Bear with me as this may be long.
Back story to this is that for years I have been worried about H's drinking. He drinks almost every night, usually about 3-4 cans of beer, more at weekends, and weirdly more on Sundays than any other night of the week. He rarely gets inebriated and almost never stays out very late but the dependency worries me, as does the fact that drinking makes him short-tempered and occasionally verbally abusive, and increasingly I'm worried about our 3-year old DD noticing that he drinks every night. I also resent the fact that so many weekends he chooses to go to the pub instead of doing things with DD and I. I have begged him to have a few dry nights in the week. Generally his response has been to tell me I'm paranoid and he refuses to be controlled.
Over the past few months we've been fighting a lot and his drinking has escalated. It got to a point about a fortnight ago after three or four weekends where I felt my weekends had been ruined by his drinking, that I gave him an ultimatum, told him he had to either radically cut down his drinking (basically stopping during the week) or move out. After a lot of sulking and fighting, a week ago he agreed to stop.
He went four nights without a drink but was visibly stressed and finding it difficult. I suggested to him that he should think about getting support and he said he didn't need it. The second of those nights he disappeared off into the night saying he needed to walk and think. I assumed he would go to the pub but he didn't, he came back sober, but very agitated.
By the end of the week he had had a couple of cans and I decided not to fight him on this so let it go. He drank at the weekend but fairly moderately.
Monday he didn't drink again. Then Tuesday (I was at home sick, feeling very sorry for myself with DD) he came back late, smelling of booze. Not hugely, but it was clear he had been drinking. I decided not to make an issue of it although I was obviously displeased. I assumed he had just decided to have a couple and would leave it at that. He went off to the kitchen to cook and I heard him opening a can of beer. I followed him down there and just said "I thought we had an agreement."
He proceeded to let fly at me, aggressively, that he wasn't going to be told what to do in his home (its not his home, its mine) and would be drinking every night from now on. I walked quietly out of the room, not saying anything but making it clear I wasn't happy.
I then heard him telling DD he was going to have to leave the house and that mummy didn't want him here.
Now a) before someone comes on and tells me the three rules of Al-Anon, (I didn't cause it, can't control it etc) I know all this back to front and I know I need not to let it bother me. But the mechanics of not letting it bother me are a different matter.
I need to know, first of all, if I am being unreasonable in expecting to stick to what has been agreed without at least mentioning to me first that he wanted to have a brief drink after work etc? There's a bit of me thinking "its summer, he works hard, why not unwind after work?" the problem is he rarely just has one or two. If he goes out after work he will have two or three after work and then another two or three at home.
And the main thing is, I am furious about him taking it upon himself to talk to DD about something so sensitive without talking to me first and agreeing what is going to happen.
So am I a controlling b or is he abusive? Or are we both as bad as each other?