mum took DCs to see my abusive dad (sensitive)

[wilddogbert]

Sorry there may be a lot of background my DH had to go to work and now I am sitting here thinking about it all.

So my dad was physically and emotionally abusive throughout my childhood (I also have a brother) my mum just ignored it and let him carry on. I left as soon as I could and met my DH. They moved to another country shortly after this.
I eventually told my DH about the abuse and we agreed never to have contact.

Then a year ago mum got back in touch and moved back to the area. She said she had left my dad, she got herself a flat and her first job. We gradually began talking again she said she was sorry for everything. She became a part of our lives again.

My mum has been having the DCs by herself for a few hours a month and the DCs love seeing her. She called a few days ago and asked if she could pick them up from school and take them out for tea to give me and DH a bit of time together. I said great and we arranged it all for today.

Then this afternoon we get a call from my DD (11) saying that my mum had taken them to a cafe and said that they were going to meet my dad but they must not tell me because I had issues with him. DD knows that we don't see my dad because he was nasty so she called me because she was scared to meet him and she knew that it was wrong to do it in secret.

Me and DH rushed there and we could see them all sitting round a table. We ran in and DH grabbed the DCs and took them outside. I asked what the hell was going on. My mum said that it was time I stopped being stupid. My dad deserved to meet his grand children and I needed to get over all the silly stories because it wasn't my dad's fault that I was a naughty child. I asked if this whole year had just been one big lie to gain my trust so that I would leave her alone with them. She said yes of course they hadn't split up and she was surprised that I had believed it.
I told them to stay away and they were disgusting.

We took the DCs home. Apparently my mum told them that she was giving them a special surprise. She took them to the cafe and told them that their granddad was coming and that I make up lies about granddad because I don't want to tell them that I was a bad child. DD said she didn't want to meet him without me and DH there but my mum told her not to be a big baby so she called me and DH from the toilets.

I am so angry and sad that my mum did this. That my DCs were put at risk and I let it happen and worried that they will try to come here. I can't get my dad's smug smile out of my head when he saw me burst into the cafe.

I guess I am just venting here really because there aren't many people I can tell in real life.

We called the police as soon as we saw the rubbish and we told them everything sorry if I didn't make that clear.

I'm just stunned for you. it's scarcely believable how vile some people are. and to their own flesh and blood. just so so sorry this is happening. awful.

you're very brave to tell the police about the context for all this. it's horrible to have to bring it all back up, but it's the right thing to do for DC and yourself.

i want to say very nasty things about your mother but since i've already called her a bitch once, i will refrain!

Your mother sounds deranged. I'm so sorry but what a fab Dd you have!

I can only echo what's been said here.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. :(

The calculated nature of it all is just sickening. The lies, everything designed to one day weasel your trust out of you and then to abuse it so badly to hurt you again, by using your kids!

Please look at a non molestation order for the pair of them, make sure they can't even set foot in so much as the same postcode as you happen to be in.

Wow. What a complete bitch.

He's a monster for the abuse, but she's actively and deliberately fabricating a whole scenario to trick you into hand up your dc to a man like him.

They do actually want locking up. The pair of them.

I was aghast reading this thread from the outset, but your update with the rubbish in your garden is just . Your mum has totally lost the plot. Does she even know that you've decided to go NC yet? Well done for reporting their harassment of you to the police. And your daughter rocks!!

OP you're doing fab.

Any news?

I haven't told my mum I am no contact. I will just never contact her again.
The police are looking into it but no news yet. Luckily my BIL and his kids (they live with us) have gone camping for the weekend and we have dropped my DCs off at the PILs for the night so if my parents come back the DCs won't have to see it.
DH is here with me we cleaned up the yard and the house so at least that is sorted.

sorry this has raked up bad memories for you along with fresh hurt.

What a cowbag. How pathetic and spiteful.

Yy to non mol order.

Your DD is a real credit to you. What an incredible child to be brave enough to call you and thank goodness she had a phone.

Your parents are vile and your DH is brilliant.

Well done for telling the police everything. Irrelevant she is your mother. She has abused your trust and lost her family now. What a stupid stupid woman.

Over my dead body would my mother see my children and for everyone's sake both "mothers" in my marriage better die first. Kids come before anyone and you have so done the right thing.

Take care.

Don't forget to tell the school but do it in writing as well as a phone call.

