If your DH or DP

[chockbic]

Went to punch you but didn't.

How would you react?

He can be quite controlling but in some ways I like that as it takes the pressure off me.

Yeah, I hear that. And then it's also harder to think of leaving, right?

Chocbic, I'm 100% sure you're not always easy to live with--because NO ONE is!

Seriously, even my goldfish is a pain in the ass some days.

Ha I'm going to live with just a goldfish at this rate.

Bertie he has sort of apologised by saying it isn't like him. Also said that i wound him up.

And that he won't hit me.

Its just do I wait around and find out.

I've made it clear if he does hit me I will call the police.

So, okay, here's a healthy-relationship guide to normal/acceptable vs not. Just in some things, obviously.

Being difficult to live with. Everyone is difficult to live with to some extent. People in general are annoying and we're all different, we've grown up in different families, so you've got your ideas of how to do things and he's got his. Maybe one person thinks that it's best to wash up with a sponge under running water and the other thinks that's incredibly wasteful and it's better to wash up in a tub with a brush and a cloth. Neither is wrong but it's annoying to the other. Or, one person likes to have windows open whereas the other likes to have them closed. That kind of thing is the normal kind of annoying, other person thing. The only way to avoid this would be to live with one of your siblings. There is the second point of how annoying it is to live with someone! If you have siblings you probably used to fight and wind each other up on occasion, just because it's annoying to be in close proximity to somebody. (Although, if your siblings were full on violent, mean or cruel, then that's not acceptable in adult relationships)

All of these above things are fine. You compromise, or you studiously ignore the other's washing up method, or you have a silent ongoing, good-natured battle about which way to put the toilet roll, etc.

What is not okay - arguing, putting someone down, belittling, name calling. Bullying you into doing things "their way". It's not okay to expect someone to have no preferences or opinions or feelings of their own. It's not "difficult to live with" to have a different opinion or idea about how to do something or what to do or how to deal with a situation. It's fine, it's normal, he needs to accept you are a person too.

Do you want to share what the argument was about for an outsider's perspective?

Well good for you.

"You wound me up" isn't an apology--that's a threat. Which you know, right? Hence the unease.

He hasn't apologised at all then - he's basically claimed that it's all your fault and you've somehow pushed him into an action that isn't him at all.

BULL. SHIT.

Please don't wait around and find out. You're assuming that if he hits you it's going to be nice and clean and easy and you'll be perfectly able to call the police. What if you're not? What if he cuts off your access to any phones first, what if he hits you unconscious? Have you been hit by an adult (not a slap) before?

Look chockbic, I need to go now. I hope you can continue to reach out. I'll check in later.

You're NOT ALONE!

There's a line from Cormac McCarthy's The Road I remember at scary times. Do you know the story? There's this apocalypse going on and the father is dying, in agony thinking of his little boy being left without a protector. Then he has a sort of revelation: "Goodness will find the boy."

I just mean that where every you go, goodness will find you.

The most stupid thing...being on time for an appointment as he was late last time.

So I asked him to make sure he came back early enough..this is another thing..dragging him away from work.

He kept saying over and over..you're not listening..I will get back on time..

I did go on a bit about it.

Then I got mad and called him a #£%&

I'm not easy to live with.
My dh isn't easy to live with.
When dh is a pain in the ass do I go to punch him?
Well no, because that would mean I didn't care about him. Wouldn't it?

We both got angry in fairness

You get to be mad sometimes. Seriously, that's what people do.

I wouldn't like it if my husband swore at me or called me a rude name. I'd have every right to end the conversation, walk away, tell him not to call me that, even decide to leave, whatever.

But I wouldn't have the right to threaten him physically.

Its hard to explain he was talking to me like I'm about three years old.

I shouldn't have called him what I did though.

I don't know maybe in another lifetime I would leave.

Its about having the resources and emotional strength.

Well, you don't have to decide your whole life plan tonight.

Getting more info never hurt.

Maybe a call to Women's Aid, a call to Job Centre or a look at one of those benefit calculators to see what you might be eligible for.

Nomama, take your issues elsewhere

Oh, the irony.

Choc, how long have you been with DH?
Is this the first bad argument?
Have you had worse arguments?
How has he behaved before?
Do you normally name call each other?
Is he under more stress than usual?
Are there underlying issues in the relationship?
Has he changed in his behaviour recently before this incident?

We have been together for 20 years.

There has been a bit of bickering recently as I can hardly ever reach him at work. He accuses me of nagging. Yet when he tries to contact me he expects me to jump.

We don't argue much as I can't be arsed tbh. It usually ends with him saying I nag or am too demanding.

Like if I ask him to do something such as cut the lawn, there's the moaning and sulking to deal with first.

He's difficult to reach at work, has cheated before, got extremely angry and threatening when you called him on it. I know what occurs to me. Regardless of the clenched fist.

I don't hate him I feel sad at what our relationship has become.

We used to have some fun and laughter but things feel drudgy and stressed these days.

It sounds like you aren't happy anyway. Only you can read how his action was intended.

Personally, I left my ex-wife because she slapped me. I just don't find it acceptable. The only problem I have is that I only get to see my son, the equivalent of, 4days a fortnight.
Despite that, as much as it has caused me pain, I stand by my decision.

Choc, the difficult to reach at work, is this new, has he always been like it, was he like it before when he had the affair?

You have known each other for 20 years, you should know better than any of us whether he is ever likely to hit you, the fact that it has left you so shocked, shocked enough to ask for advice, seems to imply that you feel you no longer know him, that things are already very unhappy and that something has changed between the two of you. It would seem that the clenched fist is a symptom of something else.

The moaning, sulking and accusations of nagging, seem also to imply something. If your partner is never happy to do things that would please you, is avoiding putting in the effort needed at home and then accusing you of nagging, it maybe because he wants to find fault with you to excuse the way he is feeling. Taking all three behaviours together it implies that he is trying to silence you and denigrate you, and the answer to why, is the thing you need to know.

I think I've unwittingly fallen into a relationship similar to the one I had with my parents. So walking on eggshells, being careful how to ask for things. Not wanting to upset the atmosphere, that kind of thing.

Problem is, becoming far too reliant on him for some notion of emotional stability. Also physical and financial. I don't feel he treats with much respect yet in other ways he is caring.

Maybe the not being able to contact is a form of control, am not sure. It frustrates the hell out of me though.