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Original poster

Upset about DP's marriage

96 replies

LaceyLitch · 21/06/2014 18:10

So DP has been married for 4 years, separated for 2.5yrs. Says he never knew true love until me, that he was pressured from several angles to get married (she needed a visa, her family, social convention ect) and just thought it was the 'natural progression' relationships, but that he didn't really have a passion for it. She was his first and only long term girlfriend and from what I gather they didn't have the best relationship i.e.; very cold, no sex, no intimacy/cuddles/kisses, she never contributed to bills/rent, just generally took the mick out of him. I feel she was also slightly emotionally abusive to him by putting him down a lot about his looks and knocking his confidence, making him feel he was punching above his weight to be with her.

When they married they moved to the country and she left after a few months saying she was bored and left him alone saddled with rent for a whole house on his own in the middle of no where.

They tried to make another go of things with an extended trip to her home country but separated after he caught her cheating on him and uncovered she had cheated several times with numerous people. He filed divorce papers but after he could not get in contact with her (she returned to her home country) he gave up. I have tried several times to get him to get him to restart divorce proceedings but he just comes out with: its too much money, I wasted thousands last time, she won't sign as she is Catholic and she wont admit to cheating (I told him to change the reason for divorce), even if she would sign he doesn't know where she is/has no way of contacting her.

I feel like he just thinks he can ignore the situation and it will go away. The whole thing makes me very uncomfortable. I feel like I have a huge weight hanging over our heads. I also feel like he does not look forward to the possibility of being married again as this one has brought him nothing but trouble. He talks enthusiastically about moving into a family home and having children, something he said never crossed his mind with his wife, but when I bring up marriage he goes quiet.

For me being married is the no1 most important thing before having kids/house. I have always wanted to be married once I found the love of my life and best friend, which I have.

I have helped him by researching ways he can get divorced without her permission, I've even contacted solicitors. He says 'oh great, thanks for your help' sincerely, but then never acts on it.

I don't know what else I can do about it?

OP posts:

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 22/06/2014 09:51

No of course there's nothing wrong with getting married young. Get that and kids out of the way nice and early and get on with life! But you are still young and you could afford to wait. He obviously doesn't want to discuss it at the moment so I would just wait and see if he comes round to the idea.

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 22/06/2014 09:51

You are just in very different places here.

I think that may be the crux of the matter. I assumed we had a future because he is always taking about it. He wants us to leave London ASAP, move to the country (I don't want to live in the country I would prefer suburbs of a big city) and start a family. I want life to remain how it is now, but with him divorced, latter marry, possibly with me going back to school part time.

When I write it down it appears very clear cut that we don't want the same things. Oh it's so very confusing.

OP posts:

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 22/06/2014 09:53

She built the house with her own money. He paid all the bills etc cause she said her wages were going back home to help her family.

OP posts:

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 22/06/2014 09:56

Apparently she wanted to stay because she had two of her sisters here but they went back home before her. I suppose none of it really matters. I don't know the full story and don't think I would really care to.

OP posts:

jaynebxl · 22/06/2014 09:57

Maybe since you don't want to marry immediately either it would be worth just enjoying the relationship for a while, dropping the whole subject and just working out if you both really do want to be together long term.

Hoppinggreen · 22/06/2014 10:02

Has all this info you have had on the wife just come from him?
It could all be total rubbish, or even just spun his way, you have no idea unless you have heard what happened from other sources as well.
Why are you so obsessed with marriage at only 22? Maybe you will get married one day, either to this man or one who is actually willing and able to marry you but there is no rush.

Aussiebean · 22/06/2014 10:09

I don't think people are critising you wanting to get married at this age. I think they are questioning you wanting to marry this man.

By telling you you are young I think they are tying to point out that you don't need to rush into marrying this man who has proven that he doesn't actually want to marry you. And that you shouldn't rush because you think there is no time. Whether that applies to you or not, it is worth keeping in mind.

For what it's worth, I thought I would marry the man I was with at 20. Thank god he didn't want to marry me. As, with hind sight, I have a much better man.

