should I leave dh for a gay man to have a child?

[crashbandicoot]

I feel I have gotten myself into a terrible mess. I am 34 and am ttc'ing with much older dh (53) who I've been with for 10 years. Dh didn't really want kids but has now come round. However after ttc'ing for 1 year on and off for one year with no results and I am not coping at all. I am off work sick with depression and am on ADs. I have run up 5K debt paying for ferility related things such as accupuncture as part of a general breakdown I:m having.

I am so angry with Dh for making me wait to ttc for years and now nothing. I love dh but after 10 years there is no passion which makes ttc harder. He has a borderline sperm count as well. I know we would be good parents but without dc life feels so empty and I have visions of being a lonely childless widow..

To add complications a 32 year old gay friend wants to ttc and is desparate for a child whereas dh is not all that bothered so I am thinking maybe I should just go with him as it would increase my chances of a baby. It would break my heart to split up with dh tho and his too...

I have madly been thinking of having a one off with gay man and see what happens... but not sure as it could get messy if anyone found out. A very stressful pregnancy too if/when dh found out. And what if I miscarried? I would have no dh and no child...

Sorry thoughts are racing and just feel that my whole future hangs on this decision. I have never made a selfish/mercenry decision in my life am wondering it is time to start... or is my thinking mad and irrational because of my depression?

if anyone has struggled to conceive i think you would understand that it is a very stressful time and can easily lead to depression and negative thinking. not making that to be an excuse as I am aware of the damage a mentally ill parent can do ( lI had two myself).

"Our relationship needs dc though as it is stale and no fun". Having dc to distract from a relationship that is stale and no fun is a really bad idea. Relationships are tested hugely by dc, not made exciting and more fun. It needs to be rock solid to begin with.

One year TTC on and off is not a really long time - have you been to your GP as well as the acupuncturist?

dc seem to bring a common focus to a relationship which is what we need now after 10 years.. is that so wrong?

It is when you describe your relationship as 'stale'. Children don't zhush up a relationship. They put it to the test in a big way and if you factor in your mental health problems, it doesn't make for a good situation for anyone involved, least of all the child.

You need to have a long hard look at your marriage and work out if you want to be in it or not and concentrate on getting yourself well before you try to conceive.

You are only thinking of your own self here.

Should the two of you really be together now?.

You were excited by potentially becoming a parent but your DH did not want children initially and you've now been together 10 years.

A common focus in the relationship should be from the two of you, not a child. A child cannot and must not be used as glue to bind the two of you together. If this marriage is stale after ten years a child won't fix that but will just widen existing problems within the marriage.

i can't believe that dc are not fun. my sister and her feckless on/off boyfriend have been transformed by having an unplanned dd. they would never have been as happy without her. dh and i are a good team.. just bored and ready to move on to the next stage. maybe i am just panicking about my age.

Hi Crash, the other posters are far more help than me but I just wanted to add my story in the vague possibility it may shed alternative light. My husband and I had a similar age gap, I didn't want to have a baby until I was early thirties and when we eventually started TTC (after ten years) it took over a year. I never entirely thought my DH really wanted a baby and a combo of coming off the pill and not getting pregnant left me extremely depressed and unsure about our future together. Eventually we saw a specialist who was a great help and we finally got pregnant. My hormones altered and I was much happier, although hand on heart I still wasn't sure about DH really wanting the baby.
Anyhow fast forward to DS arriving and DH confessed to me that he didn't think for a moment that he could possibly feel the love that he felt for his new family. We've certainly had all the ups and downs any new parents have but we've nearly made it through the first year and we're doing great again. My blood runs cold to think that I nearly left him and missed out on where we are now.

Good luck OP, don't rush into anything.

How are you going to get pregnant by a gay bloke? Shave your head and dabble mascara over your chin whilst asking him to call you Geoff?

Yes dc do bring a common focus, but they also bring chaos, sleep deprivation, hormonal swings, worry.
The simplest things child free such as popping to the corner shop for milk becomes a feat of organisational achievement with kids.

Having said that, dd HAS brought me and my dh closer, she is the one thing we have in common now. But I don't love him half as much as i did. Having dd has made me see he is a self centred, thoughtless, selfish, controlling hypochondriac. And although he is better now than a year ago the damage has been done and I don't think I will love him again. I'm happiest now when he is not here.

flingingmelon - thanks! your story gives me hope! i really am at a crossroads.

allhail - sorry but i find that a bit unworthy as gay men have children all the time now. I am sorry to hear that your relationship is suffering however.

can't believe that dc are not fun. my sister and her feckless on/off boyfriend have been transformed by having an unplanned dd. they would never have been as happy without her. hmm , do you have a sense of competition with your sister perhaps ? dc can be fun , but they can also be testing , tiring , hard work, unwell, temperamental and cause anxiety, excessive tiredness , depression, stress ... can you face that with or without your dh. What if they were less than your ideal or the pregnancy difficult , would you feel cheated again ?

