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Original poster

Should I apologise to DH- he wants a big apology

111 replies

Twotofive · 03/07/2014 10:24

I've just had an argument with my DH (one of many recently). According to him I'm always at fault, but this argument has really touched a nerve for me so I just wanted to check on here before I have to give him a big apology.

I was just driving him to work and he was telling me how he was talking about our children in a presentation he did the other day. It was a talk about technology and he was telling the audience how our children are so used to iPads that they think books & magazines are broken and they keep swiping at them. I then said 'great, now everyone thinks our children sit on iPads all day'. He then got in such a strop with me going in about how negative I am etc. he then made me stop the car, slammed the door & walked the rest of the way.

I am offended as our children don't swipe at books and magazines! 2 of them are 15 months and never use the ipad and our 3 year old isn't stupid. I read them plenty of books.

Hes just sent me a text message about how awful I am to him. But this has really upset me & I don't want to give him an apology but he will be expecting one.

OP posts:

Butterflyspring · 03/07/2014 10:50

I don't think he sounds very nice and you probably spend a lot of your time walking on eggshells to not inflame him.

SquidgyMaltLoaf · 03/07/2014 10:51

I'm not making excuses for him but it does sound like he's perhaps massively stressed out with work if he's working that much, which would explain why he got so stroppy - though I agree with others that you overreacted about his comment. My DH has done that to me before and I had I explain that it makes you feel really small and stupid and upset when your partner shoots down something you've said in that context so abruptly (he didn't realise how it would make me feel until I explained this to him).

IMO you need some time out to yourselves and some calm conversations where you both just explain how you feel, and how the other's actions make you feel, without any blame (eg 'when you did this it made me feel..' Rather than 'you always...').

WorkingBling · 03/07/2014 10:52

I can't seem to leave this thread alone.

Two - you and your DH really need to talk. Even your comment above about apologising for taking it personally and pre-empting that he won't apologise for the tantrum means that you're setting yourself up for more frustration and arguments. YOu're going to be resentful because you think his tantrum was out of line. He's going to be resentful because he will know your apology isn't really meant.

Please please talk. Both of you. Get to the bottom of what's really going on. Your resentment, his resentment. Otherwise you'll be back on here posting about another similar situation tomorrow or next week.

fourforksache · 03/07/2014 10:52

he will just say I caused it

you don't cause someone else's behaviour, they make choices to act however they act. He has free will, he could have chosen to act differently. He had a tantrum, you didn't make him have a tantrum.

APodPerson · 03/07/2014 10:53

This is a bigger thing than a comment about ipads. Your comment was probably a little OTT, but IMO his reaction was way over the top.

He wants a big apology, when he made you stop the car, and then walked off in a strop? That's not the way an adult behaves.

fourforksache · 03/07/2014 10:53

working is right.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/07/2014 10:53

I've just had an argument with my DH (one of many recently). According to him I'm always at fault.

He always goes off in a strop, and if I ever disagree with home it's me being negative. Sometimes I can't be bothered to argue with him so is just go along with it to keep the peace.

Can you do a timeline, when did things start getting fractious,
pre-DCs
after DCs
when he started working from home
when the work hours started cutting into family time?

When did one of you last say to the other, (okay sounds contrived and phoney) "Hey, thanks for that!" or "Love you lots" or equivalent?

dreamingbohemian · 03/07/2014 10:53

Also, with that context, I can understand why you would be a bit sensitive to his remark. It's not really self-deprecating on his part if you're doing the vast majority of the parenting.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 03/07/2014 10:55

Why are you going to apologise? You aired a different opinion to DH's - what makes you wrong & him right?

Unless you have actually said something hurtful, spiteful or generally nasty to him then you have nothing to apologise for, surely?

Does he maybe feel as if you are always niggling at him or being negative, and actually wants an apology for the general negativity and for things to change, rather than this one isolated discussion (which sounds incredibly minor)?

Joysmum · 03/07/2014 10:56

It was a joke!! No one in the presentation would have thought he seriously meant it. I think you need to look at why you don't see it as a joke tbh

I agree.

Given his reaction to your reaction, it makes me think you have history of continually seeing the worst in him and it's worn him down.

