Should I apologise to DH- he wants a big apology

[Twotofive]

I've just had an argument with my DH (one of many recently). According to him I'm always at fault, but this argument has really touched a nerve for me so I just wanted to check on here before I have to give him a big apology.

I was just driving him to work and he was telling me how he was talking about our children in a presentation he did the other day. It was a talk about technology and he was telling the audience how our children are so used to iPads that they think books & magazines are broken and they keep swiping at them. I then said 'great, now everyone thinks our children sit on iPads all day'. He then got in such a strop with me going in about how negative I am etc. he then made me stop the car, slammed the door & walked the rest of the way.

I am offended as our children don't swipe at books and magazines! 2 of them are 15 months and never use the ipad and our 3 year old isn't stupid. I read them plenty of books.

Hes just sent me a text message about how awful I am to him. But this has really upset me & I don't want to give him an apology but he will be expecting one.

I think as someone else said up thread you have 15 month twins and a 3 year old so your hands are well and truly full and his are too. Sometimes it doesn't actually mean anything. You are both a bit ott, it's called looking for a fight. Two theories, it becomes a replacement for the intimacy of sex or you can't really burst into tears and tantrum at how fucking hard things are because you are adults etc so you tantrum over ridiculous things.

He needs to stop working a couple of evenings and you probably need to spend a bit more time with each other.

Its easy to drift into this space and sometimes a stupid incident like this is enough to shake it up.

You probably have a good few resentments festering away too which need to be addressed.

A really good bit of advice I was given was to do something lovely for him after a stupid argument like this. Theory being it's almost impossible not to mirror love and he'll be wrong footed. Works great. Then we sit down and talk sensibly and work it out.

Good idea. Also buy a fun box set and suggest you have a night per week where you cuddle up and watch it with a bottle of wine/chocs/take away.

I have just read your April thread OP. It's not for me to quote from it but when you asked here "Do I need to lead a more separate life?" I think he has already assigned you a very fixed role and is quite a controlling personality.

I recommend attending a marriage course. DH and I went on one a few years ago and it really helped us improve communication. There's a section on conflict resolution too.

I hope OP's okay.

is where your DH got the joke from, it's not new.

Well surely the fact the children had a book or magazine in their hand to 'swipe' shows they are exposed to them.

I think you have both been a bit daft and perhaps the presentation didn't go as well as he hoped, maybe he was feeling uneasy about it and your reaction re-enforced how he was feeling, just as his comments have made you feel uneasy about how others may now perceive you as a mum.

I think if people are going through an unsettled patch its very easy for perceived slights to be made much bigger than they actually are.

Maybe you could use this fallout as a means to have a general chat about how things are.

Good luck :)

Of course you can ask him to cut back on work. You are a SAHM to three small dc. Your life has changed immeasurably. I really, really do not believe that he absolutely cannot change his working pattern in some small ways to be there more for you and with you.

Whether he chooses to cut back his work is up to him. But I think if you can't ask him, and discuss it, there is a massive issue there.

you sound like the two of you have a very dysfunctional relationship and you just haven't learned how to handle disagreement. you both seem pretty immature too. If you can go to couples counselling of some kind, with both of you willing to learn how to change your attitude and behaviour to something more functional, then there is hope for your marriage. if either of you go along just wanting to defend your attitude and behaviour and prove yourself right then there's not much hope in the long run.

in the situation you describe, you should both have apologised to each other and neither made such a big deal out of this.

I read it as a joke, think you need to lighten up but it sounds like you have underlying problems with your relationship. Perhaps you need to sit down with your DH and have a good talk.

Unless a person is:

1. A doctor/nurse on call
2. A senior member of the civil service
3. The Prime Minister/Ministers
4. The CEO of a major international company
5. Works in the press with weekend publishing dates
6. A barrister. Maybe.

There is no need to check e-mails, etc, over the weekend. If something goes tits up, someone will call you. The reasons why people do check and respond to e-mails normally fall into these reasons:

a) They have nothing better to do
b) They are brown nosing by showing how "on the ball" they are
c) It's like a pissing contest amongst employees as to "who can send the latest/earliest e-mail" or "who is the most contactable ergo dedicated"

And you know what? That's fine! Hell I've been there myself.

The problem is that it isn't fine when you have family commitments, you work long hours during the week as it is, and you are choosing to stay in your little work bubble where you feel important, rather than helping out with your children.

You can definitely ask him to cut back on hours. What he is doing is very selfish.