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Original poster

Should I apologise to DH- he wants a big apology

111 replies

Twotofive · 03/07/2014 10:24

I've just had an argument with my DH (one of many recently). According to him I'm always at fault, but this argument has really touched a nerve for me so I just wanted to check on here before I have to give him a big apology.

I was just driving him to work and he was telling me how he was talking about our children in a presentation he did the other day. It was a talk about technology and he was telling the audience how our children are so used to iPads that they think books & magazines are broken and they keep swiping at them. I then said 'great, now everyone thinks our children sit on iPads all day'. He then got in such a strop with me going in about how negative I am etc. he then made me stop the car, slammed the door & walked the rest of the way.

I am offended as our children don't swipe at books and magazines! 2 of them are 15 months and never use the ipad and our 3 year old isn't stupid. I read them plenty of books.

Hes just sent me a text message about how awful I am to him. But this has really upset me & I don't want to give him an apology but he will be expecting one.

OP posts:

samthewolf · 03/07/2014 10:39

NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN OR ACTUALLY THINKS YOUR CHILDREN DON'T KNOW WHAT A BOOK IS.

I would probably have a bit of a huff if I had that to deal with all the time.

tallwivglasses · 03/07/2014 10:39

I think he over-reacted. Maybe he realised it was a naff thing to say and didn't want to admit to it. Exactly how big does this apology have to be?

fourforksache · 03/07/2014 10:40

oh , and yanbu, I don't agree with the whingey comments either.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 03/07/2014 10:40

You have 15mo twins and a 3 yo? You need to both take a deep breath, step back, and be nice to each other for a bit.

You could maybe apologise for being a big negative. He definitely needs to apologise for taking this so personally - storming out of the car was a massive over reaction.

You are both probably stressed to high heaven, running on a four year sleep deprivation, and have very little time for each other (literal, if not figurative), so yes little things blow up into big things. Try and look past this pointless argument and figure out a way of having some fun together.

WildBillfemale · 03/07/2014 10:40

I'm concerned because I don't like the fact that he basically told 100 people my kids don't know what a book is

oh dear - you are coming across as negative critical and humourless now. Do you really deep down think any one of those 100 people is going to give a nano seconds thought to the comment let alone believe it?

I'm on your H's side here you do need to apologise to him.

redskyatnight · 03/07/2014 10:40

It was a joke!! No one in the presentation would have thought he seriously meant it. I think you need to look at why you don't see it as a joke tbh.

Vladimar · 03/07/2014 10:40

He massively over reacted...that's the problem. You'll have to think twice before you pipe up next time OP (sarcasm)

You can say sorry for taking it personally about your children but so what? You didn't bollock him or insist he call another meeting to set the record straight.

He needs to grow up and stop being so bloody reactive imo.

tribpot · 03/07/2014 10:41

How do arguments normally go in your house? Are you always in the wrong? Are you always expected to make a big apology? Does he often storm out during arguments?

snowgirl1 · 03/07/2014 10:43

I think you're a bit oversensitive. He was probably expecting you to laugh at his joke. No-one who heard your DH's joke is going to think that your children don't know what a book is.

WildBillfemale · 03/07/2014 10:43

Has anyone said LTB yet? ............

Fullpleatherjacket · 03/07/2014 10:43

He made a weak joke at a presentation and I think you've overreacted to that part.

However he has behaved like a massive knob what with the stropping off and expecting an apology.

You cancel each other out.

Keepithidden · 03/07/2014 10:43

There's youtube videos of toddlers swiping magazines in the same way they would a Tablet PC, so this kind of thing does happen. Its the nature of technology, in the same way I imagine previous generations would try to feed straw to an automobile (if that's not too tenuous an analogy!). It's the way of these things, I'm a Digital Immigrant, my kids are Digital Natives...

But it sounds like there's something else going on as PP suggest.

Original poster

Twotofive · 03/07/2014 10:44

No he said 'I have 3 under 3 and they think magazines are broken' well along those lines.

He always goes off in a strop, and if I ever disagree with home it's me being negative. Sometimes I can't be bothered to argue with him so is just go along with it to keep the peace.

