should I leave dh for a gay man to have a child?

[crashbandicoot]

I feel I have gotten myself into a terrible mess. I am 34 and am ttc'ing with much older dh (53) who I've been with for 10 years. Dh didn't really want kids but has now come round. However after ttc'ing for 1 year on and off for one year with no results and I am not coping at all. I am off work sick with depression and am on ADs. I have run up 5K debt paying for ferility related things such as accupuncture as part of a general breakdown I:m having.

I am so angry with Dh for making me wait to ttc for years and now nothing. I love dh but after 10 years there is no passion which makes ttc harder. He has a borderline sperm count as well. I know we would be good parents but without dc life feels so empty and I have visions of being a lonely childless widow..

To add complications a 32 year old gay friend wants to ttc and is desparate for a child whereas dh is not all that bothered so I am thinking maybe I should just go with him as it would increase my chances of a baby. It would break my heart to split up with dh tho and his too...

I have madly been thinking of having a one off with gay man and see what happens... but not sure as it could get messy if anyone found out. A very stressful pregnancy too if/when dh found out. And what if I miscarried? I would have no dh and no child...

Sorry thoughts are racing and just feel that my whole future hangs on this decision. I have never made a selfish/mercenry decision in my life am wondering it is time to start... or is my thinking mad and irrational because of my depression?

Have you been checked out for fertility issues, or do you think your dh's low sperm count is the problem? If the latter, why not go for a sperm donor? Or adopt?

When you say 'I have run up 5K debt' I am assuming you mean you have both run up 5k debt.

I'm sorry but going down the path of baby with you friend is not a good one.

But this is your decision.

thanks early bird. dont think i could adopt because of mh issues and would want a young child tbh but because of dh's age we would only be offered an older child or teenager prob..I cant believe I got myself in this mess... feel like i sleepwalked thru my 20s and now this...

I think you have to take a little step back because emotions are running high and you've got depression in the mix.

You're pinning your hopes on 'baby' to solve your problems and I wonder what is it that the baby actually represents. An altruistic desire for motherhood, a way to acquire some affection, a bid for future security? There are ways to conceive when a partner has a low sperm count and yet your thought process has immediately jumped to a gay friend rather than other methods that involve your DH. So is your DH the problem here? Is the love you say you have for him just words?

Yes you are getting way ahead of yourself, slow down and sort things out in the right order.

Your gay friend is offering the tantalising possibility of what you want, but splitting up with your husband in a rush for an undefined parenting arrangement with a gay man is not the answer. Nor is having a pregnancy that you pretend to your DH is his. You know this. It is just your tunnel vision speaking at the moment.

First things first:

• Focus on your mental health. What can you do to take your mind OFF ttc'ing, so that you can think about it more seldom and more rationally? Sports, hobbies, socializing...

• Do you want to raise children with your husband? If so, how much longer do you want to try fertility treatments together? Would it set your mind at rest to set a time limit? Have you any fertility treatment options left to explore - such as artificial insemination?

• Is there a cut-off date after which you and your husband would consider a sperm donor, or adoption?

I understand the panic and stress you are feeling. Slow down and take a breather: you are not going to take any good decisions in your current state of mind, understandable as it is.

hellsbells debt is in my name and dh didnt know about it until friday. we have come close to divorce but are trying to work thru it. glad to get an opinion on gay friend option. my mind is all over the place..

thanks goats and ergito. one of the big problems is my resentment of dh..he wanted to focus on his ambition of writing a book until he finally gave in when I was 33 to ttc. I cant get over the fact that I have had to nag him for a child. I am so angry at wasting my fertile years on studying for pointless courses. Sorry if I am so negative.. depression has set in bad..

Please focus on your depression and getting well before making any drastic changes to your life.

Do you have anyone in rl you can confide in?

Do you want to stay in your marriage?

I have madly been thinking of having a one off with gay man and see what happens he's a gay man how could you have a one off with him?

Also surely the gay friend would want to be in his child's life and would be very suspicious if you became pregnant after the 'one off'. I'm confused as to how you think this could work.

Are you having any kind of counselling to treat your depression, and could you discuss your resentment towards your husband there?

If you've already come close to a divorce, you're probably doubting that this is the right environment to bring a child into anyway. It's clear you feel under pressure because of your age but I don't think that's helping your judgement. The main choices it seems you have are....

• Fertility treatment either with DH or donor sperm (mutually agreed) and hope the marriage improves & survives
• Leave DH and have a child independently either using the gay friend or donor sperm

thanks finola and goats - i talk to my mum and cpn but noone can make this decision for me. I have been with Dh since I was 22 and couldnt imagine being with anyone else or who would put up with me. Our relationship needs dc though as it is stale and no fun although it is caring. Is the fact that we love and care for one another enough?

I understand your desire for a baby but please don't go about it this way. The secrets and lies will only cause heartache for everyone involved.

Think in this situation I would leave DH and either come to arrangement with gay friend or, more likely, wait til I met a straight man to have kids with. No point TTC with your DH If he doesn't really want kids and you don't really have a sex life.

thornerose - if successful the gay man would be a coparent. I know him and his sister and they are both keen. his sister is lovely and i would love to be part of her family...

dh and i have been together for so long though.

Its not enough if it's stale and no fun.... that's self-evident. DCs do not fix a poor relationship. Besides which you're painting a picture of a DH who has been very selfish and not at all enthusiastic about DCs and yourself as someone who is rather angry and resentful and who has to be 'put up with'. Bring a baby into that dynamic with all it entails.... fatigue, differences of opinion, restrictions on social life... and you may find you long for the days when life was stale and no fun.

"Our relationship needs dc though as it is stale and no fun although it is caring"

If your relationship is stale and no fun then a child will not fix that issue at all. You cannot and must not ever use a child as glue to bind the two of you together. Either both work on fixing this staleness between you or end the marriage for good. This is not an ideal environment either for a child to be brought into.

such a mess i've created!. the thought of leaving dh breaks my heart it really does although maybe I am in denial about our future. We have procreation sex and that is all but i am not that bothered.

Maybe i should try for one more year with dh and if nothing happens suggest gay friend as sperm donor? it would be cheaper than ivf and dh hates spending money.

Sounds like your marriage has run its course, child or no child. Agree with others that you need to take a break from the whole situation - relationship, ttc and so on. You are blaming dh for the lack of a child , are you sure there aren't other possibilities ? You cannot pursue this at the moment, what if the baby doesn't fill the void you hope for, can you afford to raise a baby on your own ? At 34 time is still on your side, but you need help now to accept whatever the longer term outcome is first.

"Maybe i should try for one more year with dh and if nothing happens suggest gay friend as sperm donor? it would be cheaper than ivf and dh hates spending money".

The above is completely fatalistic.

I think you need to get your own self sorted out have your depression properly treated before bringing a child into this. What you are suggesting above could well bring nothing but more emotional anguish not just for you but for the child as well.

You really should be concentrating on your own mental health before even thinking of TTC. If you can't adopt because of MH reasons, is it really fair on the child to conceive it anyway? And that doesn't even brush on the whole DH/gay guy co parenting with you and his sister thing.

Your gay friend presumably wants some kind of co parent relationship, though, and unless you go through an HFEA registered clinic, will have the right to claim parental responsibility (and you will be able to ask the CSA to pursue child support).

Do you and your DH want to co parent with him?

I know you wanted to try earlier but waiting until 33 would strike many as a reasonable age.

attila - what do you mean by fatalistic? is it not pragmatic?

to everyone.. dc seem to bring a common focus to a relationship which is what we need now after 10 years.. is that so wrong? we were getting om before ttcing although i was happy and excited about us becoming parents