Am I going mad??

[inneedofguidance]

So what to make of this. I'm on the point of pulling the plug on my relationship with my wife.

I will try to describe the situation as objectively as I can.

It started about 2 years ago. I came home one day from work. The kitchen had a couple of empty wine bottles, a bottle of scotch out & a various used glasses. No sign of wife. Go upstairs & she is asleep in bed in her nightdress, it's 7pm. She finally wakes up around 9 & explains that she had been out for lunch with, shall we say Mr X, a name I knew from her past, who she had admitted fancied her in the past. Nothing had happened according to her. Over the coming 6 months she met him a couple of times for lunch & on each occasion was drunk after & was generally not very pleasant to me. I suggested it would be a good idea if the 3 of us met up together so we could all be friends & I could be part of the relationship. The opportunity arose, he'd asked her out for lunch, she suggested I join, he immediately said oh no. Roll forward a couple of months, I go away on a one week business trip. She owns up to meeting the guy for dinner while I'm away. On my return I tell her as far as I'm concerned she's conducting an emotional affair with this guy & it is a serious threat to our relationship. I explain that I'll trust her but she cannot keep meeting this guy & not be transparent about it. This continues she doesn't tell me or tells me at the very last minute that she's meeting him, they don't seem to want to meet with me. These meetings generally occur when I'm away on business. She still insists it's innocent & there is nothing going on. She meets him in February and gets paralytic. I'm away in March, she meets him for dinner again (she's never told me she met him), someone told me. She goes to his house & stays for 2 nights with her son in April. In May she had to cancel a meeting with him a short notice as I was not at work that day, later in May again when I was away, he stayed the night, but again "nothing happened". I've told her this was just to far. She maintains they are just friends & have been for years. She gets defensive whenever I try to discuss it. Either I'm going mad or I'm being very naive.

Anyone got any thoughts? Or do I just accept she's cheating & pull the plug. Happy to answer any questions if it helps with insight.

[inneedofguidance]

As he doesn't live on our doorstep but a couple of hours away I don't think it's quite as obvious to an outsider. I know her best friend would lie to cover for her. Other friends including best friend all pretty much say the same thing, that In private she tells them she his very happy withme & she would be beside herself without me. She even joked about the whole thing in front of her mum, saying I thought they were having an affair & how crazy that was. Her mums met him in the past you see, before she was with me.

[BitOutOfPractice]

She really is brazen isn't she?

[InTheNorth123]

OP, sorry to hear your wife is being such a cow to you. I echo the advice of others - get rid!!

I think starting divorce proceedings w/out her is a good idea actually. If shes happy to consent to the divorce, then she can't be happy anyway, and most probably is having an affair. Good luck

[YeGodsAndLittleFishes]

So there is no way he could be coercing her into something sinister, making threats of harming you if she tells anyone?

He's also brazen, and living dangerously. Not all husbands are as nice as you. There are far more husbands willing to injure the OM than women who behave like her, I think. Move on and get over her. Leave them to it.

[Joysmum]

I certainly wouldn't be joking about the hurt I was causing my DH if he thought I was having an affair. I love him to bits and I'd be doing all I could to bolster his self esteme and to see how much I love him.

There's nothing funny or imaginary about the pain you must be feeling right now and she's not good enough for you if she thinks otherwise.

When I got married, I did do with the intention of making my DH happy, his motives were the same, it wasn't to make ourselves happy. I think that's why so many relationship fail, when it becomes evident that each is out purely for themselves and have little regard for the other if it doesn't fit in with their wants.

[inneedofguidance]

I really appreciate the comments I'm receiving here. It's good to at least know you are not being silly. I've never been in this position before, so it makes it difficult to get some perspective. I have a theory about what's happening, it kind of fits, but requires a few leaps & doesn't really change a lot of the recommendations here.

I think well have an interesting discussion next week, I am at the airport on a trip at present.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think the penny is finally dropping for you.
What are the living arrangements?
Do you own the house?
Have a mortgage?
Who's name is on the deeds?
As you have no kids then this is the perfect time to tell her to FTFO.