That's not to say you don't have issues with him. Sounds to me like you're both in danger of ending up hating each other so you've got a lot of sorting out to do to regain respect for each other so this doesn't end messily.

Original poster

Twotofive · 03/07/2014 11:01

Ok I can see it now. My comment can't have been nice for my DH. He was really pleased about his presentation and I did shoot him down. I just wish he hadn't used our children as an example.

Things have being boiling under the surface for months now. He does work really hard, but sometimes I think he works such long hours because he can, not because he needs to.

We do get time together at the weekend. However he is always on his email. He will be checking his phone whilst we're walking along etc. He's never with us 100%. He says he needs to be on top of his email.

I know we'll always come 2nd to his work. It used to be fine when I worked hard too, but I am starting to wonder what'll be left when the DCs have left home?

OP posts:

Original poster

Twotofive · 03/07/2014 11:06

When we get on it's lovely, but it does seem at the moment one wrong comment turns into a big falling out!

OP posts:

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 03/07/2014 11:07

Ive lost count onthe amount of presentations ive been at where the person makes a joke about their own children or family member. everyone always knows it's a joke and therefore not true. Relax OP- noone is walking around thinking about your children and their lack of intelligence.

fourforksache · 03/07/2014 11:07

is that on both sides?

normalishdude · 03/07/2014 11:07

you burst his bubble and he got upset. I reckon you should apologise.

fourforksache · 03/07/2014 11:08

I think this is less about the crap joke and more about the way the two of them are reacting to each other.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2014 11:09

"However he is always on his email. He will be checking his phone whilst we're walking along etc. He's never with us 100%. He says he needs to be on top of his email."

I'm obviously the suspicious type but I can't imagine any job that requires that level of attention to e-mails all night and every weekend. I do, however, know a lot of men who coordinate affairs through their smartphones

ZenGardener · 03/07/2014 11:10

You must be exhausted though. With three under three you probably are a bit sensitive because it is impossible to do everything.

I don't think you should apologise but I think you need to have a frank discussion with him. He needs to put his phone away when he's with his family. He needs to do more at home. He needs to grow up and stop with the tantruming.

I really feel for you OP :(

Butterflyspring · 03/07/2014 11:11

I wonder if he is distancing himself from you as there is someone else in the picture. If he makes this your fault then is giving himself permission to look elsewhere.

SanityClause · 03/07/2014 11:13

Let me guess.

You are a SAHM. You have given up a good job in order to provide your children with what you believe is the best possible childhood experience. They do lots of interesting things like reading, craft, playing in the park, singing, etc. You take pride in this. You feel your DH has cast aspersions on your parenting, and ridiculed you in front of 100 people.

On the other hand, he thought he had told a funny joke. He knows it's not really true. Everyone in the presentation laughed. He wanted to share his moment of triumph with you.

Neither of you are wrong. You just have to see it from each other's point of view.

(Maybe I'm wrong about how you both see it, but a bit of communication and empathy on both sides wouldn't go amiss.)

rosepetalsoup · 03/07/2014 11:13

I don't think the phone thing means affair. More likely he feels validated by work but slightly put-down at home, and so he prefers to live in the work realm all the time, if you see what I mean.

I hate smart phones! They've ruined everything.

normalishdude · 03/07/2014 11:14

I want to be on top of my email and I check my phone regularly- I'm not having an affair.

Vladimar · 03/07/2014 11:15

Can't believe people saying she needs to take responsibility for his strop! You expressed an opinion respectfully, he can react respectfully. He can explain you pissed on his cornflakes hurt his feelings and you could choose to apologise. He can not throw a strop and then demand an apology.

iggy155 · 03/07/2014 11:17

In my experience this mornings incident is the tip of the iceberg. Sounds like you were both already silently annoyed/irrated/fed up of (delete as applicable) and the incident today was the tipping point. sounds like an over reaction on both sides tbh. You both need a good chat about what is going on in your relationship.

Annarose2014 · 03/07/2014 11:19

Yes it does seem rather typical doesn't it? You often see these dynamics on here - a SAHM who used to work and is worn out and gets no help, and a father who pushes himself too much as a result of taking on the only income, and is stressed up to the eyeballs with work. And they start to hate each other just a little bit.

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