If your DH or DP

[chockbic]

Went to punch you but didn't.

How would you react?

I'd dump him

Yes, I'd dump him.

This time he didn't.

What about next time?

Really?

I'm quite shocked I think

I know that has just crossed my mind

Well, I laughed at mine. He looked shocked before I laughed and even more so after I did.

In 28 years it has never happened again... it was a total aberration.

Not saying my experience is normal, inevitable or even in any way to be expected. But thought I'd get in before the LTBs arrive.

Chockbic. Once the thread has grown and you have read all the inevitable bile and vitriole, remember, only you know the whys and wherefores.... make the best choice for you.

Good luck sorting your way through it. I hope you can do so with as little angst as possible.

Went to punch me?

Seriously?

He would be gone.

I obviously type too slowly!

If you had known they were likely to do that (before you got together) would you have chosen to be with them?

If your hypothetical fault daughter came home and told you her partner had done that, what would your advice be?

Its not like him I suppose though he is a bit arsey and miserable normally

Did you duck and get out of the way...leave now
Did he hit something else or stop himself...then ask yourself why was he so wound up, if the response was out of proportion with the provocation...then leave now.

I once threw the Christmas tree at DP, he raised his hand, he stopped himself, it was the sort of flight or fight response you would expect from someone who had been attacked by a mad women with a Christmas tree. He has never reacted in this way since but then neither have I.

He clenched his fist and looked angrier than I've ever seen him.

I'm scared it might be worse next time we have a row...

I'd take the kids and go. Any indication of violence would be a deal breaker for me.

'I'm scared it might be worse next time we have a row...'

Yes. There you have it. And next time you have a row, you will modify your behaviour as in the back of your mind, you will believe that he could conceivably attack you.

Which is why - apart from the fact that a sane person does not want to be in an intimate relationship with a potentially violent person - other folk will say to leave.

He's changed your relationship.

I would leave. Unless it was something like I had gone totally insane and was attacking him and he panicked.

But I'm guessing this wasn't the case.

He clenched his fist... did that fist move towards you? Did he make any move in your direction?

What did he say and do afterwards?

You need to have those things clear too.

But I am guessing that if your abiding emotion is fear then there is nothing else to be said.

Oh dear lord
'he's a bit arsy and miserable normally'

I would go for that alone. Why the fuck would anyone chose someone arsy and miserable normally - without the pseudo-punching shite?

Any statement against DV is going to be read as "bile and vitriole" [sic], as there are loads of people personally investing in minimising, for their own reasons.

The answer's in your question. You found it distressing enough to come online to ask a bunch of strangers whether it's okay for your husband to shut you up with an almost-punch.

I'd guess there's a lot more going on though? Hardly anyone just clenches their fists out of the blue one day. What is the relationship like generally?

We don't know the background matilda, sometimes the sudden escalation from argument to wife and child beating monster on here gets very, very scary.

It isn't odd to want anyone to help someone who has gone through an upsetting experience to consider it from all sides before making a decision, deciding what to do about it.

I have no reason to persuade anyone to ignore real DV... but I do have reason to caution a small pause..... the almost rabid LTB reactions that appear here all too regularly are quite frightening as is their intensity and insistence that anyone who disagrees has 'motive' or is deluded and should be ignored/reviled.

OP has a need and that need is not to be pushed out of a door / relationship by strangers.

I don't know I need to think

Something's changed or died within me not sure

Well, no I haven't seen that here, ever. I have seen loads of people piling on in their own desperate attempts to minimise and make excuses when a woman dares to disclose DV. The saddest are the ones from women who've stayed with abusers--in another recent thread one of them had long justifications on why the law is actually wrong!

But back to you OP: really, the answer is in the question. At least get some time away from him so you can think clearly about what you want.

Always thought I would leave with physical abuse or threat of. Not so much emotional abuse

Its not that easy though is it?

No indeed.

I think it does help to have people to bounce your perspective off. You know it's wrong and it takes courage to even admit that. So pat yourself on the back for that.

It also takes courage to reach out for help and advice. So pat yourself on the back for that.

Maybe the next baby step is a call to Women's Aid?

Ultimately it doesn't matter which one it was; what matters is how you feel about it.

Yup.