Utterly devastated and i feel so alone and stupid (long)

[Rewy]

I realised at the weekend that my boyfriend is a Narcissist and has been emotionally abusing me for the last 26 months. He is text book Narc, been googling it and he has absolutely classic traits.
I feel so stupid that i didnt see through it before.
Feel like im dying i miss him so much , im infatuated with him,its like he has cast a spell over me. Ive never been so into a man before ( not that ive been with many)
I met him a few months after the breakup of my last long term 22 year relationship (which was also emotionally abusive)My ex was a passive agressive compulsive liar who slept around behind my back and finacially abused me and reduced me to a wreck.
When i first met my boyfriend he was so charming ,so handsome ,so kind and flattering. Always offering to help me out with money or practical things . Boosting my confidence,made me feel like a princess. The sex was amazing very thrilling ,risky and varied . He was the experienced older man with past of many partners.
I thought it was odd when he offered to buy a house with me a few months into the relationship (i refused of course)but he was always pushing or leaning on me to let him move in .He declared his love for me very early on. One day out of the blue(8 weeks in) he text me and said we need to talk. I knew what that meant and called him in a panic .He said he thought that i was only meeting him for sex and he didnt want that he wanted a family and could he meet mine blah blah.So i was pushed into that in fear of losing him.
I was already insecure and untrusting because of my ex and then he dropped that bombshell on me .
All was amazing until i brought a house ,the rows started. It was always my fault he would go into a blind rage shouting and insulting me he was the wronged person etc etc . In fear it would always be me trying to calm him say sorry as i would be convinced it was something i must of done. Then i would always get the silent treatment for days on end no calls texts nothing just ignoring me. Then out the blue i would get a nice text and it would be ok again.
Everything was my fault
I tried harder, tried to be better ,understand him and all the while feeling more insecure. He would look at other women when i was with him (i told him i knew and hated it) he said it was a habit .He continued to do it eventually slipping back to the habit.
Lately sex has always been on his terms (always too tired if i wanted it) but ok if he wanted it.Started calling me a nymph ,said all i wanted was sex . He started saying he couldnt have oral sex with me because he had ulcers at back of his throat (with holding pleasure from me) Would only have sex how he wanted to etc.
Many examples of him withholding sex from me.
One incident after yet another row , we started foreplay and i stopped to remove my necklace so it didnt get in the way.This annoyed him and he shouted at me angrily to hurry the fuck up .The sex was angry and not pleasurable for me.
Everything was my fault ,he was too hot ,too cold. My house wasnt right etc. I couldnt get food right and tea only tasted nice if i made it in his special cup.
Saturday night i wanted to hold his hand and talk about a previous row last weekend (just because we hadnt done so because he ignored me ) He went mad shouting calling me a horrible fucking thing . He was getting madder and threatening to go (as always)with me trying to stop him.I started talking about how he makes me feel ,looking at women and then he said hes always done it and its habit ,nothing wrong with it and always done it .I said i hate him always mentioning his many exes then he said he couldnt help the fact hes had loads of women and gets offers all the time. I mentioned his ex wife (the only one he married) he went mad and said "she wasnt much to look at" (ive seen a picture of her on facebook) It was like a slap in the face .I asked why he had married her then and he said he was pushed into it and he didnt even fancy her when he met her. She was a good cook though and had a nice house and didnt push his buttons like i do. She ended the marrige and he told me (when i met him)that the last few "ogres" had also dumped him .I referred to this during the row and he said he never said that he fucked them off. Said his ex of 8 years was a psycho etc and i said maybe he made like that he must have a personality disorder and needs help .He said yes probably but he then mocked me about the counselling i have and said "what like you ?"
He walked out and i havent heard from him since.
God im sorry to waffle on my heads mashed im writing everything down to remind me how abusive he has been to me .Im so embarrassed and lonely . I dont want it to just be me and the dc (not his)
Ive never been alone and i dont want to be
Despite his treatment of me i still dont want anyone else to have him
I dont know where to start

He has a few items here and i dont know what to do .
He knows they are here, i cant move them (too heavy)
wish i could coz i would dump them in his garden and go.
I dont want to see him its too painful.
Also i dont want him coming to get them when im not here
Stupidly its all i have left

Im so tired of feeling like this
Tired of missing him
I keep trying not to cry
Ive got no energy to do anything

Get a friend to get rid of the items. Don't worry about them being his, just get rid of them.