[inneedofguidance]

Not sure what you mean by living arrangements,
My house, my name on deeds, with a small mortgage
She owns another house no mortgage, which is rented

[orangefusion]

On the face of it does appear that something not right is going on. Given that they only meet when you are away and she cancels if you are there. The drinking to the extent of beign paralytic is worrying, people do things when they are drunk that they dont intend to do whilst sober.

It seems to me that you have a number of options (none of which are evaluated here):

Carry on as you are doing.
Offer her a "it's him or me" ultimatum.
Ask her to leave, (it is your house and she has a house) and have some time apart.
Ask her for a better explanation of exactly what they get up to when you are around and why they only meet when you are not around.
Call him and tell him to back off/what is going on?
Question her defensiveness when you ask her about it again- dont let her aggressive response stop you asking questions.
Divorce her.
Pretend to go away and come home unexpectly and see for yourself what they do when you are away.
Or any combination of the above.

IMO it sounds like you are caught in a triangle, they are often used by narcissists to make you feel exactly as you are feeling- bewildered and confused. It is a blatant lie to say there is nothing going on, there is drinking to the point of extreme drunkeness, there is arranging meetings for when you are away, there is dishonesty by omission. They may not be having a sexual affair or even an emotional affair but they are having a relationship which excludes you and which causes you to feel anxious and uncomfortable in your own home.

The "just a friend- how dare you!" is a classic narc response as is the agressive denial.

Your awful dillema is to choose which option is going to leave you with what you want. You may not get what you want however.

Good luck.

[DaddyBeer]

Mate, I've read the entire thread and I have to say the poster I most agree with is orange fusion. Although it does sound fishy, there is not necessarily anything "dodgy" going on. You do not know this because you have no strict evidence for it.

What I do feel sure of is that your wife is getting something from her friend that she's not getting from you. And here I'm just thinking of an emotional connection, maybe she feels he understand her more and therefore enjoys his company. Yes, I am being very generous to your wife here. But you know her better than anyone on MN and are therefore best placed to make this call.

IMO, assuming it's not sex, you need to find out what your wife is looking for (by asking her) and work out whether you can provide that or not, and go from there. She really does need to "man up" (sorry) and tell you.

[YeGodsAndLittleFishes]

Maybe sje is an alcoholic and can imdulge openly with someome who doesn't actually care about her, but knows you'll not collude with it if you found out. I suppose they could be planning some fantastic secret surprise for you, but unlikely. What is his line of work?

[inneedofguidance]

As a number of you have picked up on other than the meetings with this guy everything else in the relationship is good. She seems warmer than ever, sex is frequent & good, no real worries I'm aware of (except this). If she wants out or not happy with me she has an odd way of showing it. I've seen her when she's not good with me & it's not this!

Totally confused.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Ultimatum time then.
You aren't comfortable with it. Neither would I be. If it were reversed, neither would she be.
She needs to understand what she might lose if she continues.
I hope it works out.

[inneedofguidance]

So by way of update.....

I asked her outright if she was having an affair with this guy...she said no.

I tried to talk to her about it....she was very defensive again, repeating nothings happening, there is no issue, I don't know why you are making an issue of this, this is crazy we have been friends for years there's nothing happening, you should be grateful your wife is fanciable.
He texted her most days, just little nudges, nothing much that I saw.
I asked her to tell him to back off then, she said there is nothing to back off from. She said she wasn't comfortable with him staying.

I'm away on business again... and guess what...they are meeting up.

Back a week today. Suppose it's the end. :(

[Opinionated7]

There's no need for her to be defensive, if it upsets you she should be willing to do something about it.

[inneedofguidance]

Agreed, but she doesn't appear to want to.

I get the feeling she thinks I'm being controlling, stopping her see who she likes, when she likes. But I don't it's just this one guy.

[newnamesamegame]

To be honest with you even if she weren't sleeping with him this would be a dealbreaker for me. She is continuing to do something which she know upsets you repeatedly with another man and in some cases behind your back.

