Am I going mad??

[inneedofguidance]

So what to make of this. I'm on the point of pulling the plug on my relationship with my wife.

I will try to describe the situation as objectively as I can.

It started about 2 years ago. I came home one day from work. The kitchen had a couple of empty wine bottles, a bottle of scotch out & a various used glasses. No sign of wife. Go upstairs & she is asleep in bed in her nightdress, it's 7pm. She finally wakes up around 9 & explains that she had been out for lunch with, shall we say Mr X, a name I knew from her past, who she had admitted fancied her in the past. Nothing had happened according to her. Over the coming 6 months she met him a couple of times for lunch & on each occasion was drunk after & was generally not very pleasant to me. I suggested it would be a good idea if the 3 of us met up together so we could all be friends & I could be part of the relationship. The opportunity arose, he'd asked her out for lunch, she suggested I join, he immediately said oh no. Roll forward a couple of months, I go away on a one week business trip. She owns up to meeting the guy for dinner while I'm away. On my return I tell her as far as I'm concerned she's conducting an emotional affair with this guy & it is a serious threat to our relationship. I explain that I'll trust her but she cannot keep meeting this guy & not be transparent about it. This continues she doesn't tell me or tells me at the very last minute that she's meeting him, they don't seem to want to meet with me. These meetings generally occur when I'm away on business. She still insists it's innocent & there is nothing going on. She meets him in February and gets paralytic. I'm away in March, she meets him for dinner again (she's never told me she met him), someone told me. She goes to his house & stays for 2 nights with her son in April. In May she had to cancel a meeting with him a short notice as I was not at work that day, later in May again when I was away, he stayed the night, but again "nothing happened". I've told her this was just to far. She maintains they are just friends & have been for years. She gets defensive whenever I try to discuss it. Either I'm going mad or I'm being very naive.

Anyone got any thoughts? Or do I just accept she's cheating & pull the plug. Happy to answer any questions if it helps with insight.

[lordStrange]

AF re: flogging a dead horse. OP says this is mostly a happy relationship with a lively sex life. I'm not so sure this horse is yet dead.

[Joysmum]

Lordstrange of course it's a dead horse. She's doing something she knows hurts him and doesn't see a problem with that.

That says that she finds a relationship with another person (whether this is an affair is immaterial) far more important than the feelings of her husband.

Marriage SHOULD be able wanting to make your partner happy, certainly not continuing to hurt them with your actions.

[inneedofguidance]

So Im sitting here in the airport, waiting to fly home.

In the last couple of days I've had texts / comments from I'm the best husband any woman could ever want to total indifference.

I've got my mind round the idea we are over, but I'm still very confused.

For me this week is make or break. She demonstrates I'm no1 or we are over.

I feel terrible & fear how I feel will drive the outcome.

[jaynebxl]

Awful for you. I just can't imagine that she is going to get it. Sorry if you already said this but is she really young?

[TillyWithercoat]

Have you consulted a solicitor yet, OP?

[inneedofguidance]

Nope & nope.

To be honest a solicitor has nothing to offer in terms of relationships, just in terms of a business transaction :(

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Thinking of you this week OP.

[CarryOnDancing]

Keep us posted OP. Don't forget you hold all the cards here. You cannot be afraid to walk away. Place those boundaries firmly and do not move them. Those boundaries are your self respect!

[areyoumymother]

I think she sounds clueless, OP. I can't work out if she doesn't care about your feelings (horrible) or doesn't understand that you do have a boundary in relation to this issue (damaged). At the very least, you have unanswered questions regarding what has been going on and how significant it is. I wouldn't mess around with a solicitor yet, why not get her to agree to talk things through with a good marriage therapist. You might understand why she's behaving in the way that she is. It won't excuse her behaviour but it could reframe it and possibly provide a way forward. I do wonder if she's lonely - you seem to be away so much. Again, not that it's an excuse. But it could make it harder for her to give up this company from the other chap at the times when she's alone. The fact that she let him stay overnight despite being uncomfortable about it suggests to me that she doesn't feel completely in control of what's happening. There's something about all this that doesn't quite add up and I question her emotional maturity/stability, perhaps even her ability to attach securely to you. You've implied that you knew there were issues there before you married her, yet you loved her anyway. It would be naïve to expect any damage to disappear overnight. Given that, I think you should give her this chance to hear you properly in the presence of a third party. It could be that she sees you as her 100% safe refuge and doesn't really 'hear' how serious this is for you or see how she's taking you for granted. Does she have very low self-esteem, or a very fragile ego? Her behaviour comes across as massively mean and disrespectful - and it is - but I don't know if it's meant that way.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Hope your flight home was OK.
And hoping this week goes the way you want it to.

[TillyWithercoat]

To be honest a solicitor has nothing to offer in terms of relationships, just in terms of a business transaction

There is no relationship OP.