Sleep if you are tired. Eat some food, drink some water. Have a long shower, get dressed.

You are doing it, you have done two weeks now. Remember that he is not feeling any pain about this, get angry if necessary.

I shouldn't tell you this but when I left my narc I did many things that seem undignified now but I still dont regret them:

He had been claiming benefits but working as a decorator- I shopped him to the tax, council tax and job centre.

He carried a large knife in his bag "for safety"- I shopped him to the police for knife crime.

He grew grass and sold it in the pub- ditto for supply.

I don't care if it made me look loopy, I relished the idea of his bubble being burst by knocks on his door to search his house/bag/bank account. I will never know if any of this came to anything but I am glad that I did it because it made me feel better.

I wrote to one of his exes, a letter I found difficult to write and agonised over for a long time. As a result we have become firm friends and she and I supported each other through the pain- he had messed her around for 23 years (I got out after less than one year) and was about to swoop on her again.

I am of course painted as the "viper" (I hear through the grapevine) but I dont mind one bit. If I have exposed any bit of his real self to the world, I am glad. Now, two years on from the final moment when I walked away and knew I meant it, I feel good about myself, I laugh at his pathetic persona and I know that I am well out of his nasty group of suppliers of narcissitic attention.

Keep passing the open windows.

Rewy I've just read your OP and I thought it would be helpful to add my ten p worth.
Really, really, what do you miss?
Angry during sex making it horrible for you
Tea being always wrong (what?) what stops him from providing tea for you all?
Not in his special cup? My 16 month old copes fine
He called you a horrible fucking thing
I could go on.
The mans a mess. What could you possibly miss about him? The odd insincere comment when he thinks he's got away with the latest atrocity?
I'm nearly two years down the line from an abusive relationship. Life has never been sweeter. I work hard and my son is secure and happy. You owe it to yourself to use everything you have to do the same. Good luck with untangling your feelings of self worth from anything associated with this utter waste of space.

And you don't want anyone else to have him? Me neither. He will only wreak damage on his next victim.

Thanks to those posting on here.
I do appreciate it.

orangefusion- He will want the items though i know he will because they are of value. He is moving out of his rental place soon and i dont know where hes going.
I have contemplated contacting one of his exes (the one before me)I have found her on facebook.
Not sure what contacting her will achieve though?
I suppose clarifying stuff for me? How he operates?
I wouldnt like to upset her though as she seems happy now.
I have spent the day in a blur ,feel like im in a dream almost distant. I dozed off for ten minutes this morning and i even dreamt about him then so no respite from it .Close to giving up at times . I dont think im a strong enough person to cope with this.
Keep thinking of how to end it but then i snap back out of it.

Aziraphale -Yes that is true , i pity the next woman.

He can want his stuff back, but if you have got rid of it, he cannot have it. Holding on to it just gives you another thread to hold onto. Dump it all. And ignore him when he whines about wanting it back. Dare I say it, but enjoy the power of saying "I am sorry but it is all gone. Please don't contact me again."

I only contacted an ex because I know he is not safe to be around any woman and she has a daughter approaching 16 and he should not be near her. Despite his approaching 60 he has no boundaries and I was worried that he might get his talons into another generation of young women. That was why I contacted the ex- I also knew her vaguely through friendship networks and hoped that she would be open to hearing from me because she knew me already. I am NOT advocating this as an action for you.

I too felt like you, I knew he was awful and did me no good and yet I would wander around at work in a daze secretly thinking to myself "I still love him" I know now that this was not love, it was a form of addiction or brainwashing. Leaving a narc is like leaving a cult- you know you have to do it but it hurts like hell. Keep going girl. There will be light at the end, you will come through and it will get better if you keep the No Contact. If it helps, think of him like a drug, and you are doing cold turkey, it is hideous for a few weeks and then slowly a lovely warm light will start to ooze back into your bones and you will realise that you can cope and are coping. You gain strength every day you are away from him.

If you feel as wretched as you suggest then you really must see a doctor. Have you been to your GP?

Orangefusion- He has nowhere to store his stuff until his house is ready so im pretty sure he will want it then.I cant get rid of the stuff though its too heavy to move. I am worried he may send his rough mate over for it. Or be a coward and come when my parents are here but i am not.
Gp cannot do anything to help me .

