Am I going mad??

[inneedofguidance]

So what to make of this. I'm on the point of pulling the plug on my relationship with my wife.

I will try to describe the situation as objectively as I can.

It started about 2 years ago. I came home one day from work. The kitchen had a couple of empty wine bottles, a bottle of scotch out & a various used glasses. No sign of wife. Go upstairs & she is asleep in bed in her nightdress, it's 7pm. She finally wakes up around 9 & explains that she had been out for lunch with, shall we say Mr X, a name I knew from her past, who she had admitted fancied her in the past. Nothing had happened according to her. Over the coming 6 months she met him a couple of times for lunch & on each occasion was drunk after & was generally not very pleasant to me. I suggested it would be a good idea if the 3 of us met up together so we could all be friends & I could be part of the relationship. The opportunity arose, he'd asked her out for lunch, she suggested I join, he immediately said oh no. Roll forward a couple of months, I go away on a one week business trip. She owns up to meeting the guy for dinner while I'm away. On my return I tell her as far as I'm concerned she's conducting an emotional affair with this guy & it is a serious threat to our relationship. I explain that I'll trust her but she cannot keep meeting this guy & not be transparent about it. This continues she doesn't tell me or tells me at the very last minute that she's meeting him, they don't seem to want to meet with me. These meetings generally occur when I'm away on business. She still insists it's innocent & there is nothing going on. She meets him in February and gets paralytic. I'm away in March, she meets him for dinner again (she's never told me she met him), someone told me. She goes to his house & stays for 2 nights with her son in April. In May she had to cancel a meeting with him a short notice as I was not at work that day, later in May again when I was away, he stayed the night, but again "nothing happened". I've told her this was just to far. She maintains they are just friends & have been for years. She gets defensive whenever I try to discuss it. Either I'm going mad or I'm being very naive.

Anyone got any thoughts? Or do I just accept she's cheating & pull the plug. Happy to answer any questions if it helps with insight.

[TillyWithercoat]

To be honest a solicitor has nothing to offer in terms of relationships, just in terms of a business transaction

There is no relationship OP.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Hope your flight home was OK.
And hoping this week goes the way you want it to.

[areyoumymother]

I think she sounds clueless, OP. I can't work out if she doesn't care about your feelings (horrible) or doesn't understand that you do have a boundary in relation to this issue (damaged). At the very least, you have unanswered questions regarding what has been going on and how significant it is. I wouldn't mess around with a solicitor yet, why not get her to agree to talk things through with a good marriage therapist. You might understand why she's behaving in the way that she is. It won't excuse her behaviour but it could reframe it and possibly provide a way forward. I do wonder if she's lonely - you seem to be away so much. Again, not that it's an excuse. But it could make it harder for her to give up this company from the other chap at the times when she's alone. The fact that she let him stay overnight despite being uncomfortable about it suggests to me that she doesn't feel completely in control of what's happening. There's something about all this that doesn't quite add up and I question her emotional maturity/stability, perhaps even her ability to attach securely to you. You've implied that you knew there were issues there before you married her, yet you loved her anyway. It would be naïve to expect any damage to disappear overnight. Given that, I think you should give her this chance to hear you properly in the presence of a third party. It could be that she sees you as her 100% safe refuge and doesn't really 'hear' how serious this is for you or see how she's taking you for granted. Does she have very low self-esteem, or a very fragile ego? Her behaviour comes across as massively mean and disrespectful - and it is - but I don't know if it's meant that way.

[CarryOnDancing]

Keep us posted OP. Don't forget you hold all the cards here. You cannot be afraid to walk away. Place those boundaries firmly and do not move them. Those boundaries are your self respect!

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Thinking of you this week OP.

[inneedofguidance]

Nope & nope.

To be honest a solicitor has nothing to offer in terms of relationships, just in terms of a business transaction :(

[TillyWithercoat]

Have you consulted a solicitor yet, OP?

[jaynebxl]

Awful for you. I just can't imagine that she is going to get it. Sorry if you already said this but is she really young?

[inneedofguidance]

So Im sitting here in the airport, waiting to fly home.

In the last couple of days I've had texts / comments from I'm the best husband any woman could ever want to total indifference.

I've got my mind round the idea we are over, but I'm still very confused.

For me this week is make or break. She demonstrates I'm no1 or we are over.

I feel terrible & fear how I feel will drive the outcome.

[Joysmum]

Lordstrange of course it's a dead horse. She's doing something she knows hurts him and doesn't see a problem with that.

That says that she finds a relationship with another person (whether this is an affair is immaterial) far more important than the feelings of her husband.

Marriage SHOULD be able wanting to make your partner happy, certainly not continuing to hurt them with your actions.

[lordStrange]

AF re: flogging a dead horse. OP says this is mostly a happy relationship with a lively sex life. I'm not so sure this horse is yet dead.

[lordStrange]

Lord It's irrelevant whether they are having a physical affair.

