Utterly devastated and i feel so alone and stupid (long)

[Rewy]

I realised at the weekend that my boyfriend is a Narcissist and has been emotionally abusing me for the last 26 months. He is text book Narc, been googling it and he has absolutely classic traits.
I feel so stupid that i didnt see through it before.
Feel like im dying i miss him so much , im infatuated with him,its like he has cast a spell over me. Ive never been so into a man before ( not that ive been with many)
I met him a few months after the breakup of my last long term 22 year relationship (which was also emotionally abusive)My ex was a passive agressive compulsive liar who slept around behind my back and finacially abused me and reduced me to a wreck.
When i first met my boyfriend he was so charming ,so handsome ,so kind and flattering. Always offering to help me out with money or practical things . Boosting my confidence,made me feel like a princess. The sex was amazing very thrilling ,risky and varied . He was the experienced older man with past of many partners.
I thought it was odd when he offered to buy a house with me a few months into the relationship (i refused of course)but he was always pushing or leaning on me to let him move in .He declared his love for me very early on. One day out of the blue(8 weeks in) he text me and said we need to talk. I knew what that meant and called him in a panic .He said he thought that i was only meeting him for sex and he didnt want that he wanted a family and could he meet mine blah blah.So i was pushed into that in fear of losing him.
I was already insecure and untrusting because of my ex and then he dropped that bombshell on me .
All was amazing until i brought a house ,the rows started. It was always my fault he would go into a blind rage shouting and insulting me he was the wronged person etc etc . In fear it would always be me trying to calm him say sorry as i would be convinced it was something i must of done. Then i would always get the silent treatment for days on end no calls texts nothing just ignoring me. Then out the blue i would get a nice text and it would be ok again.
Everything was my fault
I tried harder, tried to be better ,understand him and all the while feeling more insecure. He would look at other women when i was with him (i told him i knew and hated it) he said it was a habit .He continued to do it eventually slipping back to the habit.
Lately sex has always been on his terms (always too tired if i wanted it) but ok if he wanted it.Started calling me a nymph ,said all i wanted was sex . He started saying he couldnt have oral sex with me because he had ulcers at back of his throat (with holding pleasure from me) Would only have sex how he wanted to etc.
Many examples of him withholding sex from me.
One incident after yet another row , we started foreplay and i stopped to remove my necklace so it didnt get in the way.This annoyed him and he shouted at me angrily to hurry the fuck up .The sex was angry and not pleasurable for me.
Everything was my fault ,he was too hot ,too cold. My house wasnt right etc. I couldnt get food right and tea only tasted nice if i made it in his special cup.
Saturday night i wanted to hold his hand and talk about a previous row last weekend (just because we hadnt done so because he ignored me ) He went mad shouting calling me a horrible fucking thing . He was getting madder and threatening to go (as always)with me trying to stop him.I started talking about how he makes me feel ,looking at women and then he said hes always done it and its habit ,nothing wrong with it and always done it .I said i hate him always mentioning his many exes then he said he couldnt help the fact hes had loads of women and gets offers all the time. I mentioned his ex wife (the only one he married) he went mad and said "she wasnt much to look at" (ive seen a picture of her on facebook) It was like a slap in the face .I asked why he had married her then and he said he was pushed into it and he didnt even fancy her when he met her. She was a good cook though and had a nice house and didnt push his buttons like i do. She ended the marrige and he told me (when i met him)that the last few "ogres" had also dumped him .I referred to this during the row and he said he never said that he fucked them off. Said his ex of 8 years was a psycho etc and i said maybe he made like that he must have a personality disorder and needs help .He said yes probably but he then mocked me about the counselling i have and said "what like you ?"
He walked out and i havent heard from him since.
God im sorry to waffle on my heads mashed im writing everything down to remind me how abusive he has been to me .Im so embarrassed and lonely . I dont want it to just be me and the dc (not his)
Ive never been alone and i dont want to be
Despite his treatment of me i still dont want anyone else to have him
I dont know where to start

I just want to die
I cant live with the pain
I cant eat or sleep and its only gonna get worse

Call Samaritans
Go to your GP
speak to a friend
You're way too desperately miserable here, you need to take action. Distract yourself. See someone. Do you have kids?

yes 2 dc
Why would someone do that to someone they knew had already been through hell?
I cant get my head around it

Rewy you have had some very good advice on this thread. Now it is time to listen to that advice.

It happens to so many of us. You've nothing to feel stupid about. These are highly skilled manipulators. Every fibre in their being goes into their campaign. It's difficult to fight that. You're obviously a loving, trusting and empathetic person. Sadly these arses exploit that. Your relationship history suggests you're a bit vulnerable and that's what he will have sought.

I've been where you are. Didn't sleep, didn't eat. Felt like a poison was running through me such was my withdrawal.

I'm a year on. Life is GOOD. Better than it was with him casting a grey cloud over my life, cheating, financially abusing, stalking etc. honestly I fell for the lot. I have an alphabet of qualifications and a responsible job. I couldn't believe it could happen to me. Probably why I didn't see it.

Good luck

You are going to have to ride with the emotions i am afraid, just stay away from him, delete/block all his contact details!!!

Cry, mope, talk it over, see your GP about this too....

You might need anti depressants ....

You need to see a therapist, in my opinion, stop feeling ashamed, you are feeling weak but your sharing your pain here with us tells me you are on the road to emotional freedom from this daft, evil man x

It may sound hollow now but things will get better. Honestly. Please, speak to your gp - and keep posting here.

