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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong.....

87 replies

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 15:41

Hi guys
Just your thoughts needed please..my partners dad is having an 80 th lunch on Saturday, we are going obviously but my partner says my 15 year old daughter must attend with us, she is fine with that but has a birthday party that eve and wants to be home for 6ish, the 80th party starts at 12 so I don't think she is being unreasonable. Now I have said that for us to be back by 6 then we will have to leave around 5, but if my partner wishes to stay longer then I am happy to take my own car and bring said daughter home in time for her evening party. He has stomped off saying ffs and now will not speak to me. My question is do you think that I am being unreasonable in returning home at 5, bearing in mind I am trying to please everyone. Thanx guys

OP posts:

CatKisser · 29/06/2014 15:43

He's being a dick. Sounds like you've made a perfectly reasonable compromise. Ask him what his problem is.

drinkyourmilk · 29/06/2014 15:48

I think it depends on how long you and your partner have been together and what the relationship between your partner and your dd is like.
If he is step dad then I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect her to make the occasional sacrifice for family time.
If he is very much a boyfriend then he is being unreasonable in his expectations.

What is unreasonable is the way he is sulking. I expect my partner to have an adult discussion with me and come to an agreement.

Thumbwitch · 29/06/2014 15:50

Weird. You are being completely reasonable and you partner is being a sulky brat. Why does it matter if you leave at 5? You're not trying to drag him away, your DD isn't related to his Dad (is she?) - unless of course the problem is that he wants to drink himself into a stupor and won't be able to if he has to drive himself home?

OwlCapone · 29/06/2014 15:52

He wants to have a few drinks and was expecting you to drive him home.

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 15:52

Thank you catkisser, daughter does not want to go, but knows it's the right thing to do, so I kinda wanna keep everyone happy.

Drinkyourmilk. Been together for 5 years n it's her stepdad, def no adult conversation won't speak to me for at least 24 hours unless I give in and say we will go in his car with him.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 29/06/2014 15:54

Really? He sounds like an immature knob. Don't give in - why should he dictate over this? You have come up with a perfectly reasonable compromise.

How far away is this party?

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 15:55

No they not related and it's not anything to do with drinking as he will drive home, just has this massive issue with being seen to do the correct family thing, I cannot imagine the lunch lasting 5 hours to be honest, he just being a knob about it.....

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 15:56

Thumb witch. It's only an hours drive.. But I know daughter so wants to do lovely hair and makeup and not rush and I don't blame her

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 29/06/2014 15:56

Does he have other control issues? Does he want to be seen as the Man of the family, whereby you all do what he wants and his Dad knows that he's The Boss of you two?

Thumbwitch · 29/06/2014 15:57

OK, we keep crossposting but never mind - is he concerned about money, about double petrol costs? I don't think so for a second, I think he's still a dick...

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 15:58

Thumb witch. Def likes to control, but I just don't let him, he just looks like a dick infront of anyone we know coz they all know what he's like, his dad will not mind if I leave he is an absolute sweetheart and totally understands that the kids want to do their own thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 15:59

No no money issues at all. Company pays all fuel costs including mine so no prob. Just I guess sulking like a kid coz I am my own person.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 29/06/2014 16:00

Yeah, he's definitely being a dick then.

If he wants to keep up the silent treatment, just let him. Carry on your normal life around him - they say the best way to deal with toddler tantrums/bad behaviour is to ignore, don't they?
Then when it comes to Saturday, get in your car with your DD and drive to his Dad's - he can do what he likes (although hopefully he'll have sorted himself out by then and pulled his head out of his arse...)

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 16:04

Thank u thumbwitch, just wanted to know I wasn't being totally unreasonable. He will get over it and yes I just ignore his shitty moods until he gets out of them. Soooo used to it, but sometimes wonder if it's me that's being unreasonable.

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 29/06/2014 16:05

Nothing annoys someone giving you the silent treatment more than you not noticing it and not reacting at all. Big (fake) smile, walk around like there's no problem, you'll take 2 cars, you'll drive your DD back at 5 if the lunch hasn't finished before then.

Quite frankly, if it's in a restaurant, they're unlikely to be happy with you still taking up the table at 5pm if it was a 12noon booking! If it's at someone's house, at 5pm they'll be glad you leaving because most people would start thinking they had to provide a second meal at that point...

RedRoom · 29/06/2014 16:18

It sounds like he thinks his needs and wants are the only important ones. Blanking you for 24 hours because he isn't getting his own way is the behaviour of a spoiled brat.

He needs to try seeing this from your daughter's point of view: she is expected to spend from 11-6 (including the hour's travel each way) at her stepdad's dad's birthday lunch, and then her stepdad is also trying to make sure that she misses out on her evening plans, as well as not speaking to her mum for standing up to him. Seven hours is more than enough time for her to commit to celebrating the birthday of someone that she isn't actually a close relative of.

He is behaving very selfishly!

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 16:23

Marywestmacott. Yes It has taken me a long time to work out how best to deal with it and now I just carry on as normal and it doesn't last 4-5 days mayb just one haha. The thing is I did ask him wot time we wod be home by and he said 6 then when I told daughter he keep saying well I dunno, it's my dads b.day and I mite want to stay so I said oh that's fine, I could take my car.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 29/06/2014 16:25

Sounds like he's just being a dick for the sake of it to ruin your DD's party plans then!
Do they normally get on ok?

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 16:27

Thank you redroom, my thoughts exactly but def needed to hear that I am not being the selfish one here. Daughter is sooo giving as she really doesn't want to spend the day with older people haha. My problem is that if she thinks she won't get home in time for the party she will say I will stay at dads Friday night and not come at all. Which I really don't want to happen as it will cause massive problems for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 16:28

Thumbwitch. They get on ok, but just ok, she doesn't like the fact that he sulks. I can't say I blame her.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/06/2014 16:29

Presumably the weekend is her weekend too and she is fully entitled to want to go to a party that she has been invited to.

And you are her parent and perfectly entitled to leave to take her.

Thumbwitch · 29/06/2014 16:29

No indeed! Who could.

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 16:35

Thank you sooo much everyone feel much better, now I know that most people think similar thoughts to me, he is always saying that there is something wrong with me and the way I think, now I know it's not me.

OP posts:

clam · 29/06/2014 21:04

Hmm, I can't help thinking that you have a bigger problem than your dd's party next week.

"he is always saying that there is something wrong with me and the way I think"

Cabrinha · 29/06/2014 21:22

Why are you with him?

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