Our relationship needs dc though as it is stale and no fun although it is caring

Not all that caring if you're contemplating binning him. So many things in this marriage that he didn't know - your plans, your debt. The marriage needs some work or a decision to split before you even think of a baby in your life.

Please, please slow down and concentrate on the issues you're having right now. The MH issues, the debt, your overall hopes and plans for your future.

What you're telling us here is a dreadful environment for a child. You're unhappy and approaching the unhappiness with a scattergun approach believing that a baby will fix your marriage and your life. A baby isn't a toy or a bandaid. Just reading your post tired me so goodness knows how all this is affecting you. Please do concentrate on the immediate issues and don't contemplate having a baby yet, with anyone.

Your sister and her boyfriend are lucky if an unplanned baby has brought them closer together because even the best planned baby can show up cracks in a relationship. Have you and DH talked properly about the practicalities, changes and expectations around life with a baby or are you up to your ears in the TTC process and unable to think further than the next POAS?

allhail - what hormones did you take?

Lizs - yes I am jealous of my sister! i wish we had been more sponataneous like them rather than waiting for the so called perfect time. i feel dh has maybe been a bit controlling in our relationship and am blaming him now. not healthy i know.

OP are you bipolar because from reading your posts you sound quite manic. If you are in the middle of an episode, you shouldn't be making any decisions about your future.

and bear in mind that taking hormones and other fertility related treatments can play havoc with your mental and physical health too.

Plenty of men (and women) can be controlling in relationships. Very common for much older people to specifically select much younger people as partners precisely because they are easy to manipulate.

If you've been with him from being very young and always deferred to his decision-making e.g. book before children, because you regarded him as older, wiser, superior or whatever.... then part of you maturing as a person might be that you now regret taking such a submissive role.

Hey there, just read your post. I do feel for you hun. I'm pregnant (wasn't planned and a bit of a mess TBH!) I'm just over 7 weeks and I can tell you the stress and anxiety you go through is pretty bad. I'm 38 so it shows you probably have got time on your side. But I would urge you to get your depression etc sorted first before you embark on such a journey. I don't suffer with MH issues and with the hormone surges it really is tough at times.

I know you are worried about your biological clock but if I was in your shoes I would wait until you can get the best possible timing to have your baby.

Just a tip, the clear blue ovulation tests are supposed to be really accurate. Friends of mine used them and became pregnant quite quickly. Maybe with trying that?

Good luck hun x

cogito - yes we have enough money for us both to work pt and share childcare. dh actually would prefer to be a sahd. i have baby rabies.however and seeing children everywhere makes me want to break down in tears.

I know I need to get strong mentally but am not sure how to with all these overlapping issues.

am off to make dinner now for my 18 year old neice. but any further advice/insight appreciated.

one thing that looms in my mind that i want to get pregnant before I am 35 and that is driving me nuts

Op, have you spoken to your GP about fertility? Has your DH been tested? Have you?

You definitely need to calm down a bit and get some counselling , otherwise if you aren't pg by 35 you will hit a wall again. Having life goals is fine but not if you live so rigidly by them. Where does your dh feature in such plans ? Why do you want a child so badly if you don't like babies ?

thanks cherry b

phalen - i have not been diagnosed as bipolar, no. would this diagnosis help me do you think?

I have been diagnosed with depression although in the past have suffered with social anxiety
l.

Oh crash...please be really careful. Pregnant heightens anxiety massively. It's like PMT magnified and if you are already an anxious person this would be difficult for you to manage.

But I do know the longing for a child you are going though. I was in a 15 year relationship with someone I met at 18 so I totally understand how you feel. He was all I knew! I grew up with him. But eventually I had to make the tough decision to leave him. I also thought a baby would help being us closer but it would have ripped us apart 100% and looking back now I'm so glad I didn't do it. I'm pregnant now and doing it alone which isn't ideal but better then being in a rubbish relationship. The idea of being single was worse then being single. Don't be afraid to break up with him if you at not happy. But if you are happy and it's just your lacking of a child which is the problem then sit down with him and really explain how you are feeling. Communicate with him what the issue is.

Liz - just to say that i am seeking counselling. I didnt say I don't like babies though.

So it seems in some way that I am damned as I couldn't cope with pregnancy and all it entails. that is what I am hearing?

Cherry - i know you are just trying to be helpful