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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do?

85 replies

Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 06:30

My DH has suddenly decided that he's never been happy living here (the village we grew up in) and that he is moving away, 3-4 hours drive away.
I LOVE living here, my friends and parents (DH doesn't get on with them) are here and everything is being put in place for DS who has suspected AsD. He's basically said I go with him or that's it. My heart is breaking because I love him as much as when we married. I've tried to compromise by saying I would move a couple of hours away - that way I could still see my friends and parents but no, he has said it will be 4 hours minimum. What would you do? X

OP posts:
Vivacia · 25/06/2014 07:39

His behaviour sounds very unkind.

Lovingfreedom · 25/06/2014 07:40

Bit odd that he has no friends in the town that he has lived all his life....lots of red flags in this thread. Don't cut yourself off from your support network. If he loves you, he will want to stay where you are. The ultimatums are just ridiculous...it's not like he NEEDS to move for any reason.

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 07:42

No Koala, he doesn't. He wants to be somewhere that people 'can't just pop round' - meaning my friends and family as they are the only people who 'just pop round'.

God now I've written that it looks awful.

OP posts:
Katisha · 25/06/2014 07:45

What happens when they do pop round that he can't cope with? Do they overdo it like some of the PIL threads we see on here?

KoalaDownUnder · 25/06/2014 07:45

Oh. That doesn't sound good. Sad

I would appeal to him from the point of view of your son's welfare. Does he not see what a negative thing this move would be for your son? Can you really emphasise that point?

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 07:48

Koala all I get is 'he's young, he'll adapt'. I'm very close to my Parents. There have been some issues between them - a lot of it is DH misconstruing things. They don't overdo it - they have been great. They have DS for the night, buy Nappies etc and are just a very good support for me. X

OP posts:
Whocansay · 25/06/2014 07:50

He wants to totally isolate you and you dc from your support network. If he wants to go, let him. A decent parent or father would not arbitrarily decide to do this.

As others have suggested, I think he's either running from something, or to something.

Katisha · 25/06/2014 07:56

How often does he see your parents and how do they behave with each other? Trying to gauge why he feels the need to virtually never see them again.

firstchoice · 25/06/2014 08:00

If you are 'just getting support into place' for your ds with ASD then that is VERY important. It could take another 2 years to start from scratch somewhere else.
Adapting could be very hard for him.

Surely, as a decent Dad, that trumps his wishing to have a 'fresh start'.

Have to say, the stopping people 'popping round' sounds dodgy to me.

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 08:01

He probably sees them once a month. I'm heartbroken, I just can't do any of this.

OP posts:
Katisha · 25/06/2014 08:07

Once a month! Was wondering if they were always sitting there every time he came home! Patently not. Well I can a person might want to move away from home, if somewhat later than many, but the four hour stipulation is ridiculous. If you wouldn't mind living in your university town I think that is the extent of the compromise you make. Anything else is plain unreasonable and yes, does actually seem a bit fishy...it's turning into them or me isn't it.

lavenderhoney · 25/06/2014 08:07

Personally I wouldn't go because you sound pretty much sorted with support and friends. Life starting out 4 hours away will be very hard, he will have to rebuild his business or get a job, if he can.
And do you plan to spend weekends going backwards and forwards or expecting your family to? You ds sounds as though he will be growing up in a great community for him and you have friends and support. What's not to like?

You'll be making all the compromises for a relationship which you say is a bit shaky anyway. What is better about moving for you? I

Your dh is running to or from something, or shortly you will find something out that will make you want to move too. That's my feeling. It just doesn't make sense! 4 hours!

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 08:11

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to split up :(

OP posts:
SmallBee · 25/06/2014 08:14

Roken what a horrible situation to be in!
It sounds to me as if he is basically giving you an ultimatum as he is not willing to compromise as you are.
My only thought is, do you want to be in a marriage ruled by ultimatums / threats of leaving every time your DH wants something?

trikken · 25/06/2014 08:16

Would he be different if you did move? Would you end up resenting him if you moved four hours away from friends and family? What a difficult situation. Sad

antimatter · 25/06/2014 08:17

Sit down and for your peace of mind write down what help (time and emotional) you are getting by living where you are.

What would replace it if you were to move away.

Who will provide you with babysitting etc.

ASk himhow he is imagining your new life.

Send him to find new place and provide budget. Are you going back to work?

What is bothering him with you having people around?
Is he jealous or simply realized he needs more "freedom".
How old are both of you?

SmallBee · 25/06/2014 08:18

Additionally it might be worth pointing out that yes, people won't just pop in but it is more likely they'll come and stay for a weekend/night so you'll need a house with a good guest room.

AnyoneForTennis · 25/06/2014 08:26

Financial difficulties you say?

So how does he propose to pay for relocation? Are you renting?

LineRunner · 25/06/2014 08:44

What's the background to his relationship with your parents?

Is he solvent?

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 08:47

We rent. I'm working p/t supply. He has DS when I'm working. I don't know what I want. We did live in a village 1/2 hour away for 9 months and I hated it. I was so unhappy and so relieved to be home when we moved back. I don't know how he proposes to raise money for relocation. I've told him I'll compromise to an hour or two but I'm not sure I can do that. I'm taking DS for weighing today (has growth problems) so I may chat to my HV about it. I'm so unhappy. I think our problems will follow us. X

OP posts:
Vivacia · 25/06/2014 08:47

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to split up

Well, in effect he's splitting up with you, but making you feel as if you're responsible when it happens.

In your shoes I'd let him go and suggest you both have a re-think after a month.

Vivacia · 25/06/2014 08:48

I think our problems will follow us.

I think that they'll worsen, given that you won't have your job or the support of your family or the familiarity of a place you love.

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 08:57

I'm torn :(

OP posts:
Katisha · 25/06/2014 09:08

Why does he think everything will suddenly be fine if he distances you all? Is he able to talk sensibly about it or is he just in cloud cuckoo land? You may not be able to pick up supply work just like that for a start. I would be asking for a properly thought out plan with research, not just some running away from home idea. He is a married man and father. He has to think things through properly based on fact, not on old resentments and general boredom with his surroundings. He needs to see the problem is in himself and running away doesn't fix that.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/06/2014 09:13

Wow - red flags flying all over the place here.
He has no friends.
Doesn't get on with your family or his family.
Giving you ultimatums without any discussion.
Not prepared to compromise.
Wants to totally isolate you from your support network, friends and family.
WHY???????
It's just crazy.

He wants to split up with you basically and is going about it in a very horrible and snidey way.

You CANNOT let him dictate like this. You don't want to move away. So don't. Let him go as he obviously doesn't give a shit about you or your DC!

Get in touch with CAB and see what you would be entitiled to in tax credits, benefits, housing etc...
Then contact CSA and find out what maintenance he should be paying.
Then get a free half hour with a solicitor and see what your options are.

He is forcing this crap on you. You don't have to accept the CRAP he is dishing out.

This screams OW to me.