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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong.....

87 replies

HappyLelly1 · 29/06/2014 15:41

Hi guys
Just your thoughts needed please..my partners dad is having an 80 th lunch on Saturday, we are going obviously but my partner says my 15 year old daughter must attend with us, she is fine with that but has a birthday party that eve and wants to be home for 6ish, the 80th party starts at 12 so I don't think she is being unreasonable. Now I have said that for us to be back by 6 then we will have to leave around 5, but if my partner wishes to stay longer then I am happy to take my own car and bring said daughter home in time for her evening party. He has stomped off saying ffs and now will not speak to me. My question is do you think that I am being unreasonable in returning home at 5, bearing in mind I am trying to please everyone. Thanx guys

OP posts:

clam · 30/06/2014 12:37

If you've been there for 5 hours, it would be perfectly fine to make your apologies and say that you have to drop your dd home as she has plans for the evening.
What IS embarrassing is his sulky behaviour.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/06/2014 13:00

OK, you've a much bigger problem than the birthday party. Your partner is a woman-hating abuser and you really, really need to get rid.
Firstly, you need to understand that the horrible person is the Real Him. THe nice guy doesn't exist, its just a mask he wears.

Secondly, once you've got rid of him, you might find some sort of counselling, like the Freedom Programme, helpful. Have you had a previous abusive relationship? Men like your current DP have an instinct for vulnerabble women they can control.

Mabelface · 30/06/2014 13:28

He has to be nice sometimes, just so he can tell you how unreasonable you are when you don't want to put up with the bad behaviour.

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 13:53

Madlizzy. You are soo right he has spent all morning telling me how unreasonable I am and should he phone his parents to rearrange the lunch to suit me n daughter, I cannot begin to tell you how shit he is making me feel and on top of that he has sent flooring guys to repair the kitchen floor even tho he knows my son is putting up the coving and now has to stop work for the day, when I pointed out how inconvient it is he has blamed my son for not finishing earlier. This is getting completely out of hand. Now everybody is pissed of and daughter is saying she is now not coming as he said oh just leave her behind if it's inconvient for her to attend 80th party.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 30/06/2014 13:59

I don't blame your daughter for now saying she's not coming, and I'd be inclined to agree with her after his behaviour. I'd also be making noises about sending him on his bloody own so you can pack up his stuff that he can take with him. Seriously though, stop wasting your happiness on this man, he won't change.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/06/2014 13:59

He sounds like a nightmare and you sound like you are caught in the middle. I feel really sorry for you

I think it's time to tell him that unless he stops acting like a controlling arsehole NOW, he has to leave.

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 14:24

It's is a complete over reaction on his behalf, he has said my dad is an ill man n prob won't make another b.day, he is making me feel sooo guilty, I feel sooo shit, my daughter is upset n feels awful, son lost an afternoons work, And I have been put on the biggest guilt trip ffs. Think him going alone is a great idea, but he won't leave that I do know.

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 30/06/2014 14:31

What's the home sitch? DO you co own? Co rent?

If he is making you and your DD so unhappy then surely it is time to make a plan for your future where you aren't tiptoing around this arsehole?

See a solicitor maybe? Time for you to take control back OP.

Mabelface · 30/06/2014 14:32

I think you need to get some legal advice to sort out your financial position. Now, he can only make you feel like shit if you let him - that means he's holding the control over you. Tell your daughter that she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to, and not to feel guilty, and you stop feeling guilty too, as you've done nothing wrong.

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 14:42

Madlizzy. Thank u soo much, we co own so not as easy as perhaps renting would be.. We have spoken about splitting up before as clearly there are things that we cannot agree on n this is one of them, he won't go and I can't afford to until the house is sold, we are smack bang in the middle of a ton of building work so cannot sell house til it's finish, I am stuck between a rock n a hard place....I have told daughter she doesn't have to go, but she feels terrible as she wanted to come n keep me company as I don't really know anyone apart from his parents. I am truely at a lose as to what to do next....

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 30/06/2014 14:45

I think seeing a solicitor will give you back a sense of control. It's hard to explain until you have done it!

Even if you do have to bide your time and wait, you will find it easier to manage of you have a sense of purpose and can count down the days....
Good luck. You deserve better.

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 15:04

Hampton. Thank you, I think that is prob the best next step, am still reeling from his reaction to what I thought was a perfectly reasonable compromise. This time it is a step too far.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 30/06/2014 15:27

I would suggest that what you do next is what you were going to do anyway. He drives himself in his car, you take your DD (if she can bear to come at all after all of this!) in your car, you leave at 5, if not before, as you planned and your DD goes to her party. There is no reason why you should not go and it will only make things more unbearable if you don't - but equally there is still no reason that your DD should miss her party, same as there wasn't before!