Thanks for the replies
Theres no point going to GP they can do nothing to help me
I went shopping today as nearly out of everything and when i got home there was a letter from the highways telling me theres going to be 2 weeks of 24 hr roadworks outside . Last staw.
I have stood and screamed and screamed and screamed til i was sick its unbearable.
Feel like i have nothing left

Of course the GP can help you.
Book an appointment and tell your GP how you are feeling.
How you scream until you are sick.
You could be suffering from depression (not surprisingly after your description of your horribly abusive relationship with this vile person).
They have medication that can help.
It's an inbalance and your brain and cannot just sort itself out.
You need help.
Reach out and get it.
Please get some real life support in place.
Get your family and friends to rally round. They will want to help.
Keep strong and keep this abusive man away from your DC and yourself.
They certainly do NOT deserve this total arse wipe as a male role model.

Hi op

I know you're hurting but please don't go back to this man. I am worried what it will do to your children now and in the future if the grow up seeing you in an abusive relationship. The fact his own children do not see him is a massive flag.

Do you want your children to seek out partners like him when they are older? That could happen. Or they could develop some of his character traits. The relationships at home go along way to influencing who we become when we are adults. The scars from a relationship like this can run deep. He hurts you time and time again with his behaviour yet you still go back for more because I suppose on some level your hooked.

He is never going to get help, his treatment of you will get worse and worse. You have had such a lucky escape. I know he's nice some of the time but aren't we all? Normal folk are nice alot of the time and certainly don't emotionally torture each other in the way he does you.

He needs help, you won't be able to give it to him. His moods seem unstable and I wonder if he is enjoying the fact that when he stays away it hurts you and he relishes the chance to contact you because he knows you will welcome him with open arms.

This will never end well. If you can't put yourself first. Do it for your kids. And the dr would be good. A short course of pills would help numb the pain (if it so bad that it requires them)

Good luck with it all

OP I promise you this pain you're feeling will fade. I promise. Please, please don't go back to him he sounds deeply disturbing.

Look at it like this. If you go back to him, you'll get to the point where you need to leave again (because you know this abusive him is the real him, don't you?). And then you'll have to go through this pain aaaaall over again. And this time you'll be a bit less reliant, you'll be a bit more financially worse off, and your dcs will have seen more things that you regret.

It's a hideous place to be - I know, I've been there myself. But you can put yourself through it once, get through it, and be free. Or you can put yourself through it multiple times.

The only way out is through, honestly OP. Like labour - they can't shove the baby back in for a bit so you can get a break.

• resilient, not reliant.

But who will ever want me ?
I feel like im going to be alone forever.I would rather be dead to be honest.
I hate him so much
I already had trust issues and there is no way i will get over this and be able to trust again.
He walks away with no consequence whatsoever to him and just moves on to his next supply.
How is that right?

Im itching all over have been for days
I just want to run away
My dc deserve better than me
Unfortunately their 'dad' doesnt want to know them and is busy raising his sluts kid so it seems i am trapped

Rewy, please love, you need to ring Samaritans. you are in dire straits, i can feel the pain emanating from your posts.

08457 90 90 90

just ring them. it will help.

I cant i wont speak to them
What a saddo i am to only have that as an option
Im sorry people have been so helpful on here
I just cant cope with the pain , im so stupid

i have rung them before! i promise you it is not sad to talk to them! we are all human beings, we need to reach out to each other.

your children need you. i know it's unfair that you don't have help, but they need you so much.

if you go to the gp or even a&e you will at least be given something for the pain, until the really hard part passes and you can start to move on.

yes, you may not be in another relationship; that is always a possibility. but that is not worth ending your life over. especially when you think of your dc and how much they need you to carry on, for them if not for yourself.

it's not stupid to suffer. every one of us has suffered and most of us have had to ask for help. that is part of being human. it's not a sign that there is something wrong with you. in fact it's a sign that there is something right with you. only very disturbed people never need help.

I am stupid because i allowed myself to be decieved again
Why am i itching ? is it stress ?

i really don't know about the itching. all sorts of funny things can happen physically when you're in great emotional distress. i do think you should talk to a doctor though. it could be that you are ill but so upset that you are missing other symptoms.

to trust someone else is normal and human. you are not stupid because someone deceived you. THEY are deceptive, and you are a normal person who just wants to be loved (like all of us do.)

Rewy, you will get through this. This asshole has pulled a real number on you. You need time to rebuild, re group and be happy in your own skin.

You are not alone, I'm going through this myself at the moment. I'm single again after being in an abusive relationship for 6 years. It takes time and patience. Just put one foot in front of the other. Take one day at a time and one you'll wake up and things will be turning around. The good days will outnumber the bad.

'Who will want me'?
Someone just like this piece of shit unless you do some work on yourself and find out why you will accept so little in a partner.

Textbook narc. I went out with one. Thank god he was rude to my children. If he hadn't been god knows how long I would have put up with his crap.
in fact all his behaviours were exactly as you had described. My self esteem was in the gutter.
He hates women. He despises you. Every time you go back he smiles inwardly at his 'power' and despises you even more. Does this help? Harsh maybe but it won't get any better.

You didn't ALLOW yourself to be deceived.
You were deceived. And manipulated by an expert in his field.
This is NOT your fault.
Your kids love and need you.
You will get through this.
Get some help and support from where ever you can.

The Samaritans are there for exactly people like you in these kinds of situations.
They don't judge, they don't tell you what to do, they just listen. And it helps.

And you do need to see your doctor. You need help. Might be medication for a short while to get your brain straight.

Please stop worrying about the future and whether anyone will want you again. Take it an hour at a time, get yourself well, like yourself again and then let the future unfold.

But get all the help you can now.