging this with the police, just in case.

Justfuckitupagain · 04/07/2014 04:09

Oh my fucking god Shock

Definitely agree with zazzles above - log with the police. Just in case. Doesn't mean that you'll need it or that you'll have a problem in the future, but cover your back.

Meerka · 04/07/2014 09:08

Agreed.

also agreed that your mother is, at the very very least, complicit in the abuse you received. On the basis of this incident, if your children were at risk from him, it's clear she would be actively supporting him in abuse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2014 09:15

You taught your DD well; she was both very brave and wise to call you at such a time.

NC with your mother as of now; she has also shown no remorse or responsibility whatsoever for her actions but again instead blamed you for being that so called "bad child". This was as much her doing as your father's.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2014 09:19

I would also be talking to the police about their behaviour as well.

TinyTear · 04/07/2014 09:34

I don't normally comment on these threads but well done to your daughter. she is a credit to you and so mature.

as to your mother, she blew it... enjoy your family now, and leave the past behind... they don't deserve you

PhallChops · 04/07/2014 11:41

How absolutely disgusting! I am constantly amazed at how many of this "older" generation seem to have acquired "God-Like" abilities... Some of them are very dangerous indeed!

Iswallowedawatermelon · 04/07/2014 11:50

This is a shocking, premeditated betrayal :(

No advice but I am so so sorry for you and so glad your daughter was clever and brave enough to contact you. You should be so proud of her and of how you are raising your family Flowers

Original poster
wilddogbert · 04/07/2014 18:21

Well when we all got back from picking the DCs up from school "someone" had chucked a load of rubbish in our yard and posted it through our letter box. Luckily one of the neighbours saw and got the registration number of the car. Which was my mums.
So we have logged everything with the police. I ended up telling them about the abuse as well which was hard and all this has brought it all back up.
But I am hoping that it will help protect my DCs from my parents which is the main thing.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 18:28

I would call the police I'm sure it's illegal to dump rubbish!

Don't get me wrong normally I wouldn't but in this situation I would do it just to get back at them.

The level of deceit here is shocking. I feel so sorry for you. This is quite unbelievable.

WeAllHaveWings · 04/07/2014 18:32

What an incredible relationship you must have with your dd for her to feel so confident that phoning you was the right thing to do, especially when being manipulated by her grandmother.

Hope the rubbish posting will be the end of it for you.

NamasteGirl · 04/07/2014 18:32

I havent anything helpful to add, but I wanted to send you a hug and my best wishes.

yongnian · 04/07/2014 18:38

Truly awful. Totally feel for you and echo what others have said about your DD - brave and mature and remember, yours and your DH parenting of her have enabled her to do the right thing.
Hugs xxx

Wheelerdeeler · 04/07/2014 18:41

I'm astounded at this. May they both die roaring.