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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do?

85 replies

Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 06:30

My DH has suddenly decided that he's never been happy living here (the village we grew up in) and that he is moving away, 3-4 hours drive away.
I LOVE living here, my friends and parents (DH doesn't get on with them) are here and everything is being put in place for DS who has suspected AsD. He's basically said I go with him or that's it. My heart is breaking because I love him as much as when we married. I've tried to compromise by saying I would move a couple of hours away - that way I could still see my friends and parents but no, he has said it will be 4 hours minimum. What would you do? X

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 25/06/2014 09:17

I don't have anything new to add really, only that this would make me very suspicious.
I'm not sure of what though Thanks

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 09:23

There's my old room at mum and dads I can go to if I want. I don't want it to come to that. He says I don't care about him, about how unhappy he is here. He's 34. It's a long time to live in one place and to never have gone anywhere, I understand that. X

OP posts:
DorothyGherkins · 25/06/2014 09:26

I think most people 'who are never happy' with whatever, lack the capacity to be happy anywhere. If I were a partner, I d be so pleased to know you had family support in difficult circumstances when I couldn't be there to help out.

if he s never happy now, its unlikely he ll be happy four hours away -especially when he ll need to cope with the added stressyou being potentially unhappy in your isolated unsupported state.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/06/2014 09:31

He says I don't care about him, about how unhappy he is here
But what about how happy YOU and his DC are where you are?
So because HE is unhappy, he has to move you all away and make you ALL unhappy.
He knows you won't be happy away from your family and friends.
So as long as he is happy, fuck the rest of the family!
Where is the logic?
There is none - he has none.
There is something behind this. Not sure how you find out though.

CinnabarRed · 25/06/2014 09:31

Being unhappy living in a small village is one thing - rural life isn't for everyone (although I'm [hmmm] that he got to 34, married and with small DS with SN before he realised), but I'd lay everything I've got in my bank account that there will be at least a town with decent facilities within an hour of where you currently live.

I'd even have more sympathy if he's either raised moving away before, or had a properly costed and robust plan.

This smacks of arrogant, controlling, cowardly cockery.

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 09:37

I'm truly truly gutted. This wasn't how it's supposed to be. Marrying him was the best day of my life.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 25/06/2014 09:44

Don't be forced in to a decision not of your choosing. I think you'd be crazy to move so far for no discernible reason. If you want to, ask him for details - what town? What house? What finances? What childcare?

If it were me, I wouldn't move an inch. My interpretation is that he wants to leave you and has found a convenient way of saying so.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 25/06/2014 09:51

This is Shock

Would he consider counselling? Trying to rationalise the irrational I front of a third party may ficus his mind a bit

I mist say, I'm not one for thinking that something suspicious is always going on but there is something not quite right here.

LisaMed · 25/06/2014 10:15

Sorry, but this sounds like someone is threatening him that they will tell you everything. I don't know what that everything is, it could be gambling or similar, but it sounds like he is making it impossible for you to keep in close contact with anyone in your village.

Personally I would prioritise your child and stay where the child is supported, but that is easy for someone to say that is not in your position. Good luck.

lavenderhoney · 25/06/2014 10:17

Before you up sticks and move everything- 4 hours is almost a country move! And you'd find on the overseas section here the same issues!

Why doesn't he try to find a more interesting job, or train for something? Find a purpose in life. Because you will have to support each other emotionally with no one else there- and your ds. This ie very hard. Especially as you will be so isolated and financially insecure.

You will all only have each other. And what about when you chat on the phone or have new friends round? Move again? People won't come and visits unless they can stay. Mess up their weekends. Practically its a mad thing to do, you've tried it once and moved back anyway.

If he wants to go, let him. He can't drag you and your ds round the country chasing rainbows. You'll be desperately unhappy as you don't want to go and will see all too clearly you shouldn't have left. The risk is too great. Why put yourself through it for someone who states he is going anyway? Its unfair and quite cruel.

Quitelikely · 25/06/2014 10:26

I think you should call his bluff. I doubt he will go but it's telling that he won't even accept your compromise of an hour away.

The support of your family and friends with a young child is priceless. I should know because I live away so I have none!

