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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If your DH or DP

83 replies

chockbic · 22/06/2014 16:26

Went to punch you but didn't.

How would you react?

OP posts:
Nomama · 22/06/2014 17:24

Really, matilda? Sadly, it happens quite a lot.

Chockbic.... not knowing what happened before and after, no-one here can help other than to 'listen' to you work through it. I am not asking for details, that would be intrusive, but do you know anyone in real life you can talk to? Someone who would not judge but would let you talk and think it all through and then support you in whatever you choose to do next?

I hope so. It helped me, even though my DH never made me feel scared. I was just disappointed and took some time to work it through. It took me a few days to talk it through with him... to be honest it was upsetting and changed our relationship for quite a while.

I hope you get enough quiet time to think it through.

chockbic · 22/06/2014 17:43

I dont have anyone to talk it through with.

OP posts:
matildasquaredy · 22/06/2014 17:51

Well, yeah, that's not uncommon at all. It's very isolating.

I can recommend calling the Samaritans. That sort of one-on-one help can be more supportive than a sort of haphazard internet-based free-for-all.

Lovingfreedom · 22/06/2014 17:56

The OP asked what others would do. I dumped a guy I really liked because he told me he had threatened violence to someone else. I couldn't take the chance for myself or my kids. So that's genuinely what I would do. Dump him. I'm not saying OP has to do the same as me though.

Pagwatch · 22/06/2014 17:57

Nomama

"Really, matilda? Sadly, it happens quite a lot"

What happens a lot?
LTB?
I never post LTB. I don't hold with women being asked to rationalise being frightened though. Thats a game changer for me.
Why would a woman stick with a man who frightened her?
Why would a man frighten a woman he loved?
I've never had to wok through that upsetting stage, a change in our relationship borne of thick, pointless aggression.
I'm not sure why sticking through that is a good idea. Why not just opt for a man who doesn't need to learn not to do it?

chockbic · 22/06/2014 18:02

I'm not especially saying that I'm easy to live with by the way or its all his fault in that sense.

He cheated on me before and I forgave him.

This is just different to that.

OP posts:
Nomama · 22/06/2014 18:05

No, pagwatch. The name calling of anyone who disagrees with a red flag/LTB call.

I have had a few of them... apparently I am 'one of those women' who excuses men all their 'ills'.

And if your last few sentences are about my posts, I haven't asked chockbic to rationalise it away, or to stick through it. But I HAVE said she needs to work through it for her own sake.

It is too easy to say opt for a man who doesn't.... when a woman is in such a position telling her that is pointless. She needs to be able to think it through and make a sensible decision - that is sensible for her and her alone.

If Chockbic thinks it through and decides her DH was intimidating and out of control then she can leave, throw him out etc. But we don't know the circumstances.... getting so het up about it and telling her he is a violent beast isn't helping her at all!

And then add to that the very real and human fact that we all make mistakes and it is very hard to live by the one misstep and you are out rule... I'd rather support any woman in such a circumstance to think and act coherently than exhort LTB in a knee jerk reaction to something that may have been experienced elsewhere, elsewhen.

chockbic · 22/06/2014 18:08

You know what the main thing is I now feel scared to have another argument in case he does lose control.

Maybe that's just being silly and I will get over that?

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 22/06/2014 18:12

Well I'm not sure what you were replying to as, as I said, I don't think I have ever posted LTB Confused

I haven't told her what to think. I have told her how I would view her experience. Which is exactly what she asked.

So I'm not sure what your point is.

chockbic · 22/06/2014 18:13

Please don't fight.

Let's have wine and cake and biscuits.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 22/06/2014 18:14

Chock

Two things stand out for me

1/ You are not happy
2/ He is not happy

Is this relationship going to go anywhere nice?

If yes stay, if no leave.

(I know that leaving is not as simple as that)

chockbic · 22/06/2014 18:16

Thanks Boney.

I asked him earlier what he gets from our relationship and he said stability.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 22/06/2014 18:16

If you feel scared to disagree then that is a dangerous and unpleasant situation to be in.

Nomama · 22/06/2014 18:16

Pag... I wasn't taking your posts as being those I was referring to... just that it seems to happen a lot here in general.

