What do I do?

[Rokenswife]

My DH has suddenly decided that he's never been happy living here (the village we grew up in) and that he is moving away, 3-4 hours drive away.
I LOVE living here, my friends and parents (DH doesn't get on with them) are here and everything is being put in place for DS who has suspected AsD. He's basically said I go with him or that's it. My heart is breaking because I love him as much as when we married. I've tried to compromise by saying I would move a couple of hours away - that way I could still see my friends and parents but no, he has said it will be 4 hours minimum. What would you do? X

Just read the thread and very glad you've told him that. Why doesn't he have any friends? Especially if he's lived there all his life. Be very careful he doesn't try to isolate you from your friends ( which moving obviously would have done). What is it about your family he so dislikes?

Just be a bit wary. Who knows what he'll suggest next.

Out of the blue, my DH announced that he wanted to move to the Shetland Isles, hundreds of miles from where we were living and an area of the UK that I had never visited and neither of us had any family or work connections with. Said he would go alone if I and our three DC didn't go with him but he needed to 'get away'. Obsessively researched properties, jobs etc. It was extremely odd and I simply couldn't understand his behaviour. Like you I dug my heels in and told him to go alone and he eventually relented. And, yes, it soon after transpired that there was an OW behind the scenes that at that stage he had decided to try and remove himself from.

Wow, all that worry for "nothing".

Well, you are a long time trying to move if you own your own house. Unless you are in London, and then it could be ten seconds. If you are renting a house you can do a lot of feet dragging. If you are adamant that it is not because of OW. Then I think the problem may be to do with your Mother and relatives. If you live close by and she and they are in and out of your house constantly and visa versa, perhaps the root of his wanting to move lies with his jealousy of your family. You say that they don't get on and your Mum is devoted to the baby. Was it her first Grandchild? I know when I had the first grandchild I may have behaved over the top with excitement. I bought loads of stuff and visited lot as I fell massively in love with the gorgeous baby. It is so exciting an event that your Mum may have taken over your house and made him feel excluded from his own home and family. Perhaps your husband has been smothered. Also your mum and he could have had rows without telling you because they did not want to cause further friction, and his wanting to move is the result. I would discuss it with your Mum and see if you can improve their relationship. Your Mum would probably not want you to move either. Anyway, as I said it takes ages to move. All is not lost yet !

Great response on your part, Rokenswife
Next time tell him to Pound Sand and don't give it another thought...except maybe a little (more) emotional disconnection.

However, that this was so out of the blue unreasonable, I agree with los in that something must be behind it. Keep your eyes open, and observe whether or not things are really as they seem to be (regarding his fidelity and finances at least ).

OP, the crux of this is that if he thinks it's acceptable to wake up one morning and announce that you have an ultimatum and x WILL happen or he's going to leave... then the truth is that move or no move, happy or not happy, you simply don't have a marriage at all. Because if he can seriously think that's an ok thing to do, he doesn't love you, doesn't respect you and isn't part of a good loving family with you. So you might as well tell him that, pack his bag, say you're sorry that he's trampled all over the marriage and wave him off.

However, from your update, it seems that he was just trying to bully/frighten/punish you for something. Good on you for standing up to him. Now it's time to a.find out what the hell is going on in his head and b. tell him in no uncertain terms that the next time he pulls a stunt like that, his bags will be at the door and YOU'LL be the one deciding to boot him 4 hours away.

Rokenswife that's great news for the moment. Please do also think about the longer term - I'm sure he is. He hasn't got his way this time, doesn't mean he's stopped thinking about how to force your hand. Keep thinking about what you want and need, brush up on your finances, seek advice where you need it, be ready. Stay strong.

I agree with Bruno. He's behaved appallingly and just because he's deigned to 'change his mind' and stay doesn't mean everything should go back to normal. There's clearly something going on with him and he really shouldn't be allowed to get away with this.

OP don't be so relieved this crisis is over that you sleep walk into more

He may have 'changed his mind' now but what was bothering him will still be bothering him. You both got a lot of talking to do, this hasn't just gone away.

Glad things seem to have settled down.

Rather than some secret or even OW, was DH's sudden enthusiasm for moving far away deep down a kind of flight response to the possible diagnosis of ASD? Maybe he fears it is somehow his fault, or the community might judge he hasn't been a good parent.

The 'apron strings' comment may have been his way of saying he fears you can't detach from your parents because he doesn't make you feel adequately secure.