Utterly devastated and i feel so alone and stupid (long)

[Rewy]

I realised at the weekend that my boyfriend is a Narcissist and has been emotionally abusing me for the last 26 months. He is text book Narc, been googling it and he has absolutely classic traits.
I feel so stupid that i didnt see through it before.
Feel like im dying i miss him so much , im infatuated with him,its like he has cast a spell over me. Ive never been so into a man before ( not that ive been with many)
I met him a few months after the breakup of my last long term 22 year relationship (which was also emotionally abusive)My ex was a passive agressive compulsive liar who slept around behind my back and finacially abused me and reduced me to a wreck.
When i first met my boyfriend he was so charming ,so handsome ,so kind and flattering. Always offering to help me out with money or practical things . Boosting my confidence,made me feel like a princess. The sex was amazing very thrilling ,risky and varied . He was the experienced older man with past of many partners.
I thought it was odd when he offered to buy a house with me a few months into the relationship (i refused of course)but he was always pushing or leaning on me to let him move in .He declared his love for me very early on. One day out of the blue(8 weeks in) he text me and said we need to talk. I knew what that meant and called him in a panic .He said he thought that i was only meeting him for sex and he didnt want that he wanted a family and could he meet mine blah blah.So i was pushed into that in fear of losing him.
I was already insecure and untrusting because of my ex and then he dropped that bombshell on me .
All was amazing until i brought a house ,the rows started. It was always my fault he would go into a blind rage shouting and insulting me he was the wronged person etc etc . In fear it would always be me trying to calm him say sorry as i would be convinced it was something i must of done. Then i would always get the silent treatment for days on end no calls texts nothing just ignoring me. Then out the blue i would get a nice text and it would be ok again.
Everything was my fault
I tried harder, tried to be better ,understand him and all the while feeling more insecure. He would look at other women when i was with him (i told him i knew and hated it) he said it was a habit .He continued to do it eventually slipping back to the habit.
Lately sex has always been on his terms (always too tired if i wanted it) but ok if he wanted it.Started calling me a nymph ,said all i wanted was sex . He started saying he couldnt have oral sex with me because he had ulcers at back of his throat (with holding pleasure from me) Would only have sex how he wanted to etc.
Many examples of him withholding sex from me.
One incident after yet another row , we started foreplay and i stopped to remove my necklace so it didnt get in the way.This annoyed him and he shouted at me angrily to hurry the fuck up .The sex was angry and not pleasurable for me.
Everything was my fault ,he was too hot ,too cold. My house wasnt right etc. I couldnt get food right and tea only tasted nice if i made it in his special cup.
Saturday night i wanted to hold his hand and talk about a previous row last weekend (just because we hadnt done so because he ignored me ) He went mad shouting calling me a horrible fucking thing . He was getting madder and threatening to go (as always)with me trying to stop him.I started talking about how he makes me feel ,looking at women and then he said hes always done it and its habit ,nothing wrong with it and always done it .I said i hate him always mentioning his many exes then he said he couldnt help the fact hes had loads of women and gets offers all the time. I mentioned his ex wife (the only one he married) he went mad and said "she wasnt much to look at" (ive seen a picture of her on facebook) It was like a slap in the face .I asked why he had married her then and he said he was pushed into it and he didnt even fancy her when he met her. She was a good cook though and had a nice house and didnt push his buttons like i do. She ended the marrige and he told me (when i met him)that the last few "ogres" had also dumped him .I referred to this during the row and he said he never said that he fucked them off. Said his ex of 8 years was a psycho etc and i said maybe he made like that he must have a personality disorder and needs help .He said yes probably but he then mocked me about the counselling i have and said "what like you ?"
He walked out and i havent heard from him since.
God im sorry to waffle on my heads mashed im writing everything down to remind me how abusive he has been to me .Im so embarrassed and lonely . I dont want it to just be me and the dc (not his)
Ive never been alone and i dont want to be
Despite his treatment of me i still dont want anyone else to have him
I dont know where to start

OP Im sorry you are feeling so very bad but please think of your children. You are their Mum and they love you unconditionally. You are all they have. They are more important than this man whom you don't really know. If you were to do something to harm yourself it is your kids that will spend the rest of their lives feeling not good enough and full of guilt. Do you want that for them, Im sure you don't.

There is so much good advice for you on this thread. Use it! Why would you not use it. Isnt that why you posted? To get help. Well lots of people on here have suggested brilliant ideas. Could you list down them and then pin them where you can see them and when you feel a wave of panic come over you go and look and your list and do something off it. Going to your GP and getting antidepressants will make a big difference to how you are feeling. Combine that with therapy (the GP) can help with that too if you are honest and tell him that you feel suicidal.

