Should I apologise to DH- he wants a big apology

[Twotofive]

I've just had an argument with my DH (one of many recently). According to him I'm always at fault, but this argument has really touched a nerve for me so I just wanted to check on here before I have to give him a big apology.

I was just driving him to work and he was telling me how he was talking about our children in a presentation he did the other day. It was a talk about technology and he was telling the audience how our children are so used to iPads that they think books & magazines are broken and they keep swiping at them. I then said 'great, now everyone thinks our children sit on iPads all day'. He then got in such a strop with me going in about how negative I am etc. he then made me stop the car, slammed the door & walked the rest of the way.

I am offended as our children don't swipe at books and magazines! 2 of them are 15 months and never use the ipad and our 3 year old isn't stupid. I read them plenty of books.

Hes just sent me a text message about how awful I am to him. But this has really upset me & I don't want to give him an apology but he will be expecting one.

Vladimar, exactly!

I think you are both at fault- you for being oversensitive about a throwaway comment that obviously wasn't meant to be taken seriously in a speech, and him for overreacting.

Everyone is irritated by one another in a relationship at times and sometimes out of order. I've gone off on one about stupid things when I've been busy, tired and stressed. The difference is recognising when you were out of order and both acting reasonably.

It wouldn't be reasonable for him now to sulk until you apologise. When DH and I have had stupid arguments in the morning he has texted later to say "Sorry I was grumpy this morning!" and and have sent back something similar.

It may be worth having a chat though and a think about whether you are very critical and negative about him, and also vice versa. It is very easy to get into a spiral of being very critical of those closest to you- I catch myself wanting to say things sometimes and then rephrase it before it comes out so it doesn't sound so negative.

Agree with Vladimar and Cogito that his general behaviour is not acceptable.

With regards to the iPads joke, you did have a sense of humour failure (yes it was a silly joke) but that does not justify the reaction. Not at all.

I'm not thinking affair as much as I'm thinking bullying controlling arse, sorry...

I know we'll always come 2nd to his work

I know the whole bit about us being responsible for our own happiness etc etc but it jars when there's an obvious imbalance.

We are in a bad patch at them moment, but how do we fix it?

Before we had children I would have said we were the perfect match and could never even imagine divorce... Now I'm not so sure. How can we stop ourselves heading that way? I can't ask him to cut down his work. Do I need to lead a more separate life? He's so busy I don't get support from him anyway.

Would relationship counciling help?

I am sure he isn't having an affair. He is very open about what he's doing on his laptop/ phone.

I too wish smartphones hadn't been invented! I think our life would be very different!

Can you have an hour after the children are in bed where you stay away from technology?

We try to have , even if just on saturday mornings, a bit where we sit and have coffee and chat with no technology, phone, tv, etc around... ok now we have a 2yo wanting her "coffee" and not letting us talk, but still it's no tech time...

Hi OP I don't think you need any more chore-like things at all (i.e. relationship counselling). I think you need a relative or gparent to come and stay and let you pop out to dinner together while the kids are asleep, or even just for a walk. It will do you the world of good. Also you need a holiday and maybe to demonstrate to him that you think he is worthwhile.

We were stuck in this run - my DP thinking I was always nagging him / being negative and me always a bit chippy that he didn't seem as obsessed with the kids as me. We seem to be moving out of it as I've done a few things to show I trust him in the home, i.e. let him make some decisions in the domestic sphere / agreed with some of his plans. It seems to have really made him happy.

rut not run, sorry.

"I'm concerned because I don't like the fact that he basically told 100 people my kids don't know what a book is!"

A bunch of strangers who don't know you and probably wouldn't care either. Why does it matter? He was illustrating a point albeit in a clumsy and not terribly original way. It is always a bit of a dampener when you are talking about your job, trying to share, and your partner niggles at you.

It seems to me that yes, you should apologise, for overreacting and being negative, but in the context of sitting down and talking calmly about the whole situation 'Listen H and I am really sorry I upset you this morning but it just felt a bit like your were belittling our kids. We need to stop sniping and start communicating a bit better' etc.

Alternatively carry on the marital war of attrition if you prefer....

I don't think it sounds like an affair. I think it sounds like two people who have lost sight of each other somewhat, in the tedious, knackering maelstrom of long hours, hard work and under-appreciation that is 21st century living for so many of us!

It is really easy to get into a frame of mind where you're ready to pick holes in each other. It becomes a bit of a habit, and the more irritated and pissed off you get, the more you find fault, and so it goes on. You both overreacted, because you're both fed up.

You need to sit down and talk. Away from the kids, phones and email off. Not about who apologises to whom, but about the bigger picture.

