should I leave dh for a gay man to have a child?

[crashbandicoot]

I feel I have gotten myself into a terrible mess. I am 34 and am ttc'ing with much older dh (53) who I've been with for 10 years. Dh didn't really want kids but has now come round. However after ttc'ing for 1 year on and off for one year with no results and I am not coping at all. I am off work sick with depression and am on ADs. I have run up 5K debt paying for ferility related things such as accupuncture as part of a general breakdown I:m having.

I am so angry with Dh for making me wait to ttc for years and now nothing. I love dh but after 10 years there is no passion which makes ttc harder. He has a borderline sperm count as well. I know we would be good parents but without dc life feels so empty and I have visions of being a lonely childless widow..

To add complications a 32 year old gay friend wants to ttc and is desparate for a child whereas dh is not all that bothered so I am thinking maybe I should just go with him as it would increase my chances of a baby. It would break my heart to split up with dh tho and his too...

I have madly been thinking of having a one off with gay man and see what happens... but not sure as it could get messy if anyone found out. A very stressful pregnancy too if/when dh found out. And what if I miscarried? I would have no dh and no child...

Sorry thoughts are racing and just feel that my whole future hangs on this decision. I have never made a selfish/mercenry decision in my life am wondering it is time to start... or is my thinking mad and irrational because of my depression?

Was just thinking if you had the referral in place it might give you something to look forward to, a feeling of moving forward as you concentrate on your health and marriage for a few months.

Op 33 is a normal age to ttc your first child I don't understand why you think your dh has made you waste your fertile years.

thanks all. from what I am hearing current thinking is a bit irrational which is what I wanted to know.

I think I need to:

a) calm down
b) get counselling and let meds.work
c) improve my general happiness (hate my job for example)
d) work out if my relationship has a future
e) ttc for longer and then view options if I am well enough
f) have gay friend as back up sperm donor should worst come to worst (he being willing)

thanks boot

Ok, that sounds like a good structure.

Now go enjoy the sunshine/watch the tennis/read a book and look after yourself x

thanks bill.

You definitely need to concentrate on your depression.
One year ttc is not unusual - and you haven't done that as it's been on and off. Yet you've spent £5K that you don't have on "fertility related things" - by which I suspect you mean things like Clearblue monitors, as well as the acupuncture?
Stop trying to home remedy!
I saw up thread you asking about what hormones someone had...
I've had IVF, I've been through ttc issues, I've seen people on forums discussing cough medicine and grapefruit juice (at least they're cheaper than acupuncture!) - it sounds like you've become way too obsessed with ttc. Which may be a function of your depression, and if not it will certainly to feeding it.

See your GP, but about your depression not ttc.

Your list is a good one except the back up option of gay friend. Absolutely crazy idea. You friend wants a baby, not to be a sperm donor. You want to be 50/50 care arrangement and handing your baby over for days at a time?

thanks cabrinha

Crashbandicoot, you are young yet at 34.
Don't think of the last 10 years as wasted.
A lot of women have babies later in life.

You can do a lot in your position.
Sorting yourself out and finding a happier head space is essential, and counselling and a healthy lifestyle will help. Also cognitive behavioural therapy.
See your GP and discuss the depression, anxiety and the frustration of TTCing in that order. Ask for a full gynae work up as well - it's good to know what's going on - knowledge is power!

For the TTCing, buy multi vitamins and minerals, especially zinc for your DH. Take X2 the amount of folic acid yourself.
Buy ovulation sticks and test yourself, so you know when you're at your most fertile. Keep this info to yourself, if you plan to ttc with your DH - nothing worse than sex on demand- it can be so stressful, and a real test of even the most loving of relationships.

Best of luck in your journey.

To answer your question to me OP - the main thing that got me out of my depression was changing job/finding new career direction. From your later posts it looks like that might be worth looking into got you. Good luck with it all.

The last thing you need to be doing is creating a life with a man who isn't that bothered and in a relationship that is unstable. You need to think about the bigger picture, stop thinking about your desires, there is a potential child in the mix here.

Get yourself sorted and your head in a better place. Stress will not help you conceive. I'd forget about making babies for now until things are better with your partner or you have split up or whatever. If things are stressful now and bad in the relationship don't think for one minute that having a child will put that right.

should I leave dh for a gay man to have a child

No leave your husband if you don't want to be married to him anymore.

Get an anonymous sperm donor if you want to ttc.

The friend needs to sort his own arrangements rather than take advantage of your situation. It might get really really messy if you use him as a known donor.

thanks everyone i agree with the advice in the main. i do however believe that a known donor generally is better from the childs point of view.

Hi, crash, wow, what a difficult place you are in. I've had friends go through fertility treatment for some years before conceiving and I know it is a real rollercoaster of emotions and incredibly hard.

I think your list from a-e is great (I too would recommend removing option f--go with a "normal" sperm donation situation in the future if you need to, too many complications could arise with the gay friend route). Perhaps you could print that list out, post it on the fridge, and keep reminding yourself of it?

Are you getting any MH treatment other than the medication? Some face to face talking with a good counsellor sounds like a good idea when you are facing so much stress and big decisions.

Echoing a few other things from other posters:
try not to panic about your age. Many of us conceive much older than 33! Point "e" on your list.
having a baby can bring you together with your DH, but it can also drive you apart because it is incredibly hard (as well as fun sometimes). Please don't assume it will fix things. Basically, sort out at point "d" on your list.
*being pregnant and looking after an infant can make you very anxious or depressed if you are unlucky--I had periods of depression both pre- and post-birth. Not saying "you're too messed up to have a child!" at all, just saying "get your MH ducks in a row NOW so you're prepared when you do get pregnant and the rough times hit." Points a-c on your list.

See, your list is great, you have got what it takes. Just keep reminding yourself of it while you go through this journey!

thanks eggnut et al. i am so touched with all your constructive advice. i am finding it so good being off work and think that if i go back it will make ttc ing easier. I just never realised it would be this hard. i wish sex ed had been more rounded when I was younger and taught you about how to mentally and physically prepare yourself.