Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Upset about DP's marriage

96 replies

LaceyLitch · 21/06/2014 18:10

So DP has been married for 4 years, separated for 2.5yrs. Says he never knew true love until me, that he was pressured from several angles to get married (she needed a visa, her family, social convention ect) and just thought it was the 'natural progression' relationships, but that he didn't really have a passion for it. She was his first and only long term girlfriend and from what I gather they didn't have the best relationship i.e.; very cold, no sex, no intimacy/cuddles/kisses, she never contributed to bills/rent, just generally took the mick out of him. I feel she was also slightly emotionally abusive to him by putting him down a lot about his looks and knocking his confidence, making him feel he was punching above his weight to be with her.

When they married they moved to the country and she left after a few months saying she was bored and left him alone saddled with rent for a whole house on his own in the middle of no where.

They tried to make another go of things with an extended trip to her home country but separated after he caught her cheating on him and uncovered she had cheated several times with numerous people. He filed divorce papers but after he could not get in contact with her (she returned to her home country) he gave up. I have tried several times to get him to get him to restart divorce proceedings but he just comes out with: its too much money, I wasted thousands last time, she won't sign as she is Catholic and she wont admit to cheating (I told him to change the reason for divorce), even if she would sign he doesn't know where she is/has no way of contacting her.

I feel like he just thinks he can ignore the situation and it will go away. The whole thing makes me very uncomfortable. I feel like I have a huge weight hanging over our heads. I also feel like he does not look forward to the possibility of being married again as this one has brought him nothing but trouble. He talks enthusiastically about moving into a family home and having children, something he said never crossed his mind with his wife, but when I bring up marriage he goes quiet.

For me being married is the no1 most important thing before having kids/house. I have always wanted to be married once I found the love of my life and best friend, which I have.

I have helped him by researching ways he can get divorced without her permission, I've even contacted solicitors. He says 'oh great, thanks for your help' sincerely, but then never acts on it.

I don't know what else I can do about it?

OP posts:

nespressofan · 21/06/2014 18:20

If he has been separated for 2.5 years, he doesn't need her consent to divorce. Not even her signature. So shouldn't be an issue. However, sounds to me like he's not ready to commit, perhaps after being hurt by ex.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 21/06/2014 18:20

I think I've read somewhere you can get married after five years' separation if the other party refuse to sign.

nespressofan · 21/06/2014 18:21

Sorry MYChild is right. It's 5 years not 2. Beg your pardon!

Quitelikely · 21/06/2014 18:22

I would drop it for a while. I think it was a traumatic time and he is trying to block it out. Yes I suppose at one point he should organise the divorce but maybe he just isn't ready to have it all pulled back up!

No point pressuring him. Listen when he tells you.

Gfplux · 21/06/2014 18:25

Perhaps he is using the fact that he is married as a shield so that he is not rushed in to a new marriage.
You may have to compromise to keep this man in your life.

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 21/06/2014 18:32

I understand what you're all saying and I have no intentions of him getting divorce through on Monday and our wedding on a Tuesday. I do understand his hurt and needs time but I would just prefer for him to be divorced. I made it clear when we were dating and he told me about the situation that I was not comfortable with it and that I practically felt like a OW so he understands I am not at ease/happy with it.

I don't know whether he has worries that I will want to marry shortly after divorce that hold him back from proceedings or if it is entirely him sticking his head in the sand. I think he thinks the time and cost of the whole charade is a lot to face and he would sooner just ignore it.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 21/06/2014 18:57

Has he actually said that he wants to marry you? I'm not trying to be mean, but it is a valid question under the circumstances.

I have a close relative who was married many years ago and divorced in a year. They have been with their long term partner for over 20 years now and have a child together. The partner would like to marry, but I very much doubt that they ever will because of my relatives reluctance. Once bitten, twice shy.

firesidechat · 21/06/2014 18:59

Does he know that you want to be married? Time for a hard conversation about what you both want, I think.

hilaryClinton · 21/06/2014 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/06/2014 19:48

If she can't be found surely he can't divorce her until 5 years is up anyway?

LBZT · 21/06/2014 20:06

I divorced my exH based on 5 years separation because he refused to allow a divorce, he had disappeared on me and I had no way of getting in contact but all you need is the marriage certificate(can always order a copy) and the forms and fee take them to the court and away you go. No stress not much money and takes a couple of months.

scottishmummy · 21/06/2014 20:13

Maybe he doesn't want to marry again,it's only been 2.5yr since they separated
Maybe he doesn't want to marry you,but you're not reading the signal.you're pushing your agenda
If he doesn't want to marry yet,are you prepared to delay having kids or will you start family unmarried

PoundingTheStreets · 21/06/2014 21:39

How long have you been together?

Have you said to him what you've said to us? That: For me being married is the no1 most important thing before having kids/house. I have always wanted to be married once I found the love of my life and best friend and have you laid out your expectations in this regard?

Neither one of you is in the wrong here (though I think he's a complete fool for not recognising the need to deal with his marriage, regardless of whether or not he has someone else he loves). However, your views are not remotely compatible, and either one of you has to compromise, or you decide it's too important and split.

It really is that simple.

I find that people often reassess when they realise that if they are still married to an X and have no will or otherwise legally named next-of-kin, their X is that person. So in the event of an accident involving life-support, the X gets to make the decision about turning off the machines. The same X who doesn't love you any more and stands to inherit all your worldly goods...

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 21/06/2014 22:15

He knows how important marriage is to me, we have discussed it and no I would not be happy to start a family without being married. I think for him he would be happy to do what firesidechats relative did and stay with me for 20yr but never marry. I absolutely hate the thought of this.

are you prepared to delay having kids? I am not pushing for kids, in my mind they are a good 8 or so years away, it's him that is always talking about kids and us leaving London together to start family life etc. I want things to stay how they are but be married in 1-2 years. I don't get how he can want such commitment but marriage is in some way too much. When we spoke about it he says he hates that he is still married and isn't making excuses but simply hasn't got the cash to start divorce proceedings again, which is true to an extent.