We never get time together as he works till 11 at night (from home) and weekends too so I think that's contributing to it too. I have tried to talk to him about us not getting much time together (last night in fact) but he wouldn't let me finish and got in a strop about how I just want him to help with the housework (I don't). Started throwing my shoes to highlight he was 'helping'etc- that kind of stop

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 03/07/2014 10:45

I have stretched the truth in presentations to make them more interesting and/or funny. Luckily I don't have a partner to get cross about it and so I can stretch to my hearts content.

Are any of the 100 participants going to ever meet you and/or your children? No-one seriously thinks children swipe at books do they?

Was making the presentation a big deal for him (I assume as he was still talking about it, that it was) - he was basking in his moment of glory and you made it all about you. Perhaps he just wanted a "Gosh dear you are so witty and professional" and was disappointed that you missed your cue. I'm not saying you need to have said that but he was probably a bit dashed.

murphys · 03/07/2014 10:46

Don't be too surprized if he doesn't tell you what he says in another presentation because I think you have overreacted. I think you are reading too much into this. It was done in humour, not as a personal attack his your (which are his too) children.

WorkingBling · 03/07/2014 10:47

But two, if you always disagree with him in the way you've outlined here, then it's not unreasonable for him to get annoyed. Yes, his strops sound a bit childish, but you have to accept some of the responsibility here.

With three small children, he should be cutting back on work if he can. I think you probbaly feel resentful - your'e working so hard to raise this kids, largely alone by the sounds of it, so you're not open to any implied or suggested criticism. I understand that.

Overall, you both clearly need to talk. There's a lot going on here.

Miggsie · 03/07/2014 10:47

Actually my concern is "according to DH I am always at fault" and "he wants a big apology" - he really likes you to feel small doesn't he - I think the presentation is irrelevant compared to how he seems to treat you in general.

The "wanting a big apology" is very very worrying - does he always make you apologise to him even over something silly? I think he expected you to tell him how clever he was being over his presentation and didn't like the fact you didn't like the content and thought about the kids, I doubt he was thinking that way - hence his big strop.

FreeSpirit89 · 03/07/2014 10:47

I can see both sides on this one. Some kids do react like that, if all there used to is iPads. Maybe he wasn't spacificly talking about your children.

I would say let him get on with it

fourforksache · 03/07/2014 10:47

there are bigger issues here.

I think you should stop accepting blame for an easier life.

dreamingbohemian · 03/07/2014 10:48

It sounds miserable. How long have things been like this?

Are there any big changes that could be made to improve things? Will he have to work so much forever?

TinyTear · 03/07/2014 10:49

do you do presentations for work?
i have to present regularly to audiences from 3 to 300 and do use jokes to break the ice...

no one will care it was your children, no one will call SS on them because they think they don't know books. I think you owe him an apology!

Original poster

Twotofive · 03/07/2014 10:49

All I said was 'great, now people think our children are on iPads all day' that's all I said. I didn't think I said it in a whingey way.

I'm going to apologise to him for taking it personally. He won't apologise for the tantrum though- he will just say I caused it

OP posts:

gamerchick · 03/07/2014 10:49

Never mind kids doing it, I've been known to try and make the writing bigger on a magazine.

Tbh it sounds as if you're both at fault and ill be betting there's a bigger picture. Demanding a big apology is pretty pathetic though imo.

I would be texting back that if this is the way a tiny thing gets blown up between the both off you then it's looking likely the marriage might be in trouble soon if it isn't already and proper talk is needed.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2014 10:50

You've got a serious compatibility problem there with a large dose of bullying in the mix. Throwing shoes (?), slamming car doors etc is aggressive behaviour. I'm not surprised you felt under attack and responded so defensively about the joke. I think you feel under attack at home a lot of the rest of the time, sadly.

No-one needs to work until 11pm every night and weekends too. Are you very sure that's what he's really doing? Put it together with the aggressive stuff, the accusations and recent, frequent arguments and I'm afraid I would suggest you cherchez la femme

NickiFury · 03/07/2014 10:50

Your response makes you sound like a critical misery guts. However it's clearly part of a bigger picture. As a pp said there's a certain point when you are unhappy with your DH/DP when they can't say or do anything right. I think that's where you're at.

I don't think I would want to apologise either but someone is going to have to aren't they?

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