When you get home on Saturday, I would then suggest you find somewhere else to be yourself - do you have friends you could visit/go out with for the evening? Because frankly I wouldn't want to be spending any time with this bloke in a one to one situation just now, especially as he'll be even more bloody sulky that you've done exactly what you said you were going to - and I'll bet that in fact you will be able to leave before 5 because everyone else will be doing the same, so he'll have the added discomfiture of Being Wrong to live with!

I see that you are sort of tied to the house and him for a bit but do please start planning how to untangle yourselves from this - it's no good for anyone and sounds like he's just going to ramp up the petty unreasonableness from now on.

DuchessFanny · 30/06/2014 15:48

He's pushing you this far and punishing you and your DS - taking away work - because you didn't back down.

You've done nothing wrong and he is beyond unreasonable.
I'd go with lizzy and hampton with the suggestions for getting out.

You say he can be really nice, but that's not enough, is it ? Him being nice when he feels like it and when you're toeing the line ?

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 15:51

Thumbwitch. I don't think I can bare to go to be honest, he is totally being unreasonable, been txtin foul messages all day saying how selfish I am n that I never consider his feelings, so he can only conclude that he and his wishes are unimportant. He has left that sentence hanging so I will think he is tryin to say that he cannot stay in a relationship like this, ( he is absolutely hinting that) but if I say ok let's call it a day, he will then say that he never meant that n I am behaving like a bitch. I just wanted everybody to be happy I cannot believe how tits up it has all gone, can see the funny side now coz it's soooo stupid.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 15:54

Duchess. That is so true, I have known him for years n I never ever saw this side of him, tho people did warn me... Think I need to start making plans to remove myself as soon as house finished, and get on with my life without him....

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 30/06/2014 15:54

Oh no fair enough if you can't bear it, don't do it. I was just thinking that it would give you the moral high ground so he'd end up looking like the pathetic idiot he's behaving like at the moment.

But if he's sending you abusive texts then I'd phone his Dad now and apologise for missing his lunch, you would have loved to have seen him but his son is making it difficult for you to attend and then tell your P to fuck the fuck off and as soon as you can get out, you will because you've had ENOUGH.

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 16:04

I would so love to just say fuck off. But he won't go (have tried) n the atmosphere in the house will be appalling. I'm not going to go, but I do understand the moral high ground bit, have done all this crap before n ended up doing/going only to suffer for some other reason when returning home, at least this way I will be doing what I want n getting it in the ear for the rite reason, not sum made up by him reason......

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 30/06/2014 16:08

Makes sense. Looks like you have your plan! I hope that you can get away from him sooner rather than later, and I hope he doesn't take any of this out on your DD. If he ramps up the abuse any more, do consider calling WA for advice - it doesn't have to be physical abuse for them to be able to advise.

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 16:27

Thank u thumbwitch, he is being a complete arse n the txts just keep coming...unbelievable. I will try n not rise to him n just stand my ground til I can sort things properly.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 30/06/2014 18:48

Just ignore all the texts. Ignore him. Leave him a note on the kitchen table along the lines of 'Until you have got over your childish tantrum I am not interested in hearing anything you have to say.'

And do have a chat with Women's Aid. It might be possible to get him removed from the house - psychological abuse and verbal abuse are taken seriously these days.

clam · 30/06/2014 18:53

I've come to believe, after reading so many similar threads here on MN, that you need to fight dirty with men like this. Taking the moral high ground is all very well, but they either won't notice, or view it as weakness.
So, you need to tell him very clearly that, due to his ridiculous behaviour, dd no longer wishes to attend the party at all and, as things stand at the moment, neither do you. If he wants you to, he's going to have to alter his attitude pretty damn quick.

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 18:54

Thanx solid, he is home n has called me a fuckin idiot, says he is having nothing more to do with the building work, (as if)n stomped off..I will look into having him removed as that would suit me til the house is finished n sold.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyLelly1 · 30/06/2014 18:57

Clam.. I have told him daughter is not coming, he has completely ignored that n been on about the fucked up building work today, which according to him is my fault as I am a fuckin idiot, nothing to do with him sending flooring guys in 3 hours early of course.. And I'm the idiot!!!!

OP posts:

clam · 30/06/2014 18:59

Now is probably the time to turn it back on him (as he's been trying to do to you all day) and ask if he really thinks that stropping like this is mature or attractive in any way. Re-iterate that you have been trying to find a compromise all along and stick to that.

Or just ignore him!

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