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Original poster

should I leave dh for a gay man to have a child?

90 replies

crashbandicoot · 02/07/2014 16:42

I feel I have gotten myself into a terrible mess. I am 34 and am ttc'ing with much older dh (53) who I've been with for 10 years. Dh didn't really want kids but has now come round. However after ttc'ing for 1 year on and off for one year with no results and I am not coping at all. I am off work sick with depression and am on ADs. I have run up 5K debt paying for ferility related things such as accupuncture as part of a general breakdown I:m having.

I am so angry with Dh for making me wait to ttc for years and now nothing. I love dh but after 10 years there is no passion which makes ttc harder. He has a borderline sperm count as well. I know we would be good parents but without dc life feels so empty and I have visions of being a lonely childless widow..

To add complications a 32 year old gay friend wants to ttc and is desparate for a child whereas dh is not all that bothered so I am thinking maybe I should just go with him as it would increase my chances of a baby. It would break my heart to split up with dh tho and his too...

I have madly been thinking of having a one off with gay man and see what happens... but not sure as it could get messy if anyone found out. A very stressful pregnancy too if/when dh found out. And what if I miscarried? I would have no dh and no child...

Sorry thoughts are racing and just feel that my whole future hangs on this decision. I have never made a selfish/mercenry decision in my life am wondering it is time to start... or is my thinking mad and irrational because of my depression?

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/07/2014 18:24

Certainly not at present. You said "baby rabies" sound like an aversion to them to me! If dh doesn't really want children are you sure he'd really want to be a SAHD ? It may be getting a little ahead of yourselves but you can't make such assumptions yet.

Cherryblossom200 · 02/07/2014 18:25

I'm just warning you that's all. Some people have such bad anxiety they end up on meds for it. It's just hard that's all I'm saying. But hopefully one day you will have a child :) I hope you do x

SolomanDaisy · 02/07/2014 18:27

I think you need to have a chat with your GP, about both fertility testing and your mental health. I tried for much, much longer than you and, whilst fertility issues are very stressful, your current feelings are quite extreme.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 02/07/2014 18:29

Op, I think you are too fragile to be posting on here right now. Please talk to your GP about your overall health and fertility - there may be better or worse ways to handle this medically eg specific medications.

flingingmelon · 02/07/2014 18:32

I second Bills suggestion, get to the GP, get yourselves tested and into the system. That did wonders for us.

Also I wonder: if you're not sure what to do, does it always hurt to just do nothing?

TickleMePurple · 02/07/2014 18:33

Slightly different situation but I sank into depression after a miscarriage and was depressed for months afterwards and thought having a baby would lift my depression, but I stayed depressed through my next (successful) pregnancy and for the first year of my child's life. It was shit and I couldn't have got through it without the wonderful supportive fun happy relationship I have with my partner. If you get pregnant now it will not improve your depression, it won't solve your problems, in fact having a newborn for the first time is unspeakably hard so you need to be prepared and have a strong relationship. Please bear all this in mind.

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 02/07/2014 18:35

soloman - yes I think you are right. I feel like I have fallen at the first hurdle. I have been a reasonably functioning human being up to this point. I burnt myself last year though through studying, working and ttcing. sister asked me if my life felt empty without kids and this seems to have set me off.

reading back now it sounds like i am plannig initially on coparenting with my dh!

OP posts:
Original poster
crashbandicoot · 02/07/2014 18:37

bills - thanks for your concern and I have started on a new ad so will see if that helps.

OP posts:
Original poster
crashbandicoot · 02/07/2014 18:40

flinging - yes i think you are right! doing nothing is prob the best in the short term at least and dh and I are not ttcing just now anyway until I feel better.

OP posts:
Original poster
crashbandicoot · 02/07/2014 18:41

tickle - how did you get over your depression?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 02/07/2014 18:42

i think adding a baby into a stale marriage with no passion will be really tough. The chances are you will break up anyway.

you need to work on your anger with your dp and why you feel he wasnt entitled to want to wait till he was ready to ttc??

rumbleinthrjungle · 02/07/2014 18:43

If you were successful with your friend in conceiving, how might you feel about the child living anything up to 50% of the time away from you with the other parent? If he is keen to have a child he may very likely not find the standard one mid week overnight and every other weekend plus half the holidays is enough parenting time for him. Would you feel ok with that?

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 02/07/2014 18:48

Op, if you have recently changed meds it may take a few weeks for your body to adapt, could you now take a breather? Go stay with a friend, go to a free museum, walk in the woods, whatever you like to do.

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 02/07/2014 18:48

branleause - it is interesting that you say he was entitled. I thought he was being selfish but maybe I am wrong!

rumble - good point, that would be hard. I would need insist that we at least try to live together. he is an artist bohemian type so I am sure we could work something out. if i am feeling better and decide on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
crashbandicoot · 02/07/2014 18:52

bills - that is a lovely idea and i fully intend to stuff like this as I have been signed off work for one month. need to sort head out clearly. i might post something on the mental health threads.

I am starting to come round to the idea that I am coparenting with dh although it might seem crazy.

thank all your comments.

OP posts:
BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 02/07/2014 18:53

Crash, I think it's quite unlikely that living with a gay co-parent is a long term solution. What if he or you start another relationship?

Also, whilst you know your DH's Soren count is low (but still just about normal) - you have no idea currently about your friend's.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 02/07/2014 18:54

Soren? Sperm!

I'm glad you are taking some time for yourself.

Branleuse · 02/07/2014 18:54

its hard because there isnt much of a compromise is there. you can either ttc or dont. Wanting a baby can be a hugely primal urge and it can take over. He is however completely entitled to want to wait, or even say no children.

beccajoh · 02/07/2014 18:57

I think you need to separate the problems in your marriage from your desire to have a baby.

DistanceCall · 02/07/2014 18:58

You say "Our relationship needs dc though as it is stale and no fun although it is caring."

This is insane. You don't bring children into a relationship to save it. And your husband doesn't want children. (And, I might say, you knew this).

Also, so say you don't want to be a young widow and alone. Odds are your husband will die before you, yes. But a child is not there to make company for you. A child is his/her own person, with his/her own life and independent interests and passions. Who will have his/her own partner.

You are young, and it sounds like the one with reproductive problems is him. So if you feel so strongly about having children you should leave, I think. In any case, the relationship doesn't seem that good to begin with.

But please don't bring a child into the world to solve your own problems.

Branleuse · 02/07/2014 19:01

also ttc for a year is quite normal too

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 02/07/2014 19:04

its all a mess

OP posts:
Original poster
crashbandicoot · 02/07/2014 19:04

it's

OP posts:
BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 02/07/2014 19:14

Ok, OP. Breathe and reboot. New meds, time off work, nice things planned or being planned. Try and take this time to calm your mind - there's no need to make a decision in the next month.

Bootoyou2 · 02/07/2014 19:19

Mental health issues aside-If you have been trying for 1 year you could ask for a referral to fertility clinic from your GP. There may be lots of options for treatment. Have you seen a specialist?

There is lots of support on www.fertilityfriends.co.uk