I remembered something today about the last time i saw him and he kicked off . When i was crying and he was being abusive he told me i was a wreck and a state so in order to calm myself down/distract myself, i started flicking through my phone. His face changed and it looked like he was panicking .He asked me what i was doing and i just said nothing. Then he started to accuse me of filming /recording him. I told him of course not why would i. Thing is he has panicked about that before when hes kicked off and ive become upset.
Im starting to think that this is because he fears being exposed as the Narcissist that he is so wouldnt want proof iykwim?

Most abusers wouldn't want to be recorded in their abusive moments. It's not a part of them the outside world usually sees, which of course is just how they plan it.

Two things that I think would help you:

• A shitlist: write yourself a list of the stuff he did that was horrible or just plain unappealing. Look at it whenever you miss him and add to it whenever possible. (Keep it hidden from your DCs.)

• Alexandra Nouri: she gets narcissists like no-one else I've read. Get her book if you can; the first chapter or two are on her website so you can get a taster before you buy.

Yes good idea re the list
Will take a look at the book thanks Charlotte

I'm really missing him tonight.
The weekend looming ahead of me, still don't think it's sunk in.

Do you have any plans for the weekend? What do you like doing?

Im supposed to be seeing a friend tomorrow so ive go that to focus on but sunday nothing planned.
I like to exercise but i havent even done that for 2 weeks as i feel so drained. Plus i always have the dc as their dad has nothing to do with them.

Having friends to pass time with is definitely useful when you're trying not to think about somebody!

Does doing something energetic with the DCs count as exercise in your book?

Not really my youngest is lazy and doesnt like to walk otherwise i would go hiking. I like to run or box or circuits.

Sorry to be judgey O.P. but you're missing what exactly a man who treated you as badly as you describe or if you're being honest do you just miss him because you want the status of saying. I'M in a relationship.
Well done for getting out. You're well rid

You're addicted to him love - like, proper addiction. When I left my NARC H I went through withdrawals not unlike coming off a drug , and I didn't even want to be with him.

He's left you to stew so he can debase you further when he finally appears to find you gagging and desperate for him, the abuse will get much worse - MUCH worse (as if it isn't bad enough already).

If you can't do it for you, do it for your kids. I'm sorry to be blunt but if SS get wind you're addicted to a NARC they'd be majorly on your back. Narcs get you addicted BTW, it's what they do and are masters at it, so don't feel stupid, you're not the first or the last.

You say you've never been alone and that you'd rather be dead than be alone - what's going on there? Something's not right if that's how you feel. He picked you bcs you are precisely the type it is easy to abuse.

Ime the withdrawals faded after a few weeks, but it was heavy going until then. Call women's aid, do the Freedom Programme asap. WA 0808 2000 247, lines busy during the day, better to call at night, 7pm-7am. They will support you, have seen it all before and know it is the addiction that pulls women back again and again to abusers.

Do it for your kids OP xx

WA is confidential, not linked to SS. You're talking about wanting to be dead yet you think it's too low to talk to Samaritans? Get real lovely, you've got it bad. You and many, many others BTW, irrespective of social standing. He may deny he is a NARC but don't you be denying you have a problem xx

Thanks for the posts

Springydaffs-Yes you speak a lot of sense and you are right it is like being weaned off a drug .Thats exactly how it feels .

Ive kept busy with friends this weeknend and its helped but i have to learn to be by myself.

And you are right i believe he did target me .
I am a sensitive kind caring perosn with a big heart .

Person

And your boundaries have been invaded before. There is always a history of abuse, therefore damage, somewhere in our formative years. This is what abusers spot a mile off (you were in an abusive relationship before, too). Abusers can't believe their luck. But as with any addict, they have to push it to greater heights to get their fix = why he is training you to accept more and more abuse by withdrawing from you so you are gagging for him and will put up with anything when he reappears.

Lovely, don't be there when he reappears! It's not him you're addicted to, it's what he does - he instinctively knows how to press all your damage buttons (that's how sick he is).

He is fake btw. People who do this aren't real. Did he charm you at the start? So wonderful and perfect you fell head over heels. OR so mysterious you got hooked in to finding out what he was about (nothing. Behind all that mystery is a blank space). They know how to mood themselves to us so all our defences disappear. They are very frightening people.

RUN! Hold on and get the withdrawals over with, get some counselling big time to work on the childhood damage that made you a target for abusers, do the Freedom Programme, call Women's Aid, go to support groups for victims of abusers (it's called domestic abuse)...

That'll keep you busy :) Xx

Mood = mold

Or mould lol! (not that it's laughing matter..)