*Does he know that if he were to die that she would get everything, potentially costing him everything he owns.

Just because he doesn't know where she is, doesn't mean that she doesn't where HE is and that she won't come out if the woodwork ... At the worst possible time.*

This is the sort of thing that worries me too, she seems like she could be spiteful and conniving and would go out of her way to cause trouble. She used him throughout their relationship for her personal gain so I wouldn't put anything past her. Luckily he has no property/assets but has discussed with me putting his savings into mine or my mothers bank accounts when the time comes for him to divorce.

Just to add; she never contributed towards household finances because she said she sent the majority of her income home to help family in Brazil, he later found out she was using it to fund her own dream house back home worth at least 60K. I said if he could track down her address he could use that as a bargaining tool i.e. sign the papers now and I won't go after the house. He never would anyway (doesn't want the added hassle) but I thought it might help.

It all just gets to me as our relationship is AMAZING I never dreampt (sp) life could be so blissfully perfect everyday. I just don't know how I can get past possibly never getting married. I would not pressure him to propose or propose my self so it's all on him really.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 21/06/2014 23:15

Yes it is all on him.you're pushing for divorce,and closure.he isnt.
As much as you want to sort this,he for whatever reason isn't
Tbh,its not your role to get over involved in the ex did this,ex did that.its his personal stuff not yours

sykadelic · 21/06/2014 23:17

To be blunt:

Your life isn't perfect, he's married to someone else and doesn't want to get divorced. If he wanted to be divorced, he would be. He'd find a way. I'm sure your relationship seems good, he's making a lot of great noise, enough that you're ignoring the other woman in your relationship.

Is he legally separated? Someone else mentioned it above. Have you talked about how if something were to happen to him, and he's unconscious or whatever, she could stop you from visiting/seeing him... she's his wife, his next of kin? She could potentially make medical decisions etc if he can't.

Your suggestion of bank account/savings could be construed as hiding marital assets, and you and your mother would be a party to it.

Does "presumption of paternity" exist in the UK? I.e. if she gets pregnant to someone else, he's presumed to be the father because he's married to her?

You mention her not agreeing to adultery, so why doesn't he admit to it (after all, that's what you're doing).

I don't see a way forward in your relationship until he resolves this situation. You're essentially in limbo and that's not a good place to be.

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 21/06/2014 23:18

Okay scottish think you're being a bit harsh with me, I only added the stuff his ex did that he told me about so people could understand the situation and offer advice. I understand your opinion but don't think you can really help me.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 21/06/2014 23:19

Lacey,you and boyfriend don't see marriage same way.you want to marry.marry him
Hes not bothered...can you rub along dating and/or cohabiting or you want to get married
There is no the one.there are many who can/could be the one.you need to be sure he wants to marry you.if not go date someone who'll marry you

scottishmummy · 21/06/2014 23:22

I appreciate its hard to hear.its not harsh.its not your role to sweat the she did/she said
Of course you feel aggrieved for him,but realistically this all predates you
Stop getting embroiled in ex did,ex said.thats for him to sort.not you.and at mo hes not acting

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 21/06/2014 23:23

sykadelic

I don't know what it means to be legally separated so I am not sure. He put adultery and unreasonable behaviour as reason for the divorce because at the time he had not cheating (if you consider what we are doing now to be cheating).

I don't see a way forward in your relationship until he resolves this situation. You're essentially in limbo and that's not a good place to be. This pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to push him any more, I want him to do things off his own back but feel like I'm waiting in vain.

OP posts:

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 21/06/2014 23:27

There is no the one.there are many who can/could be the one.you need to be sure he wants to marry you.if not go date someone who'll marry you

Good point. God I am so confused. I don't want to lose my wonderful DP but if we don't have the same views on marriage etc I think I would be forever unfulfilled.

OP posts:

PoundingTheStreets · 21/06/2014 23:28

I think if I were in your situation I would call it all off. I would say that I had thought about it and knew that what we wanted was incompatible. That I understood where he was coming from and did not want to try to change his mind because I would not want him resenting me for forcing him into a corner. But as I would resent him for preventing me from achieving what I wanted in a relationship, I could see no other alternative but to call it quits, wish each other the best and move on.

You might find that it focussed his mind and galvanised him. Or it might not, but at least you'd be free to find someone who shares your outlook on a future together.

Life really is too short to waste it trying to change someone's mind about something. People don't change unless they want to or see a good a reason to.

scottishmummy · 21/06/2014 23:31

Yes its a problem.you're waiting in him acting,he wont act.you're left with nothing you want
Legal separation is done via solicitor.its formal and precedes divorce
Does he genuinely know how important being married is to you

SavoyCabbage · 21/06/2014 23:31

If it's that important to you that he pursue this and divorces his wife, and he won't do it, then you are going to have to break up with him.

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 21/06/2014 23:39

I feel like this borders on AIBU in wanting him to divorce and later re marry. I mean obv divorce is an absolute must before building a life together i.e. buying house, kids et all. Part of me thinks I should accommodate him and stay together without marriage but then I think, why should I give up on what I want?

It kind of seems like a case of what do I want more him or marriage, but it isn't that black and white.

He does know how important it is to me. When I first found out he was still married I almost called things off as I couldn't get over essentially being the OW. He knows how seriously I take the concept of marriage. I never imagined being with someone who had previously been married. It almost marrs any future marriage between us as I feel he doesn't really take it seriously after already being married once.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4