Original poster

LaceyLitch · 22/06/2014 10:15

Don't think he has lied about what he has told me about his marriage. The only thing I doubt is that he was not really into getting married and that it was entirely down to pressure. I mean no one proposes and gets married unless they actually want to, at least in a small way right?

Can't explain why I am 'obsessed' with marriage as you put it. I am not after getting married, I am after getting married to the right person and I thought I had found him and that the feelings were reciprocated. He says he wants to be with me forever, have children etc. Would he say all that if he was really just not that into me?

OP posts:

Hissy · 22/06/2014 10:26

How long have you been together?

I wonder if you can see how manipulative you are trying to be? He's already had (allegedly) one woman badger him into something, and here you are, trying to badger him OUT of it.

I get the sense that you are doing this to make him prove to you and the world, that you are THE NUMBER ONE in his life.

You are perhaps inexperienced in relationships and haven't grasped the real concept of marriage. Or perhaps you have a Disney version of it.

Marriage is something that costs money to get into, and money to get out of. It's a promise between 2 people. Yet to undo it, even when on an amicable basis, is emotionally draining.

He's been burned before, and there's no guarantee he won't be burnt by you.

At 22, things are often very black and white, but life isn't.

His marriage/divorce isn't really any of your business atm. If she won't divorce him now, he can apply to divorce her anyway in 2.5yrs. Until then he can't do anything.

If you can live with that, and see what happens in 2.5 yrs, and then wait to see IF he wants to do all that again (he very well may not) that's when you make your decision.

If however you can't wait, and won't carry on as things are, then it's best if you move on.

I'm guessing this is a relationship started relatively recently, if that is the case yabu to make demands, he'd be more than justified in binning you as you aren't being supportive/understanding, you're bullying and threatening him from the off. Doesn't bode well, especially with his past relationship form. He desperately needs some self belief and confidence.

Aussiebean · 22/06/2014 10:30

I get it. I would not have kids Or buy a house with someone without that level of commitment.

I may have missed where you said how long you have been together. But sometimes in the first flush of love you can be certain you will marry someone. But that fades with time or as you get to know each other better. Personally
I always thought you should never make a huge commitment with someone until you have had a full year with them. Then you can see them in most situations and are able to gage what they are like in a fight or under pressure.

In this case I think that fact that he didn't get a divorce straight away is suspect. Even if you weren't around, he should have got a divorce. Why wouldn't you? I have known a couple of girl friends who have dated men that just haven't got around to getting a divorce. None of them lasted.

And yes, he may want to spend the rest of his life with you. But not enough to fight for you or to give you want you want... Marriage.

magoria · 22/06/2014 10:32

I hope you can see where I am coming from with the next bit.

If he were already paying all the bills, rent etc while her money went home then he was paying all bills etc on the place they rented in the country. So when she left his bills would have gone down slightly as he was no longer paying for her food, heating etc.

scottishmummy · 22/06/2014 10:36

It's Not confusing in least Lacey.you and him want different things,he's not want to marry you
You can't agree on location to live,he won't progress the divorce.significant stuff
All your posts are centred on him,how you'll compromise,how you'll accommodate him.he's not accommodating you

pictish · 22/06/2014 10:37

Hmm...I'm another that doesn't relate to your strength of feeling about being married. You're 22...and while there's nothing intrinsically wrong with thinking it's important, I do think you're too young to be worrying about it so. It's not the be all and end all of relationships you know, and you certainly don't need to be married to start a family or buy a house.

I'm going to go against the grain in fact, and say if I were your dp, I'd feel backed into a corner by your insistence about its importance. I would even go so far as to say you're being too intense about it. No wonder he's fobbing you off and being evasive...you sound obsessed!

kaykayblue · 22/06/2014 10:37

Hi LaceyLitch

I think if you have been clear that you want the POSSIBILITY of marriage to be in your future, and your boyfriend still won't consider divorce, or even speak about it, well...he is giving a clear sign about how he sees your relationship with you.

