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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong.....

87 replies

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 15:41

Hi guys
Just your thoughts needed please..my partners dad is having an 80 th lunch on Saturday, we are going obviously but my partner says my 15 year old daughter must attend with us, she is fine with that but has a birthday party that eve and wants to be home for 6ish, the 80th party starts at 12 so I don't think she is being unreasonable. Now I have said that for us to be back by 6 then we will have to leave around 5, but if my partner wishes to stay longer then I am happy to take my own car and bring said daughter home in time for her evening party. He has stomped off saying ffs and now will not speak to me. My question is do you think that I am being unreasonable in returning home at 5, bearing in mind I am trying to please everyone. Thanx guys

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 29/06/2014 21:24

Seriously - her not going would cause "massive problems" for you?
Are you actually happy with this man?

hamptoncourt · 29/06/2014 21:31

Is this the tip of an iceberg happy?

ThePinkOcelot · 29/06/2014 21:36

He sounds like a wanker! He is acting like a kid. Your dd sounds more mature.

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 22:36

Cabrinha.. Yes he would sulk for days if she doesn't come, and it would all be my fault...tho I am just trying to keep everyone happy. I am beginning to wonder what the hell I am doing with him, when every time I don't do exactly what he wants he refuses to speak to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 22:38

Def the tip of the iceberg.....I seem to spend my life doing things to keep the peace, he is still not speaking to me except yes or no if I ask him something.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 29/06/2014 22:45

Well, as ignoring the sulking seems to work moderately well, keep on doing that but do a little quiet research into the practicalities of getting rid of this man. There comes a point when a man who is determined to be in control gets much nastier if his previous methods stop working. It's also likely to get trickier now your DD is a teenager - a bully who dislikes women, which is what your partner is, can get a lot worse when a DD is old enough to have plans of her own.

Coughle · 29/06/2014 22:49

Why is it your job to keep everyone happy?

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 22:51

Solid...he will never be able to control daughter as she is very much in control of where she wants to be/go and is not afraid to let anyone know...I just think he wants to be in control and make all the decisions kinda like men in the 1920's....for example he has on occasions said 'why do u not greet me at the door when I get in from work' I think he is stuck in a time warp and prob doesn't help that I laugh at him when he behaves like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 22:54

Coughie. Not sure why I feel the need to keep everyone happy tbh. I just sorta get stuck in the middle n try to see it from all angles.

OP posts:

clam · 29/06/2014 23:04

Well, he sounds like an arse to me, so I'm not sure I'd waste much of my time trying to see things from his angle.

Thumbwitch · 30/06/2014 00:38

Might be a good time to work out the pros and cons of this relationship and decide whether or not it's worth it - having to put up with these sulks and making sure you are the one who keeps the peace, does it all the way he wants it etc. is very wearing - might be time to reconsider?

clam · 30/06/2014 07:48

I wonder what your dd really thinks of him. And I wonder how many households there are where adults are determined to continue relationships with people their children don't get on with.

kaykayblue · 30/06/2014 08:36

If it was just the party thing, then I could understand your partner's point of view.

It's his father's 80th birthday for christ sake. That's a huge deal. None of my grandparents made it that far. He probably doesn't want people to be treating it like some kind of stepping stone to other things they want to do. Your daughter should really be spending the day with her grandfather and family, until it finishes. After that, she can go on to her party. Otherwise both you and her will be sitting there checking your watches and not actually relaxing properly.

The other stuff about him getting angry at you at things your daughter does, or not meeting him at the door (does he have problems opening doors unassisted...?!) and telling you that you're always wrong...

That just makes him sound like a prick.

clam · 30/06/2014 09:10

Well, you might think that this is splitting hairs, but its not "her" grandfather. It's her mother's partner's father. The OP said 'stepfather' earlier, but I thought that would be the term if they were married, which I'm presuming they're not, as she used the term 'partner.'

I should imagine there are many teenagers who might refuse point blank to go at all. At least this one is willing to go, and for five hours, which is plenty enough.

tiredandsadmum · 30/06/2014 09:46

I do agree with other posters he does sound like he is being quite unreasonable. What do HIS family do about this? (My ex used to do this and his family enabled so I ended up always looking unreasonable).

