Upset about DP's marriage

[LaceyLitch]

So DP has been married for 4 years, separated for 2.5yrs. Says he never knew true love until me, that he was pressured from several angles to get married (she needed a visa, her family, social convention ect) and just thought it was the 'natural progression' relationships, but that he didn't really have a passion for it. She was his first and only long term girlfriend and from what I gather they didn't have the best relationship i.e.; very cold, no sex, no intimacy/cuddles/kisses, she never contributed to bills/rent, just generally took the mick out of him. I feel she was also slightly emotionally abusive to him by putting him down a lot about his looks and knocking his confidence, making him feel he was punching above his weight to be with her.

When they married they moved to the country and she left after a few months saying she was bored and left him alone saddled with rent for a whole house on his own in the middle of no where.

They tried to make another go of things with an extended trip to her home country but separated after he caught her cheating on him and uncovered she had cheated several times with numerous people. He filed divorce papers but after he could not get in contact with her (she returned to her home country) he gave up. I have tried several times to get him to get him to restart divorce proceedings but he just comes out with: its too much money, I wasted thousands last time, she won't sign as she is Catholic and she wont admit to cheating (I told him to change the reason for divorce), even if she would sign he doesn't know where she is/has no way of contacting her.

I feel like he just thinks he can ignore the situation and it will go away. The whole thing makes me very uncomfortable. I feel like I have a huge weight hanging over our heads. I also feel like he does not look forward to the possibility of being married again as this one has brought him nothing but trouble. He talks enthusiastically about moving into a family home and having children, something he said never crossed his mind with his wife, but when I bring up marriage he goes quiet.

For me being married is the no1 most important thing before having kids/house. I have always wanted to be married once I found the love of my life and best friend, which I have.

I have helped him by researching ways he can get divorced without her permission, I've even contacted solicitors. He says 'oh great, thanks for your help' sincerely, but then never acts on it.

I don't know what else I can do about it?

Well neither am I...but I don't think the fact that he is still married is unsurmountable, that's all. Of course, it would be preferable if he wasn't...but there you have it.

It may be a simple case of biding their time until he can divorce without his ex's say so. In the meantime they can build their lives together just as well without being married.

I think you need to back off a bit to be honest. He has been through a difficult time and however happy he is with you he may not be ready to rush into another lifelong commitment just yet. As you say, she was his first long term relationship, 4 years married, 2.5 separated, and he's still young.

It sounds as though you are doing all the running around the facilitate his divorce, but that just smacks of you being a bit desperate to get him down the aisle yourself. You have plenty of time, let him sort out his own divorce in his own time. No good can possibly come of you forcing him into a corner.

When he feels ready to marry you and have children with you he will find a way to get his divorce soon enough, don't you worry about it.

I don't get it. You say you have been pushing him to divorce, but you are not in a hurry to marry or have children. So why push for the divorce?

I think he knows that if he gets divorced now he will find himself under immense pressure to marry you and have a baby pretty soon. I think he's stalling on purpose. Not because he doesn't love you, but because HE IS NOT READY.

Sorry if I've missed it but have you said how long you've been together yet?

Fell,your last point was so passive.he'll find a way?and what she just acquiesce,waits
The way he needs to find isn't some hitherto unknown,it's formal and via solicitor
What if she waits,and he's never ready?.in fairness hes not compelled to marry op or anyone

"He'll find a way" wtf?

So if she waits like a good compliant woman.at some stage he will "find a way" ..........

I'm betting less than a year.

SM No, not passive, but passive aggressive perhaps.

I don't care whether she waits or she doesn't wait. My point is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, and she needs to be honest with herself about what's happening here.

Of course I know exactly what 'way' he needs to find in order to make himself free, but he doesn't seem to be in any massive hurry, and the sooner she faces that the better.

At 22 she really should not be expending so much energy on running around trying to enable a married man to free himself, in order that she can marry him as soon as possible.

If the married man in question wants to be free HE WILL FIND A WAY TO FREE HIMSELF soon enough. Clear?

You sound like a guru saag aloo.he'll find a way.matrimony has a path,paneer is truth
Can't decide if you're taking the piss with all this he'll find a way stuff
He knows what to do,clearly doesn't have inclination to divorce

For what it's worth I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who was married to someone else.

For this alone I have sympathy for the OP.

OP, it depends on how he phrased it. I do understand his reluctancy to get married but if I was him I would want to sort out the divorce.

For those who knows about 5 year rule - if the husband disappeared (in another country let's say), how is the settlement of assets done?

I think you have misunderstood me SM. By 'find a way' I was being a bit facetious I suppose, I certainly wasn't suggesting in any soppy romantic way that she should be patient and not worry because if he truly loves her he'll find a way for them be together, true love conquers all, etc etc….

What I meant was, based on what she has said here…...

I have helped him by researching ways he can get divorced without her permission, I've even contacted solicitors. He says 'oh great, thanks for your help' sincerely, but then never acts on it.

I have tried several times to get him to get him to restart divorce proceedings but he just comes out with: its too much money, I wasted thousands last time, she won't sign as she is Catholic and she wont admit to cheating (I told him to change the reason for divorce), even if she would sign he doesn't know where she is/has no way of contacting her.

…….that he is making it sound as though he can't find a way. He's telling her on the one hand that he wants a divorce, but he's finding every possible excuse or obstacle, real or imagined to avoid actually going and getting one.

And then she said If he truly wanted to be with me he would be divorced or at least taking steps towards it, money issues or not. He said little to nothing. I said we shouldn't be together if are views are so different. Not ultimatum just me not wanting to drag things out. He said it's my decision.

