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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Upset about DP's marriage

96 replies

LaceyLitch · 21/06/2014 18:10

So DP has been married for 4 years, separated for 2.5yrs. Says he never knew true love until me, that he was pressured from several angles to get married (she needed a visa, her family, social convention ect) and just thought it was the 'natural progression' relationships, but that he didn't really have a passion for it. She was his first and only long term girlfriend and from what I gather they didn't have the best relationship i.e.; very cold, no sex, no intimacy/cuddles/kisses, she never contributed to bills/rent, just generally took the mick out of him. I feel she was also slightly emotionally abusive to him by putting him down a lot about his looks and knocking his confidence, making him feel he was punching above his weight to be with her.

When they married they moved to the country and she left after a few months saying she was bored and left him alone saddled with rent for a whole house on his own in the middle of no where.

They tried to make another go of things with an extended trip to her home country but separated after he caught her cheating on him and uncovered she had cheated several times with numerous people. He filed divorce papers but after he could not get in contact with her (she returned to her home country) he gave up. I have tried several times to get him to get him to restart divorce proceedings but he just comes out with: its too much money, I wasted thousands last time, she won't sign as she is Catholic and she wont admit to cheating (I told him to change the reason for divorce), even if she would sign he doesn't know where she is/has no way of contacting her.

I feel like he just thinks he can ignore the situation and it will go away. The whole thing makes me very uncomfortable. I feel like I have a huge weight hanging over our heads. I also feel like he does not look forward to the possibility of being married again as this one has brought him nothing but trouble. He talks enthusiastically about moving into a family home and having children, something he said never crossed his mind with his wife, but when I bring up marriage he goes quiet.

For me being married is the no1 most important thing before having kids/house. I have always wanted to be married once I found the love of my life and best friend, which I have.

I have helped him by researching ways he can get divorced without her permission, I've even contacted solicitors. He says 'oh great, thanks for your help' sincerely, but then never acts on it.

I don't know what else I can do about it?

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 21/06/2014 23:49

Can you see you're considering making all the compromise.he wont initiate divorce
Stay or go.up to you.but you and him aren't seeing this same way
And its completely immaterial to you what ex-wife was like.

PoundingTheStreets · 21/06/2014 23:49

How seriously do you think he feels about you?

I only ask because I know a few cases where there has been a similar situation to yours, and it seems to me that the not-yet-divorced partner who really loves their new partner suddenly discovers the motivation to make it happen. Those who don't and find themselves out of a relationship are often pretty quick to start dating again, and some seem very keen to get divorced for their new partners.

It's not always because someone's an uncaring twat. It can simply be because feelings just aren't as strong as they should be, or in some cases simply that the timing wasn't right and someone hasn't properly processed the breakdown of their marriage sufficiently before getting embroiled in a new relationship.

I don't know what's going on in yours, but I think you should ask the question and see what answers you get as it might help to find you a way forward. But don't accept expense. The world is full of people who can't afford things but somehow seem to find even more money than that when it's something vitally important to them.

Hakluyt · 21/06/2014 23:53

Lacey- I don't mean to be patronising- but are you very young?

Do you in why marriage is so important to you?

SolidGoldBrass · 22/06/2014 00:09

He doesn't want to marry you. As far as he's concerned, you are a Will Do For Now partner.

Either he's going to get bored with you nagging and whining about him divorcing his XW and marrying you, and walk away or he feels that the possibility that he will divorce her and marry you is something he can use as a doggy treat to keep you as a convenient domestic servant and sex partner and ensure your compliance by waving it about now and again.

NickiFury · 22/06/2014 00:16

My friend won't divorce his wife either. Because in his words "as long as I stay married to J I don't have to marry L, I've done all that, not doing it again."

Any chance this might be going on do you think?

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 22/06/2014 00:21

I am 22, he is almost 29.

Just had a talk with him. I said he knows how important him being divorced is to me from the start. If he truly wanted to be with me he would be divorced or at least taking steps towards it, money issues or not. He said little to nothing. I said we shouldn't be together if are views are so different. Not ultimatum just me not wanting to drag things out. He said it's my decision.

God I feel like a fool. This is so hard, I'm typing this crying. He is so good to me in every other way, but him not even fighting for us makes me feel like we had nothing.

OP posts:

BakerStreetSaxRift · 22/06/2014 00:22

How long have you been together, OP?

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 22/06/2014 00:23

He says he's never treated anyone the way he treats me. That I am the love of his life. That he wants to be with me forever yet at the first hurdle he just gives up? Have I been being mugged off all along??

OP posts:

BakerStreetSaxRift · 22/06/2014 00:25

X-post, sorry OP.

It just sounds like he just isn't really up for all of it. And that's okay, but it's better that you know more, rather then waste any more time on it.

You shouldn't need to compromise on something so important to you, certainly not at 22.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 22/06/2014 00:26

Actions speak louder than words.

scottishmummy · 22/06/2014 00:26

Sorry you're upset,but there it is,he's in no hurry to be divorced.or to marry you
As i said there is no the one.So much as it hurts now,you can meet someone else.if you want
Go date man who's not still married?

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/06/2014 00:31

I agree with everything Scottishmummy has said.

