Am I going mad??

[inneedofguidance]

So what to make of this. I'm on the point of pulling the plug on my relationship with my wife.

I will try to describe the situation as objectively as I can.

It started about 2 years ago. I came home one day from work. The kitchen had a couple of empty wine bottles, a bottle of scotch out & a various used glasses. No sign of wife. Go upstairs & she is asleep in bed in her nightdress, it's 7pm. She finally wakes up around 9 & explains that she had been out for lunch with, shall we say Mr X, a name I knew from her past, who she had admitted fancied her in the past. Nothing had happened according to her. Over the coming 6 months she met him a couple of times for lunch & on each occasion was drunk after & was generally not very pleasant to me. I suggested it would be a good idea if the 3 of us met up together so we could all be friends & I could be part of the relationship. The opportunity arose, he'd asked her out for lunch, she suggested I join, he immediately said oh no. Roll forward a couple of months, I go away on a one week business trip. She owns up to meeting the guy for dinner while I'm away. On my return I tell her as far as I'm concerned she's conducting an emotional affair with this guy & it is a serious threat to our relationship. I explain that I'll trust her but she cannot keep meeting this guy & not be transparent about it. This continues she doesn't tell me or tells me at the very last minute that she's meeting him, they don't seem to want to meet with me. These meetings generally occur when I'm away on business. She still insists it's innocent & there is nothing going on. She meets him in February and gets paralytic. I'm away in March, she meets him for dinner again (she's never told me she met him), someone told me. She goes to his house & stays for 2 nights with her son in April. In May she had to cancel a meeting with him a short notice as I was not at work that day, later in May again when I was away, he stayed the night, but again "nothing happened". I've told her this was just to far. She maintains they are just friends & have been for years. She gets defensive whenever I try to discuss it. Either I'm going mad or I'm being very naive.

Anyone got any thoughts? Or do I just accept she's cheating & pull the plug. Happy to answer any questions if it helps with insight.

The trouble is also that when you are in the middle of an emotional situation you can't see the wood for the trees. Once you are away from the situation you should see more clearly. You need a new life where you only consult your needs and where you are in charge of events. If you don't disengage yourself she will spiral you down to a wreck.

This is how I feel to be honest. Just can't see the wood for the trees. Hence starting the thread really, to get some perspective.

Get out now. If you stay you have years of misery ahead. If you go you at least have the chance of building a new life with someone who wants to be with you

I agree with everyone else. She is at the most having a full-blown affair right under your nose, and at the least being extremely disrespectful. Don't let her take the piss, OP.

Given I've tried to talk to her about this without much success. I've told her how it makes me feel. I've asked how she would feel if the roles were reversed. I feel I've tried everything.

I don't really want to waste my breath discussing further as it achieved nothing. Would I be stupid to just go to a solicitor & start divorce proceedings, then let their letter tell her what's happening?

If you feel like you can handle the fallout, then I think that is the perfect solution actually.

How do you actually feel about her? Do you still love her? I feel for you, this situation is awful for you. Time to sort it now

I'm assuming you don't have children?

Would you be starting procedings because you want to divorce her? Or because you want her to take you seriously?

Affair or not the bottom line is she values her relationship with this man more than her marriage.

I wouldn't play second fiddle.

Personally I'd have left before now but I think you can either leave, tell her to leave or issue an ultimatum that she never contacts him again. If in the last case she doesn't agree, or does but meets him again then my next stop would be a solicitor.

Actually shocked you have put up with this tbh - massively disrespectful behaviour.

To answer some questions.

No kids.
Yes I do love her, it's why I'm trying to find a rational explanation. If I didn't this would be so easy?
I'd start proceedings because I've tried everything else, nothing's changed. So yes I want her to understand this is for real. How many times do I need to ask/beg for things to change?

She soesn't want things to change. That's why they are not changing.

Rather than start divorce procedings (you might get what you didn't wish for!) I would pack her bags and tell her to leave so you can think straight.

But if you start divorce proceedings and she's completely happy with that and doesn't put up a fight..? How will you feel then? Although I don't really see that you have much choice tbh.

Valid points.

I have plenty of time on business trips to think things over! I just end up confused. Other than this relationship of hers I can't fault things.

If she's happy with divorce I've at least reached a resolution.

I persobanlly wouldn't be putting all th epwoer into her cheating hands bu there you go.

Go to a solicitor. Get some advice. Arm yourself with as much info and ammo as you can. Then talk to her again, with a plan to leave if nees be in mind.

My feeling is that she won't stop. And she'll expect you to roll over and put up with it. Do you want that?

And you being away thinking things over is NOT the same as kicking her out so you can think things over. Sleeping on a mate's couch for a fortnight might focus her mind a little

What ? Do you get some backwards thrill out of being a cuckolded husband ?

FGS, where is your self respect ?

Get a STI check and fuck her off. I am completely embarassed for you.

OP, sorry but I think you need to grow a pair. She is totally taking the piss out of you! Pack her bags and tell her to do one! She is a disrespectful cow and doesn't deserve your love. tell her to fuck off.

I don't think there is any question of putting any power in her hands anymore. This is a case of she's had the opportunity to change things, hasn't taken it, so now I need to change things. I suppose this is the conclusion I have come to. My only decision is to give her one final opportunity or just have a solicitor start the process.

Good for you, OP. Start divorce proceedings and leave the Womanbaby!

One more final opportunity to take the piss ?

Cop on love, and save what is left of your self respect

I wouldn't be giving her any more opportunities! You have given her plenty and still she carries on. Come on OP, tell her to sling her hook. She is doing what is known as having her cake and eating it - in fact she is stuffing her face!

She really has had all the chances she can, surely? Why give her amother chance, when it will be yet one more defiant, deceitful, cheating act. Cut her, and yourself loose.

Ask her to leave while you think about things for a bit.

Nothing is going to change unless you change it.

Do you give her another chance?

Another chance to do what? Fuck you over again?

You are in this position because you have been totally placid in your response. She has no reason to think any threats from you are less than empty.

Go see a solicitor. Know your rights then sit down with her and shore up what little dignity you have left and tell her it's over.

Set the agenda for a change and tell her what's going to happen. You will feel a damn site better for it.

She's not a prize to win, she's baggage to be recycled to the idiot she's fucking behind your back.

Even if there is some other explanation, you won't find out until you leave.

OP, does she have no other friends or family around who can see what is going on?