And there we have it. He knows it's massively important to her, and yet he's calling her bluff. Maybe he doesn't really want a divorce for whatever reason, or maybe he just feels irritated about being bullied into it by the OP and is digging his heels in as a matter of principal - who knows?

I agree with pictish my parents are divorced and my dp is also a divorcee. We have still built a life and family together and marriage is really not on the agenda (too many other priorities).

However I understand op wanting her man to be divorced, and don't think she should compromise her values if they are important to her.

But at 22 op you are still growing yourself, I hate to sound patronising but there is so much still in front of you! Don't get bogged down in complicated issues when this is your time for enjoying yourself. If it's a new relationship you might find in a year or so you're not so keen on him anyway?

Stressing about this stuff will make you miserable. Try to relax and back off a bit. Enjoy the relationship for what it is, and if it grows and develops, great. If you discover he's actually not making you happy, do something about that. Time is a great educator!

kinky I completely agree with all of that. I totally understand why it's important for her for him to be divorced before she has a child with him, and I understand that some people just cannot contemplate having a child until and unless they are married. All fine. No argument from me there, if that's how she feels.

But she's pushing too hard too soon and he is clearly resisting it, whatever he might say to her. She says she is not in a hurry to have children - that they are maybe eight years off, so what's the hurry to marry?

So I've been doing a lot of thinking. I worked out the reason why I am so keen to be married is for stability. I didn't have any growing up (alchy mum, runaway dad) so crave it. I want to feel safe and secure and not like DP will just up and leave.

I have come to the realisation that I do not need to be married very soon to have that. We have been together just over a year and have been through LOTS in that time and DP has been absolutely amazing, stood by me supported me and showed me what an amazing person he is. I know he genuinely loves me and wants to be with me. He makes every day magical and special and treats me like a princess. I am not prepared to give up the life we have together over over-worrying about the future. I want to be with him for life and he feels the same. Whether marriage is on the cards or not in the future is something we can deal with then. If things are meant to be between us then we will find a way that we are BOTH happy with.

Like I have said, I don't want kids for a good 8 years or to buy property for 5+ so we are in no rush. I would still prefer for him to be divorced though but I will be dropping the subject for the foreseeable and letting him get on with it alone at his leisure.

Thanks to the majority of people who have given me realistic but polite advice (others I feel have forgotten there is a real person with feelings on the other side of the computer screen).

He makes every day magical and special and treats me like a princess

Based on this, I think waiting a few years before marrying would be a VERY sensible idea.

Lol this board is so negative, it's like lets pick out the bits to make me seem like a dick.

I am not thinking marriage is a fairytale where everyday I get treated like a Disney princess. I am simply saying at the moment during the last year and a bit the day-to-day is wonderful. I get that we are in the honeymoon period and as you settle in to a long term relationship things aren't magic everyday. I am just saying right now I am incredibly happy and not willing to mess it up by thinking to far into the future.

If anyone fancies taking a negative spin on that or wants to make me seem like an immature kid feel free. I am really sick of trying to justify myself on here.

Darling, you don't seem like a dick, not at all. At the risk of sounding patronising you are just young (though hardly a child) and impatient and hopelessly in love - nothing wrong with that at all. I understand the need for stability but believe me, a marriage certificate will not give you that. Perhaps because he knows how much you crave it, he wants to save you from yourself a bit, and stop you rushing into something that you may both regret later. A year is really a very short time to be together. some people stay together for ever after a year, but most don't. There really is nothing to lose and everything to gain from waiting a while.

I think this thread has been difficult reading for you, but ultimately useful and I'm glad you've come to the conclusions you have.

I agree with fellreturneth.

From your two most recent posts, I would advise putting the brakes on a bit - you are pushing things forward for the wrong reasons.
Marriage doesn't stop anyone who wants to leave, from doing so. Getting married will not ensure your security.

You are 22 years old, and I have to tell you that who you are and what your priorities consist of now, will change as you mature. I am a very different kettle of fish at 38 than I was at 22. Incidentally, I was your age when I started seeing my husband, so I know it can work out long term, but quite honestly, if I'd been as preoccupied with getting a ring on my finger back then, as you seem to be, I think my now dh would have run a mile.

There is plenty of time for all of that yet...and I suspect your boyfriend is being evasive about the divorce because he feels uncomfortable with the pressure you are putting on him to make a lifelong promise to you because you are insecure.
He is right to proceed with caution.
Back off a bit, and when the time is right for both of you, I am sure he will take the steps required to make it all happen.

In short, chill out and enjoy the ride. x

Not trying to be negative or make you sound like a dick. But using the words magical and princess to describe this relationship will make you seem a little unrealistic, even if your feet are very firmly on the ground.

It's great that you're so happy - long may you continue to be so. Just don't fall into the trap of thinking that a marriage certificate will give you the emotional security you say you crave, because it won't. Emotional security and stability comes from trust, understanding, partnership - being on the same page. And that stuff takes time, and a big dose of realism.

If this man is indeed the right one for you, forever, you have no reason to rush. Hope it works out.

Thanks for coming back Lacey,I think the advice has probably been hard to read.i get that
Be mindful Marriage won't fix things,or give you security it not relationship fairy dust
You are looking to future,that's why you wrote the post?you're willing to compromise lots,he's not even taking trip to solicitor?

It all reads very one sided you'll do this,you'll do that...because you love him
Sort out the significant things,eg he gets divorced.if he doesn't want to,or doesn't act that's telling you something
Connecting with a partner,getting them,them getting you is best feeling in world.just make sure you're both equal,both open and able to feel your opinion matters