Does your mother know your PIL address?

My mum has never been to my PILs so I doubt it. Luckily they moved house recently so I don't think she will know.

You said your dd phoned you on her mobile, does your mum have that number?
Might be worth changing her sim card, and her email, if she has one.

You're doing brilliantly op

What a horrible woman your mother is.

I hope your brother has had as much sense as you too.

What a vile man your mothers sperm donor is...

My mum doesn't have a mobile so she doesn't have DDs number, and DD doesn't have an email so that is all fine.
She does have the house number and my e-mail but she hasn't tried to contact us through them as of yet.

I'm so glad by the time I'd gotten to the end of the thread that the police have been involved, but so, so sorry that your (real) family is having to go through this and that you yourself are being exposed to this again. I could go on about how well it seems you, your dd and your dh handled this, but other posters have already done this far more eloquently than I could.

I want to weigh in specifically on dealing with the police. Again, wonderful that you've told them everything. But in dealing with authorities I've sometimes found phrasing is the key thing. [e.g. I had a longstanding case of landlord harassment that went through several complaints before I read the relevant statutes and found the key phrase was "I'm being put in fear of my safety"; when that entered my reports, I was able to get more action taken.]

The fact that your 'd'm has vandalized your property (inside and out) gives a pretty clear offense for the police to act on. The fact that you've reported historic abuse (which is, of course, a high profile issue at the moment more generally) should give valuable context for what I think should be the primary complaint you make with the police re: your parents.
They both (but particularly your 'd'm) engaged in a conspiracy-including misleading you about their living situation- with the apparent sole intention of exposing your dc to an abuser against your express wishes and without your knowledge. It was complex and protracted and therefore clearly premeditated.

Follow up with the police, emphasising the concerns you have about what forms attempts at contacting your dc might take in future. The recommendations about non-molestation orders are great ideas, but I'd use them in conjunction with ongoing police involvement.

I'm reading this over again before posting and wondering if it comes across too strong. I don't mean to frighten you. On the contrary, I think it's your dps who are due a fright. I'm just advocating a route slightly more proactive and official than just NC, I suppose.

(And again--- I've been typing all this while performing the seemingly impossible task of applauding you vigorously for how you've handled this.)

Make sure you log everything with the police from here on in.

I'm so sorry you've had to relive this. But you must be so proud of your dd. What an incredible daughter you have :)

My brother has also been in contact with my mum and forgiven her this year. I called him as soon as it happened so he has taken his family to his ILs to protect his DCs and his wife in case my mum attempts to take my dad to theirs.

OP your daughter is ace. What a great kid.

You have taught her well.

No advice, just didn't want to read and run. What a horrible situation, well done to your daughter for acting with such maturity.

Aaah wilddog are you the one pregnant with twins?

If no sorry!
If yes, fucking appalling that you have to deal with this considering everything else you have going on. You have done brilliantly and can be very proud of DD.

I really hope they stop bothering you

I'm really pleased to hear that your brother feels like you - it must be really hard to go NC (but completely the right decision) and at least you have some family that you can still see.

My mum said that it was time I stopped being stupid. My dad deserved to meet his grand children and I needed to get over all the silly stories because it wasn't my dad's fault that I was a naughty child.

This after an outrageous and unforgivable betrayal of trust! Un-fucking-believable!

You behaved with admirable restraint in the circumstances, OP, really.

I hope you get all the help you need to make sure these terrible people never trouble you again.

And, like has been said over and over on this thread, what a brave and sensible DD you have raised. I aspire to have the kind of relationship with my DD that you clearly have with yours, filled with love and trust.

Yes I am pregnant with twins. I am trying not to get too stressed about everything but it's bloody hard.

I am absolutely fuming on your behalf, what miserable excuses for parents - and for that matter human beings! - yours are

Your DD sounds like an amazing young lady with fab parents. She obviously knows right from wrong and trusts you to not only know what is best for her but to protect her, she's a credit to you both.

I am so glad you involved the police and hope your parents leave you, your family and your brother and his family alone.

From bitter experience, I would suggest letting your ILs know you have gone no contact so they don't innocently pass on addresses or phone numbers.

I'm sorry your parents are such shits. You, however, are incredible. I'm so glad that you've built a good life and a good family for yourself in spite of such a horrible start in life. Wishing you much peace and strength.