[inneedofguidance]

....and I'm the one being made to feel unreasonable. I just don't get it.

I really don't understand why she is doing this to me.

[newnamesamegame]

I think there are only three plausible explanations for this behaviour: 1) she is having some sort of entanglement with him, whether or not its an actual physical affair 2) she is not involved with him but for reasons of her own is testing your boundaries and trying to make a point about your "control" of her or 3) she has a drink problem and this man allows her to drink in the way she likes without judgement or any attempt to control.

None of these reflects very well on her, to be honest. If she were able to articulate which of the three it was and were prepared to work with you on it then you may have a future. But as she is lying and obfuscating with you on it and denying there's a problem and basically expecting you to accept it, I don't see how you can progress with the status quo.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

Hello OP. She's doing it because she can, which is why most selfish poeple do things. It's not personal to you; she's a bone-deep liar and cheat.

Frankly, I think the rest of your interaction should be limited to "talk to my solicitor". You're childless and you have no shared assets (unless there's a pension plan on either side). Have a manhug.

[FlawedFlower]

"...you should be grateful your wife is fanciable."

With this remark she's confirming that sexual attraction exists, at least on one side. And it's twisting the knife to suggest you should somehow be grateful - how manipulative!

Her defensiveness may be rooted in guilt or self-denial. At best, she's defiantly refusing to change her ways despite the obvious hurt she's causing you. Something has to give.

[JackAndGills]

A friend of mine was involved in something like this - she was having an affair - very much physical as well as emotional. She was fairly open about this to her DH and as the marriage wasn't going well, he kind of reluctantly accepted it for a while.

Then he met someone else and told my friend he wanted a divorce. She was absolutley devastated. She wanted the status quo to remain - she wanted to be married and be having an affair - she didn't want her lover as her partner.

Eventually her DH divorced her and her lover became her partner, but only briefly. It simply didn't work.

[inneedofguidance]

I actually feel quite trapped in many ways. I don't know how to get her attention to the damage she is doing to our relationship. Talking doesn't seem to work, threatening divorce is like a nuclear option & could result in total obliteration of everything. I don't have a clue whats really going through her head and I'm just getting more & more frustrated. I know it's affecting my behaviour around her, I'm getting tetchy, uptight, stressed. It's ultimately becoming a self fufilling prophecy. It's really getting me down & I've nowhere to really turn for help & guidance. To be honest it's just dominating my thoughts.

[MeridithMcMilan]

Why not read through this thread again because you don't seem to be taking in the fact that your DW has already checked out of this relationship.

Unless you're prepared to accept she's having an affair, then your only option would seem to be to divorce her. Why not see a solicitor and get the ball rolling as all you're doing is enabling her to continue to make a fool out of you. She has no respect for you or your feelings.

I'm so sorry this is happening, but you need to take can control and regain your power and self respect.

Keep posting on here.

[CarryOnDancing]

The idea that you should be grateful she's "fanciable" tells you everything you need to know. What a disgusting and manipulative thing to say. What must she think of you?

Seriously now, take a minute to consider how much further you are willing to go with this? What will she have to do for you to put yourself first. You need to protect yourself now. You need to protect your self esteem, sanity and assets. You care so much that she could destroy you even if she doesn't intend to.

All of the rest of it is irrelevant-she holds this man higher than you. Not because of anything you have done but because she doesn't respect you and is selfish. You cannot fix this.

I think she's pushing you so that you are the one to end things rather than her.
At the minute her behaviour when you are home is just about keeping your relationship together but it's not a relationship what a single other person on this thread would want. It's not the relationship you go married for.

Do you think she's really in the moment when you have sex or is she thinking of him? You need a bit if a shake here. She's making a fool of you but from your posts you seem to be an intelligent and caring person. You deserve the wife you married, not the wife you have.

Make it clear-the contact stops or you divorce. You may as well make the ultimatum, you have nothing to lose!!