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 22/06/2014 00:33

Go date man who's not still married? I didn't know he was still married when we started dating. I get it I am a fool you don't need to/can't make me feel any worse than I do now.

I feel like I could crumple. I feel such an idiot.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 22/06/2014 00:40

Lacey,you got a bunch of ladies rooting for you.no one here to make you feel bad
In the here and now,you are dating man with no intention of divorcing anytime soon
You dont need his shite,the ex said,the ex did.find yourself,your confidence

NickiFury · 22/06/2014 00:41

Oh you're not a fool. But you are quite young and at a different life stage to him. He's shown his colours, you were deceived a bit not mugged off, there's a big difference.

WellWhoKnew · 22/06/2014 01:40

Hello,

The day that earth freezes over, will be the day my husband marries the (third) woman of his dreams.

Because marriage is a life long contract. It is a massive undertaking.

If you are prepared to make huge sacrifices to have him in your life, then he's living the life of riley. I would wish you all the best, but he's a little more educated than you.

Why is marriage important? Because it is a statement of fact that you wish to love, honour, cherish; no matter what; to death you part in the eyes of God (or the law)

In a lot of countries, but not ours, any commitment is considered a promise and the law defends a parent.

Here, the law only defends a wife.

I would suggest you talk to the former wife, so that you have an understanding of what you are pressing to marry. Because when you divorce, she is the knowledgeable other.

I say this, having forged a relationship with the first wife, because of their child.

I say this as the wife undergoing divorce through no fault of her own. Just like wife no. 1.

Do not take your DP's word as gospel. Life is full of interpretation.

By the way, I married for life. So did she. The commonality is....

Best wishes,

SolidGoldBrass · 22/06/2014 08:46

You are 22? Oh FFS you are far to young to be whining for marriage - your life is only just beginning and there is so much more to experience than washing some bloke's shitty pants and doing what he tells you. Your current boyfriend might actually have done you a big favour by not wanting to marry you.

Forget about relationships for the moment, go and have some fun, consider your career, travel the world, make some new friends. You are only 22. Don't waste the best years of your life worrying about how to make a man marry you.

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 22/06/2014 09:21

Sorry but I did not come on here to be sworn at or mocked. Different people want different things, that's life. I don't think there is any problem with me wanting to get married at 23/4. Even if I wanted to sack off my career to have kids and dote on my husband (which FYI I DON'T), then that's my decision and shouldn't be made to feel bad about it because there is nothing wrong with it. Are you always so judgmental?

OP posts:

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 22/06/2014 09:27

WellWhoKnew You had/have such strong views on marriage similar to my own. Did you genuinely think before marrying that he would take his (2nd) marriage as seriously as you? Because that was one of my worries.

Don't think it helps that his dad has been married 3 times and his mum 2. Sort of chucks the concept of marriage for life in the bin.

OP posts:

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 22/06/2014 09:27

So if he's been separated for 2.5 years, does that mean you've known him for less than 2.5 years? And you're already this obsessed with marriage? That's hardly any time at all. Perhaps you need to slow down a bit and give your relationship another couple of years or so before you start worrying about things like that.

If he doesn't want to get married again that's his choice. Not yours. Would you really want to force him into it? Would you want to be married to someone you had to force into it? Just doesn't sound very appealing to me.

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 22/06/2014 09:33

I have said several times on this thread I don't want to force him, I want him to do it off his own back. Yes I have been pushing for him to divorce but not to remarry.

I don't see what the problem with wanting to get married fairly quickly is? I don't want to be one of those couples who marries after 10 years because I genuinely don't see the point. I read thread after thread on here about people who have kids after a year or two, which is obviously a much bigger commitment and no one bats an eye, its the norm, but if someone wants to get married after a similar period of time they're obsessed?

OP posts:

MooncupGoddess · 22/06/2014 09:40

Well - if he's only 29 and already has one traumatic failed marriage behind him I can see why he's not rushing to get married again. You are just in very different places here.

coalscuttle · 22/06/2014 09:47

The thing is op, none if this matters - what his ex did or didn't do, what you think of marriage. The point is you want different things at the moment. Instead of working out how to get him to change his mind you just have to work out if you want to stay with him if he doesn't change it. Listen to what he is telling you. He is telling you he isn't about yo get divorced and remarry. The whys and wherefores are irrelevant. So is how his ex behaved.

Blondieminx · 22/06/2014 09:48

Lacey I am sorry you are having a rude awakening that this guy is just not that into you... But far better to find that out now, than waste any more time with him. The posters who have laid it out for you (perhaps a little more bluntly than you were expecting) are sharing their experiences of how some men behave, and trying to get you to open your eyes a bit. Sweetheart please don't waste any more time on him, you can and will do better. Cut your losses and move on.

WellWhoKnew that was a brilliant post.

magoria · 22/06/2014 09:50

I wouldn't believe everything he says. He was in a long term cold sexless relationship with someone who only married him for a visa/family etc?

If that is so why within a year and a half did she bugger back off to Brazil, so much for a visa, and the dream home she built out of his money?

Where did this money come from if he was busy paying all bills, rent etc?

Alternatively if you do believe she was all he says he was pressured into a marriage he didn't want but can't be bothered to trace her for a divorce to be pressured into another marriage.

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