I disagree with the other posters here by the way. I don't think that you are "obsessed with marriage". If you are going to be in a long term relationship with someone, then you want to know that it is going somewhere. For many people, that "somewhere" is marriage. And I don't think it's stupid to want to be married before buying a house or having children. I don't think it's a necessity but it is pretty sensible.

Your partner is not even leaving that option open. It is categorically unfair for him to make you feel like the other woman. He wants to have his cake, and eat it too.

There is no point in staying with this man, and I'm really sorry to say that. If you want marriage, and he isn't even prepared to be legally single, then the relationship is going nowhere. You shouldn't have to sacrifice principles that are important to you for a relationship - especially something as fundamental as this.

pictish · 22/06/2014 10:39

OP - my dh and I had a child and bought a house long before we got married. Imo those two things are a far greater commitment than marriage.

You can't get out of having a child or paying the mortgage after all...unlike a marriage.

scottishmummy · 22/06/2014 10:47

Belief that marriage is important isn't problematic in itself
but if the desire to be married isn't shared that is problematic.in your case,he's not in agreement
Prior to marriage you need to date,explore boundaries as a couple,what are your values eg faith school,will you return to work ft or pt,how will finances be managed

Before marriage,you need to establish compatibility.and you two aren't there yet

SolidGoldBrass · 22/06/2014 11:07

You're gagging to marry him, yet you don't want the same sort of lifestyle?He wants to live in the middle of nowhere and you are not so keen? This is a really, really bad idea, OP. This relationship is not right for you. As we have said more than once, you are far too young to be this desperate to make a man commit to you (and being desperate for commitment is bad at any age.)

scottishmummy · 22/06/2014 11:12

Desperation of any sort is grim.no man,no Marriage will fulfil you.you fulfil yourself
If you two were compatible you'd agree where to live,how things go.but you don't
I'm not dismissing marriage but it isn't relationship fairy dust.it won't make things right

weatherall · 22/06/2014 11:25

You are incompatible.

Time to step away from this relationship.

At 22 it won't be hard for you to find someone else who will want to marry you.

Don't waste your 20s with this man.

mynameisred · 22/06/2014 11:31

pictish
"OP - my dh and I had a child and bought a house long before we got married. Imo those two things are a far greater commitment than marriage."

I agree with you, but would you have been happy to have a child and buy a house with someone who was still - legally - married to somebody else?

LIZS · 22/06/2014 11:39

For me being married is the no1 most important thing before having kids/house. I have always wanted to be married once I found the love of my life and best friend, which I have.

I have helped him by researching ways he can get divorced without her permission, I've even contacted solicitors. He says 'oh great, thanks for your help' sincerely, but then never acts on it.

Read that back . He is happily allowing you your fantasy but has no intention of fulfilling it, sorry. Maybe he'll never bother with marriage again , or maybe he is just being lazy. Either way he doesn't sound in any rush to make a commitment to you as you hope.

zipzap · 22/06/2014 12:27

Why not ask him to sort out a legal separation as mentioned earlier?

It's not asking him to get married again but it's a step in the right direction and would at least help you to feel like you are technically not the OW. Plus it would take rights away from his ex.

If he agrees then it's a step in the right direction and you can take that as a good sign to help you decide if you want to continue with him. On the other hand if he doesn't even want to do that then it's not a good sign for how he is going to be up for changes in the future if he doesn't want to make this relatively small step now (ie formalising the split without going for a full divorce yet).

pictish · 22/06/2014 12:28

mynameisred - under the circumstances of the OP's, yes I would.

Put it this way - if that was the only issue, it certainly wouldn't stop me from building a life with the man I loved. Lots of people build new lives with partners who are seperated, but not yet officially divorced.

pictish · 22/06/2014 12:33

But then...I'm not arsed about the supposed sanctity of marriage. People walk away from their marriages all the time.
Try walking away from a mortgage though....

mynameisred · 22/06/2014 12:49

it's not so much the sanctity of marriage and all that,
I just thought that there were legal complications if your partner is still married to somebody else, next of kin in case of a serious accident, who inherits etc. etc. and that would make me hesitate to start a family or buy a house with someone still legally married. But then I'm not an expert ...

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