I disagree. A physical (or emotional) affair is whole other matter, I just don't see this as an 'affair'.

Selfish, immature, arrogant, deeply unpleasant etc. you get the gist. I would agree she is being horrible to the op. He may decide to give her a final ultimatum, of course. Which is understandable.

The situation isn't saying affair to me.

[AnyFucker]

You are flogging a dead horse, op. Walk away, she sounds like a most unpleasant individual.

[grumpasaur]

Gelfbride- normally I think that is a great idea, but it sounds like the op has already tried to explain his feelings, to bring it up in a number of different ways, and to issue ultimatums.

Nothing has worked.

So he needs out.

[grumpasaur]

Seriously op- you sound lovely. She sounds selfish, dismissive, and completely up herself.

What do you think you need to help yourself recognise that you deserve better, and what kind of support would help you take the steps to end the relationship?

[hellsbellsmelons]

And now she is completely dismissive and disrespectful of your feelings regarding HER actions.
WOW - she sounds like a delight!

[GelfBride]

Inneed I would write her a letter telling her exactly how you feel. If she chooses to ignore that then...well..you tried.

[inneedofguidance]

@jaynebxl

I spoke to a mutual friend about it a couple of months ago, saying I felt we were on the brink. He relayed the conversation to her & her reaction was "that's rubbish, he always blows things out of proportion".

I can't even get a conversation about the subject far enough. The general response is dismissive & she walks off.

[jaynebxl]

Horrible. Sounds like you really can't go on like this and must force things to come to a head once you get home. Give her an ultimatum that either sje includes you in her 'dates' with him or she stops seeing him, like the poster upthread did. Does she actually know you are at the point of ending the relationship if things don't change?

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Poor you op, sounds rotten.

[GelfBride]

Lord It's irrelevant whether they are having a physical affair. It's a DW not giving a tinkers rap about her husbands peace of mind and selfishly putting her needs and wants and those of her drinking/smoking/whatever buddy waaaaaaay before those of her DH, type situation.
She knows (because he has told her many times) that he is not comfortable with the situation but she doesn't give a fuck and carries on as she pleases even knowing that he knows she is lying, gaslighting and re-writing history. She even has her mother laughing in her husbands face! It is belittling in the extreme and he needs to pull the plug. He also needs to accept that she will protest to the last that she is innocent of a physical affair because she will never get it either. One day she may look back and realise what she has done but people like that usually don't, just think what a pillock her ex was for not letting her walk all over him. She doesn't deserve him and he can do much better.

[lordStrange]

No. I still don't think this is a sexual relationship that your wife is having.

I have been cheated on by three long-term partners in a row (I could cry, and I do) so I kind of know the signs, I get the sniff of 'affair'. And I don't see it here. Of course, your wife may be a psychopath or something, and happily continue things with you while fucking an old mate.

Yet, this situation doesn't really shout affair to me. I think she is partying around with him, havin a larf, being pissed with him. How old is she?

[grumpasaur]

Op, sorry I haven't read the whole thread- I got about halfway through all the responses, and decided I had to post! Apologies if I am repeated anything someone has already said.

I have a good male friend who used to fancy me. We slept together twice and I just didn't have romantic feelings towards him, so ended that aspect of the relationship, gave him space for about a year, and slowly we have rebuilt the friendship.

Since then I met my husband, who at first had a problem with this friend because my husband felt that friend still had feelings with me. Friend didn't help situation by doing his best to avoid husband (at the time, boyfriend!) at all costs.

I told friend he had two choices: have me in his life with husband too, or not have me in his life, as it wasn't fair to husband. He chose the former, and many years on, we are all good friends.

I still see friend 1:1 sometimes, but would say I see him with my husband about 50-60% of the time. I would never have a sleepover with him even though he lives in Brighton and we in London.

This is how a respectful partner treats her husband, and clarifies boundaries for a friend.

Your wife has done the opposite.

Get a solicitor. Regardless of whether she is fucking him (and she is!!), she has more respect for him than she does for you, and that is the end of a relationship.

Hugs!

[hellsbellsmelons]

You don't need hard evidence
This is not court of law.
You are allowed to end any relationship for any reason.
You don't need 'proof' or permission.
Do what you need to do to keep your dignity and self respect.
Head held high - get out!!!

[GelfBride]

Just because the home and sex life is good OP, don't assume she isn't getting physical with this interloper. People often report that things brighten up for them when a partner is having an affair. It is not a litmus test for the health of your marriage is what I am saying, or another way of looking at it is that her affair (for that is certainly what it is) is the thing that is making her marriage to you bearable.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but she seems happy because she has the life she wants - you providing and him also....providing. See what I mean?
In any event, she has told you that this guy is a non negotiable thing in her life and that shows massive massive disrespect and a finger up to you. I would have the solicitors letter in her hand before the end of next week and you need to find someone that thinks of you first, not herself, then her boyfriend, and then finally at the end of the list, DH.