OP you have done REALLY well. You have recognised that his behaviour is bad and wrong - a massive step forwards. You have taken steps to stop seeing him - well done. You are acknowledging your pain and the cause of it. YOU have done all this.

You now just have to survive the next few weeks. Get the food in, and don't think too hard about anything. Your brain has been fried by this man. Fortunately, this is only a temporary problem. You will find yourself again. You will make much better decisions in a few weeks, so put any big decisions off about him or anything else until August at the earliest - later if you can.

As time goes on you will realise that you are stronger than you think, more of a survivor than you knew, and you are worth being respected and loved.

Thanks for the replies

I wont take antidepressents ,they dont work for me.Tried them all over the years ,really dont believe in them. My problem isnt chemical its caused by this.

Ive some amazing friends who have kept me and dc busy all weekend. Still hurting unbelievably and each day seems worse as the reality of it sets in .
Everything reminds me of him ,everything.
Ive never loved anyone as much
Its like a death
Keep questioning myself ,did i try hard enough? is it me? did i provoke him?

Without meaning to sound patronising, I don't know that you did really 'love' him. You didn't really know him. What you loved was how he made you feel about yourself when he was all sparkly. But it's not real, it's an illusion. He's not a good person. He's nowhere near worthy of your love.

You will feel good and happy again. But it shouldn't come from what some man reflects back, but from within your own self.

I think you said you are in counselling already, great keep it up. Use it to explore your emotions. As far as ADs go, I agree with you I don't think they are always appropriate for these situations. You need to feel the pain and work through it to heal. And you will. And you will look back on this man and shudder with horror.

I'm so glad your friends have been there for you this weekend.
Of course it's like death.
That's exactly what it is.
And you now to go through the whole grieving process.
Hopefully the anger will hit soon though.
What he did and put you through, no-one deserves.
Not matter how hard you had tried it would not have been enough - ever. If a man truly loved you, you wouldn't have to 'try'. It would just work and you would both love and respect each other. He is not capable of either.
Of course it's NOT YOU! Read back our posts. It is all HIM and HIS problem. An abuser is an abuser and that's it. Nothing you can do can fix or cure him!
No you did not provoke him. He will treat every single woman he is with in the same way.

Be very glad and very grateful that you are now out and away from this creature!
Find the anger. Keep strong and keep going.
One day at a time!

I actually agree and even when depressed I didn't use antidepressants BUT the op was talking about wanting to die and she has two children who need her. She has only known this man 22 months and has invested too much already. She has written several threads on this man.

The thing i keep mulling over is that fact that ive heard nothing from him (dont think i want to ) but there has been no definate break up . I play it round and round in my head.

Also i cant get over the fact that there is no consequences for him. He doesnt suffer ,doesnt spend even a day crying over me. I will never get over that the fact he must never have loved me( narcs not capable)
How is that fair?

So take control. If he does contact you then that is your opportunity to break up with him. What a powerful feeling that would be, even if it initially hurts you. He probably will contact you after a period of time so plan how you are going to sever ties and write it down and keep it by the phone so you are prepared. How are your children with all this going on?

Fair or not, you are better off without this vampire. He sounds utterly awful.

Dc havent mentioned anything yet but i know they might because they are used to him being here weekends. I realise they arent stupid and will have noticed me moping /crying etc.

Im sat crying again
Theres no end to this

Its not easy Rewy but its very early days and you will cry and then you will cry some more. It takes time, weeks to start to see a bit of a break in the clouds.

Thanks for posting
It helps to know i can come here

Anyway, crying helps. You usually feel a little better after you have had a good cry. I know you want him to phone and tell you he wants to come back etc but you have already worked out with your sensible head on that he is not a good guy.

I know
I have never met a man i was so attracted to ,noone will ever compare. Thats whats so hard .

O someone will definitely come along and wont compare, he will be better in every single way and you will wonder what you saw in this bloke. Part of his attraction is his bad side. Do you usually go for bad ones? If you do then I wonder if the problem is the men you choose and why? That is what you need to work on.

I have only had a few relationships im not experienced.
But look how they turned out .

Then can you try and focus on working on you to break the pattern. Have a look on amazon and see what books there are on why you choose bad men. It will keep you occupied too. I don't mean that you are responsible for the way they are just that you seem to like a particular type.

I miss him more each day
I know what i miss wasnt real but i still miss it. The company the cuddles ,hand holding and yes the sex .
I am constantly thinking about what he might be doing .
Who he is with etc

Perfectly normal. Jealousy is a strong emotion.

It's hard . Your doing well to have not contacted him.

Thanks.
It just feels like there is no closure.

You need to make your own closure. It's so hard to have to do this whilst feeling that it's not really what you want. You must keep on keeping on, do some things that you like doing, at least one thing every day.
You are strong and you can get through this, you will get out the other side.