Where are his family?

DorothyGherkins · 25/06/2014 10:27

If he s self employed and he can contemplate working four hours away, why doesn't he work away during the week, coming home at weekends, which is what many people do, rather than moving the whole family to a strange environment.

gottasortit · 25/06/2014 10:30

dig your heels in....deep...

my dsis had the same, except it was on the other side of the world...

her life was hell...

no family support...

let him go...

hang on to your emotional security, you'll need it...

Vivacia · 25/06/2014 10:42

I am also thinking of a relative who has supported her husband's every dream and desire where work and home are concerned. Her desire to be "supportive" has meant dragging herself and her children in to all sorts of ill-thought out situations, only to bounce to the next one because her husband gets away with having no responsibility to anyone but his own wishes. Makes me so angry to see her struggling and lonely.

Monopolice · 25/06/2014 10:54

What stupid idea will he come up with next? Will you go along with that one too?

Don't do it. You have your support network for you, and support in place for your DS (and trust me that's a battle you don't want to have again) - and he wants to leave it all on a whim?

Has he specified the exact place 4 hours away? It's all very well saying "ooohh I really like X town, let's move there, it's got all THIS going for it, I've looked into it and there's Y organisation that will help with DS and I found some work for me/you in Z" - but he's not saying that, is he? He's just saying "I want out of here, with or without you" which is not the same.

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 25/06/2014 11:00

I would think carefully. I agree with someone else that he is controlling you.
my dad did this to my mum when i had my daughter because he was jealous of our relationship and wanted her to himself. They are now over two hours away in the middle of nowhere. Unless you can drive and independant,i think its a decision to be made carefully.

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 11:01

Thanks everybody. I knew I wasn't BU. I'll have to see how things pan out. I've given him a list of places I will go to but told him if he suggests somewhere too far for me, we aren't coming with him. Part of me just wants him to bugger off. Part of me wants him to stay. Part of me wants to be brave enough to throw caution into the wind and go but I won't. X

OP posts:
trikken · 25/06/2014 11:10

Im worried you'd move and his behaviour would be exactly the same and you'd be stuck by yourself.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/06/2014 11:16

He not going "to" somewhere specific though is he. He just wants to be 4 hours from where you are now. I think he's running from something OP and if you go with him he won't even want you to come back for a visit. Be careful of the reformed bad boy thing too. People often revert to type.

Corygal · 25/06/2014 11:28

OP, it sounds as if in practical terms you and the DCs would be a lot better off if you stayed with your parents and not with him. Your DP seem to be more useful to you than he is - is that the case?

I can see that he's unhappy - he feels his house is not his own with family and visitors dropping in, he doesn't like anyone, and presumably work is not great either. That's absolutely fair enough. If you want to stay together, you could start by setting ground rules for droppers in, but it sounds like things have gone a bit far for that.

MorrisZapp · 25/06/2014 11:39

Does he know that if you move four hours away, you will make new friends, and will want to invite them round?

There's something very fishy here. Four hours is a long way away. Very odd decision out of the blue. Sounds like he's in trouble locally.

RainbowsStars · 25/06/2014 13:01

I would certainly say not to move, we moved (reluctantly) to an area where we knew nobody and had no family. Several years down the line we still know nobody other than a few people we know to say hello to in the street. I'd only have done it if the children were preschool age and could get to know people that way, if it had been possible.

Original poster
Rokenswife · 25/06/2014 15:52

I'm not moving. I've told him I'm not moving and I've chatted to my health visitor. He's apologised and has said he's staying now. But now I have doubts. I'll have to see how things go for a while before I make decisions. Found out today that DS is being referred for a multi disciplinary assessment which is good news.

OP posts:
trikken · 25/06/2014 15:59

Well done for standing your ground. I don't see what made him think being four hours away would make things better.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/06/2014 16:14

He's apologised and has said he's staying now

What an arse. He was seeing how far he could push you to isolate you.
Well done for standing firm and not putting up with it.

Agree - all you can do for now is see how it goes. Weigh up all your options and then take action if necessary.

So glad you don't have to move though. Phew!

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