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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do?

85 replies

Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 06:30

My DH has suddenly decided that he's never been happy living here (the village we grew up in) and that he is moving away, 3-4 hours drive away.
I LOVE living here, my friends and parents (DH doesn't get on with them) are here and everything is being put in place for DS who has suspected AsD. He's basically said I go with him or that's it. My heart is breaking because I love him as much as when we married. I've tried to compromise by saying I would move a couple of hours away - that way I could still see my friends and parents but no, he has said it will be 4 hours minimum. What would you do? X

OP posts:
Vivacia · 25/06/2014 06:33

I can't imagine. Is he normally like this??

Trooperslane · 25/06/2014 06:36

Why does he want to move you min 4 hours from your family and friends?

Is there a specific place, job he's after?

Otherwise sounds very much like he's trying to isolate you and he's not taking your dc into consideration at all.

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 06:37

He can be. We are under a lot of pressure financially at the moment and with DS (2.5) who has health problems. I completely understand that he wants to live elsewhere. He has never left the area whereas I went to uni. This is why I'm happy to compromise and save our marriage m. X

OP posts:
TanteRose · 25/06/2014 06:37

he doesn't get to "suddenly decide" things like this.

It should be a joint decision after an awful lot of discussion.

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 06:38

No specific place and he's self employed. X

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 25/06/2014 06:43

You love someone who is making major decisions without discussing, delivering ultimatums and planning to separate you and your son from everything that's familiar?

The suddenness of this is the oddest thing, IMO. Do you have any clue as to what has prompted this, OP?

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 06:45

Nope. He doesn't have any friends here and is not close to his family. Before we had DS, we had grand plans to live in France etc but I've really needed my mum. DS is super close to my parents and I just couldn't take him away from them, regardless of what DH thinks of them x

OP posts:
Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 06:46

Yes Optimist1, he's my husband and I can't suddenly stop loving him because this has happened.

OP posts:
bumbumsmummy · 25/06/2014 06:49

Didn't want to read and run there will be some much better placed mntrs who will be along shortly

Something's desperately wrong if this has come out of the blue

My first thought was what's he running from ?

Vivacia · 25/06/2014 06:50

he doesn't get to "suddenly decide" things like this.

This. I can imagine my partner saying he'd started thinking, and really wanted to move to Somewherespecific, or asking me if I'd like to move and try living somewhere else, but I just can't imagine him issuing an ultimatum.

KoalaDownUnder · 25/06/2014 06:51

He's being selfish and unreasonable, particularly considering your son's needs.

This jumped out at me:

My DH has suddenly decided that he's never been happy...and that he is moving away, 3-4 hours drive away

Did he present it to you as 'I'm moving, with or without you and DS'? Because that's a terrible way to act in a marriage. Sad

How long have you been married?

Optimist1 · 25/06/2014 07:00

Like bumbumsmummy my immediate thought was this is the behaviour of someone who knows something's about to come out of the woodwork and he's running away from it. But then you say that he has previously expressed an interest in living in France, so perhaps I'm wrong. Did he discuss the option of living in France with you? And if so, did he allow you to express your concerns about being so far away from your family?

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 07:02

We've been married for three years, together for six. Things have been tough since we had DS but I assumed that's because we have a young child and is the norm for this time in life. I do love him, I love being his wife and he is a fantastic Daddy. He does have a bit of a past and I know he gets frustrated with seeing the same people all the time. So I truly understand him wanting to try somewhere else but not so far and not in this way. X

OP posts:
kalidanger · 25/06/2014 07:03

Does he having any further reason for wanting to do this? Other than "I've never liked it here"?

It sounds like he want to leave you but is fudging the reason why. He knows you don't want to, and practically you can't, go so you're in an impossible situation and he'll get to say that in effect you left him.

This is obvious bullshit. Saying things 'haven't been right for years" out of the blue is classic affair behaviour Hmm

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 07:03

Before we had DS, I was happy to go anywhere! But after having him I really needed my mum's support and we've stayed. I'd love to live in my uni town again (1.5 hours away) but it's not 'far enough' for him. X

OP posts:
JenniferJo · 25/06/2014 07:04

To decide this and announce it suddenly shows a total lack of respect for you and your marriage. What would happen if you agreed and he still "wasn't happy".

Help him pack.

RainbowsStars · 25/06/2014 07:08

Sorry, but I wonder if this is his roundabout, insensitive way of saying that he is leaving?

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 07:10

RainbowStars he is adamant that he loves me and wants us all together.

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 25/06/2014 07:14

When you say 'he has a bit of a past'...does he have a bad reputation in your current town? Was he a bit of a bad-boy in the past? Does your family hold it against him, or does it hold him back professionally or socially?

Just trying to understand. Thanks

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 07:16

He was a bit of a bad boy I suppose (long before we knew each other)...used to get drunk, get into fights etc and everybody does assume that he is still like that (he's not). X

OP posts:
PotatoesPastaAndBread · 25/06/2014 07:25

I'm sorry you're gong through this Roken , you must be very stressed and worried.

What strikes me as odd (apart from not consulting you and 'deciding' this out of the blue), is the "minimum four hours" stipulation. Fine he doesn't like where you live - it's too small, everyone knows everyone. So go somewhere else. Find a town not a village. But why does that have to be four hours or more away?

But the bigger picture is that making a decision like this without consultation, and issuing you with an ultimatum that is clearly so hard for you and quite possibly not in the best interests of his own DC is not respectful of you or your marriage. I hope you can find a solution Thanks

RainbowsStars · 25/06/2014 07:29

That's good Roken. Could he have been having an affair and want to stay with you so has decided to put a 4 hour distance between him and OW so he won't be tempted?

clutching at straws?

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 07:32

Thank you potatoes. I'm beginning to think it could be over. He's just told me I need to 'cut the apron strings' and start my life. I'm gutted. I thought we were so in love and we had such big plans for our future with our little boy. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 07:33

No RainbowStars, I truly believe there's no OW involved.

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 25/06/2014 07:34

Does he get on well with your family?

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