I am sorry if you read me as meaning you, personally...

chockbic no smiling now, that is not allowed. You must be much more upset than that. Are you feeling OK, maybe a little calmer now? I hope so.

chockbic · 22/06/2014 18:17

I am kind of numb calm.

OP posts:
matildasquaredy · 22/06/2014 18:18

Nomama, take your issues elsewhere.

OP, this is kind of what I mean about the haphazard internet format.

Feeling fear isn't "being silly." I mean, you feel what you feel. You don't have to justify it to him, or me, or anyone. What does it matter what some other person might or might feel? You were there, it's your life. You know what I mean? You could pack a bag and walk out today and you don't need to justify that to anyone.

matildasquaredy · 22/06/2014 18:19

You can look up "The Gift of Fear."

chockbic · 22/06/2014 18:19

Suppose I have never learnt an emotional gauge of what is acceptable behaviour or not.

Hence the question for others.

OP posts:
matildasquaredy · 22/06/2014 18:21

You've done nothing wrong here, by the way. People argue all the time. It's what couples do.

How is that going to work, biting your tongue each time you need to disagree/tell him off?

matildasquaredy · 22/06/2014 18:21

But in a way you have learned what's acceptable to you, right?

I mean, if you really believed it was acceptable we wouldn't be here.

chockbic · 22/06/2014 18:22

He can be quite controlling but in some ways I like that as it takes the pressure off me.

OP posts:
chockbic · 22/06/2014 18:23

Its probably not acceptable or ideal.

OP posts:
matildasquaredy · 22/06/2014 18:25

Yeah, well I see what you mean. If he were a complete monster to you from day one, then obviously you wouldn't have got together with him.

That's the thing with DV: the guy who threatens you is also the guy who [for example] nursed you through an illness, or cheered you on when you needed support.

It's still okay for you to just decide it's not enough for you.

weatherall · 22/06/2014 18:26

I wish I'd left ex when it was at this threatening stage instead of trying to work on things until I was seriously injured.

BertieBotts · 22/06/2014 18:27

But you saying that you're not easy to live with is a total classic line of abuse victims. In this case (if that IS the case) it's not that a person is difficult to live with in general. They are probably perfectly fine and pleasant to live with, it's just that they don't fit into every whim and opinion of their abusive partner. The thing is that it's this expectation which is unreasonable/unrealistic, not the behaviour of the so-called "difficult to live with" person.

Also this: "I now feel scared to have another argument in case he does lose control."

Is not silly at all, you shouldn't get over it. Is he horrified by what he almost did? Is he leaving, seeking immediate help? No? Then he feels somewhat justified. You are right to be concerned. Please, please listen to your instincts and do not allow yourself to brush this off. The problem is that your immediate reaction will be "I wish this had never happened". If he goes back to normal (perhaps a slightly sweetened version of normal) then it will be very, very easy and extremely tempting to brush it off - your brain will want to gloss over it and pretend that it didn't happen, or that it didn't matter, or you misinterpreted what you saw. This is the very very worst thing you can do - if you don't want to end the relationship, at the very least you need to talk about it and acknowledge that it happened and why and how he can assure you that it won't happen again. If you can't do that, then you have your answer about the relationship.

Here comes the second point. Hardly anybody leaves after a dramatic or violent incident unless it is so extreme that police are involved. It's so easy to slip into this minimising/wishing and hence pretending that it never happened or it didn't count, kind of thing, and doubly, the longer you leave it to take action, the more you feel silly or embarrassed. "Well, I didn't say anything/leave/tell anyone at the time so I can't do it now, they'll wonder why I was fine with it all this time. I'll look silly. They might not believe me (etc)." If you decide, ultimately, to leave the relationship, and if this is a catalyst, it's fine if the time you decide this is six months in the future. It's okay to take time to process it and decide, some time later, that it was not okay. My previous paragraph describes some mental conditioning which is extremely difficult to fight and it comes from fear. Just don't let the double dip of fear happen, if you need to leave then leave, you don't need to wait for the "next" dramatic incident - it's likely that even if the "next incident" is more severe you'll engage in the same mental process anyway.

Good luck. Sorry I have written my post with certain assumptions.

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