Who was rude/unreasonable here? Friend problem.

[HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque]

I'm going to post this as neutrally as possible at first, hope that's okay, I just don't want my bias to influence the replies as I'm really not sure.

It involves friend A, B and C.

Friend A and B have been friends about 20 years, best friends about 10. Now live a few hundred miles apart, see each other maybe once or twice a year.

Friend B and C have been friendly for about 8 years, off and on.

Friend C was having a gathering in the town where friend A lives, friend B was going to come down to make a long weekend of it, see friend A and go to C's gathering. A and B make plans to spend saturday together and catch up.

Friend B is skint so friend C offers to lend/give money to B so B can book a flight and come up for 2 days/nights.

Friend B then says that they cannot spend day with A as planned, as because C paid for ticket it would be rude to ditch C for a few hours. Instead suggests A comes and spend a few hours with B and C altogether. A doesn't like C, so wants to stick to original plan and meet alone. B says no as C bought ticket.

Who is right?

Hope that isn't too hard to make sense of!

Argh, to spend Saturday with her.

Yeah, exactly. I had planned to take her out to some of my favourite new bars/restaurants that I talk about all the time but weren't here when she lived here, tell her my news, etc, but instead I spent it with a group of guys who sat and smoked all over me. Boak.

Also assumed she'd come to my house and meet my puppy, but she didn't even mention him!

That's not what a Wendy does. Wendies join established friendship groups and take over, pushing out one person in the process.

At what point did she change her mind? On the day?

Anyway, if it is how I am imagining YANBU to be disappointed that plans changed, I would be too, if I'm looking forward to getting 1-1 time with a friend and that changes I'm generally a bit put out. But I think from her point of view (how I'm imagining it) they were out having a great time and it was simple for you to join them and also have a great time which of course you would because they were having a great time and who wouldn't want to join in.

Tell us about your puppy.

Photo?

Hi, hope it's okay to post on this old thread. As I guess the back story above is relevant (or may not be!) and I don't think I could explain it all again.

Over the last year I've had a really crappy year. She's been absolutely no support whatsoever so I made my peace about a year or so ago that it's a complete one sided friendship where I'm expected to be there for her dramas, but she's not there for me. Fine. At least I know the score. I hear from her by text once every few months when she wants to talk about some massive non-issue of hers and I'll get a courtesy "how is [my DH's] medication being managed" thrown in at the end to pretend she's interested in my life. Even the way she writes that sentence, it's so impersonal. Just an example of how we are not close anymore.

So I got a text from Brenda saying she's coming to where I live for a long weekend next weekend. Her boyfriend (new BF, met him about 6 months after I started this thread) is working in the next city to mine so she's coming to join him when he finishes and they can spend a few days in my city (her old uni city).

He's not finished until the Saturday, but she's coming up on the Friday night and so she's looking for a sofa to sleep on that night and wants to stay with me. She arrives just after midnight Friday night.

I'm so annoyed. Am I right to be? Or am I too caught up in my feelings about her being a terrible friend? I don't want her here. It doesn’t suit, actually, but if it was someone I wanted to see I admit it wouldn't feel so inconvenient.

Do you want her there, would you like to see her? If you feel she is just using you ( in my opinion, she is) , tell her you have plans Next Friday and it doesn't suit to meet, simple as!

Just say you are busy. If its you giving and her taking, then I'd just stop giving.

Why can't you just say no?

You seem to have 'checked out' of this friendship and don't want to be dragged back in, you're not interested in calling her, texting, or seeing her and don't want her to stay with you so just tell her it's not convenient and maybe be honest and tell her your friendship has run its course.

Ooh I was reading your thread, noticed it was a zombie then thought "I hope it's been resurrected by the OP", and it has.

I don't think your feelings are unjustified at all. I'd tell her "sorry, it doesn't suit, have a nice time". You have no obligation to let terrible friends kip on your sofa.

Actually I wouldn't even say "sorry", just "it doesn't suit".

Anyway can't she stay with the generous Colin?

Honestly, no I don't want to see her. I'm too mad at her. I cannot believe how little she gives a fuck about me when I have spent years listening to her never-ending stream of woe-is-me.

And as if it's not been hard enough coming to terms with that realisation over the last year, the fact that she has suddenly got back in touch solely because she needs somewhere to stay that's free.

I'm a bit taken aback that she has the gall to ask. If I'd treated someone how she has, I'd NEVER then expect them to put me up for a night.

Boldly Generous Colin's wife has just had a baby. So I guess she doesn't have that option, and that's why Muggins here is being offered the pleasure of her company.

A needs to meet B with C or at C's party. It would be very rude of B to go and stay with C for two nights, allow her to pay for the ticket, then go off to see A for several hours of a 2 day visit. Staying two nights only gives her one full day, so spending half of it with A would really be using C, sorry if you are A.

"Why can't you just say no?"

There's no reason on God's earth why you should go along with her plans if they don't suit you. "Sorry, that's not working for me. Have a nice weekend and (maybe) see you another time". That another time may very well never come. At least, it wouldn't for me. You know she's only making use of you as it suits her, so why comply?

I get all of that, your hurt etc. We all do get it. What I don't get is why you can't just say no?

Tell her you already have plans so won't be able to see her
Cheeky fucker you can do without friends like that

See, this is the thing, they don't think like you, because they just don't give a fuck, IRS really that simple, stop upsetting yourself, chances are if she stayed with you Friday night, she'll hop off with the boyfriend next day and you won't see her for dust! Just tell her you are busy, pp is right, don't even apologise, but certainly don't go down the road of letting her know how angry you are with her, it will just give her fuel to bad mouth as a crazy bitch to friend C, funny how she isn't looking to stay in her place, maybe she's burnt her bridges there too.

Sorry, hadn't seen that this is an old thread, ignore the above. I don't think you're being unreasonable in the next installment- say you're busy and can't host this weekend!

Can you text back 'who is this?'

She's using you. And she sounds like a self absorbed cow to be frank. You don't need a friend like that.

Make an excuse. Tell her you're coming to my house for dinner that evening and you're staying over.

Lol Doreen

See if she'd texted saying "I thought I'd come down to see you so we could have a proper catch up, I feel like we haven't had a chance with everything that's been going on and I want to make sure you're okay. I'm planning on coming up with BF so how about we have lunch/dinner/coffee" then maybe I'd feel differently.

Because at least then she's acknowledging her shitness and making time to actually see me and talk to me.

But instead she just ignores that because it doesn't suit her agenda. I get the opportunity to give her somewhere to sleep. How much catching up are we likely to do between 1am and her leaving on Saturday morning at the end of a busy week of work (abroad) for me when I'll be wrecked?

I'm too worked up about this, I know.