BTW resentment is the biggest relationship killer there is. Honestly, worse than almost anything else and the scary thing is you aren't always aware it's there until it's donw it's damage.

I'm obviously the suspicious type but I can't imagine any job that requires that level of attention to e-mails all night and every weekend. I do, however, know a lot of men who coordinate affairs through their smartphones

I disagree - I'm exactly the same with my phone and have even taken calls over sunday lunch - much to my mothers horror. I have a client who tends to work whenever the mood takes him - no doubt his wife would be (wrongly) suspicious about his calls and texts to me.

I enjoy my work and I don;t have a clear line of where it starts and ends and yes that can be a bit of a problem but as I don;t have a partner its not too big a problem.

Blackberries didn't become known as Crackberries in the business world for no reason! Its easy to kid yourself if you're not on top of your emails that the (business) world will collapse. Especially if you think your wife and children will always be there waiting and don't need the same amount of work as your real work.

Sit him down and start with an apology for dismissing his presentation (can you imagine how nervewracking making a presentation to 100 people is?!) Making a mild joke about your children is really nothing. However I do think you should say to him exactly what you have said above...

I know we'll always come 2nd to his work. It used to be fine when I worked hard too, but I am starting to wonder what'll be left when the DCs have left home? and leave him to think about that. He thinks you will always be there and that he doesn;t need to put as much effort into his relationship as his job.

Why can't you ask him to cut down on work?

Would you, as a woman, expect to be able to unilaterally decide to work late every night and on weekends and leave everything child and household related to your partner, without them agreeing to this setup?

Marriage and parenthood is a partnership. His decision to work all these hours has a huge impact on the rest of you. Why shouldn't you have a say in that?

Obviously it's one thing if someone has to work all those hours but it doesn't sound like the case here. It sounds like he's avoiding family life.

Kew is right. You need to tell him how you feel. And the earlier poster who suggested a night out, or time just the two of you are absolutely right. Relationships need warmth to grow.

And yes, checking his email while walking along probably isn't okay, but you need to find a way to work together to manage this. perhaps he's allowed to check while en route somewhere, but then put it away for the hour you're all eating lunch. Or whatever. You are both going to need to work at this if you don't want this resentment to get out of hand.

Several times I have tried to zoom in with my fingers on a magazine photo or scroll down a page in a book.

I think I need help.

Do you honestly fear those 100 people are going to meet your children and think the less of them because of a throw-away, meant-to-be funny quip he made? They will have forgotten all about it two minutes later.

rtft

I think you overreacted to a throw away comment he made, but at the same time, his reaction of extreme sulking and demanding a grovelling apology is totally shitty as well.

You don't need to apologise to him for having a different view on what he said. He doesn't need to apologise to you for saying what he did. You might need to apologise for overreacting, and he DEFINITELY needs to apologise for his melodramatic sulking.

You start off with saying you're so sorry you've both fallen out and tell him you live him and have a big bear squeeze of a hug. That begins the heart to heart in a way both if you with hopefully enjoy.

Then you can go on to talk about how things aren't what you'd expected them to be in marriage and that you know you upset him as much as he upsets you and neither if you want and deserve that. Then both come up with your 2 biggest issues and work out a way to change them.

Sounds to me like a technology ban after a certain time is a great start. My DH now has his 'do not disturb' set automatically in the evenings when only certain numbers with get through. This then is lifted again at 8am.

In the words of my old school teacher "You need your heads banging together" (not literally).
He's been a bit of a dick, you have as well. He upped the ante, and so on.
You need to remember you are supposed to be working as a team.
Someone needs to break the cycle of dickishness.
Oh and just because he looks at emails etc at night is not conclusive proof he is having an affair. Plenty of jobs almost require you to do that.

I'm also wondering why you can't ask him to cut back on work?? Surely the state of your relationship and your family's well-being is important to BOTH of you. Which means he needs to invest a bit of time and effort into it as well.

You cannot fix a relationship on your own. You BOTH need to put in the time and effort. If one of you is not willing to make the effort or the time, then it's dead in the water anyway.

It was obviously a joke, the fact you can't take it as a joke shows that you're a bit insecure about your parenting. I would have reacted like you, because I'm insecure about my parenting... Anyway the people at the presentation will have forgotten about it now.

I think you should tell him that if he treats you with such strops and cares so little about the family that he hardly spends time with his children or you, then he is likely to find himself truly alone, and doing his own housework very soon.

He throws your shoes around?

For now, it may be worth getting counselling for you two to be able to talk and voice your concerns in a less charged environment.
It should show how much he values you and his family.

Even regarding his phone, surely he can switch off for an hour. If he wants to.

Checking his email doesn't mean he's having an affair so ignore that. I check mine a lot for work and am not having an affair. That is ridiculous.