I did have a slightly sneaky idea though. An 80th celebration is a lovely thing, no matter whose it is. Could you and you DD later this week sort out an 80th balloon, card, memorable year DVDs, decorated cupcakes etc (and treat dd to a few new bits for her party). So at least it shows DP and his family that you are celebrating with them. So when you need to leave early the whole family know that you have already been involved and it is not a snub or any such thing.

I did this years ago with an elderly aunt of ex and her bil (no relation to us at all) who were celebrating their 80th and 90th. It went down very well.

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 09:47

Kaykayblue. It is not her grandfather, she has only known him for five years, I think maybe only people who have an understanding if teenagers will get how diff it is to balance things.

Clam. Yes I'm sure there are many teenagers who would say no thanx to a party where there are no other teens or any of her own family members.

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Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 09:51

Tiredandsadmum..he doesn't do it infront of his family, they all think he is great happy guy.. His parents will have no problem with me and dd leaving they are lovely people, I don't even think the party will last til 5. It is booked as a lunch at 12, in a restaurant so I would imagine they will be thinking everyone will be long gone by then.

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MrsMargoLeadbetter · 30/06/2014 09:55

I think 12 - 5 for a lunch is reasonable. Surely if it gets much later then it will drift into dinner.

I think your suggestion is a fair compromise for everyone.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/06/2014 10:10

So many red flags with this guy.

always saying that there is something wrong with me
Why? Is he always trying to belittle you and put you down.

wrong with me and the way I think
So you're not allowed your own thoughts? Good grief. They are yours and yours alone. He can't dictate what you THINK! FFS.

won't speak to me for at least 24 hours
This is called 'stonewalling' please look it up.

He is controlling and seems like a total misogynist.
You are a people pleaser. Walking on eggshells all the time trying to keep things running smoothly.

Blimey. It sounds exhausting.
What do YOU get out of this relationship?

I would be saying to him now, 'if you keep this up, DD is going to her dads Friday and won't be having anything to do with the party. Up to YOU now what you do and how you react'
And see what he says and does.

He sounds like a knob-head though and you seem lovely so I can't quite imagine why you are with him.
I'm sure you can do a hell of a lot better.

Do you share ownership of the house?
Is it both your names?
Do you rent?

Anniegetyourgun · 30/06/2014 10:14

he doesn't do it infront of his family, they all think he is great happy guy

So he's a hypocrite as well as a bully.

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 11:12

Yes we share ownership of house, kinda wish we didn't as it would be soo much easier to leave. I also work for him so the situation is a nitemare, he has told me to go home this morning as he is still very angry and has said it will be embarrassing if I leave the party at 5. ( which I can see to a degree). I have said it is no more embarrassing than having my grown up sons for dinner and him completely ignoring me infront of them ??

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Mabelface · 30/06/2014 11:20

He sounds utterly exhausting. I'd start looking for another job asap and then look at ways to split. It's not impossible, and I think you'd be doing you and your daughter a massive service. Imagine how lovely it'll be not having to tiptoe around him?

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 11:22

Madlizzie. You are so right, he was out all day Saturday and it was bliss just to be me, shopping, watching wot I wanted on tv and not having to worry about anyone else.

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DuchessFanny · 30/06/2014 11:23

lizzy I was about to post the same thing !
It must be so draining keeping the peace constantly and I still don't see what YOU get out of this relationship ?

Why does he ignore you in front of your sons ? Have they ever mentioned it ? Do your DC all toe the line to keep the peace too ? I worry your DD is learning to put up with shitty behaviour for a quiet life ...

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 11:30

Duchess. When he's nice he is really nice, but when he horrible it's the pits..I guess I have just thought he wod change when we were settled, was very difficult sit when we first got together..yes they have all mentioned it and they just ignore his behaviour and him at times, they come to see me not him, so they don't care whether he happy or not. They all know it is an extremely bad way to behave and none of them behaves that way at all. He does have a grown up son who visits every 2/3weeks for hour or so although he only lives 10/15mins away, always thought it was strange but maybe his son knows him better than I do.

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