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Original poster

Is it possible to let police know about harassment without making a complaint?

101 replies

OhSoFuckedUp · 21/06/2014 07:30

Namechanged for this as EXDH knows my log in.

I need some hypothetical advice please! I was wondering if it was possible to 'log' harrassment type incidents with the police without actually making a formal complaint/ having them caution or warn him etc?

I split from DH last year and started seeing someone new a couple of months ago. Since EXDH found out we have gone from having a very amicable, friendly split to one where I'm beginning to feel a bit unsafe tbh. He has hacked into all my online accounts, stalked me at the end of my road, got one of his friends to try and visit NewGuy at work (!!) and just generally been very very weird. I thought things had been okay the last couple of weeks after we had a proper chat and I explained he was on the verge of me having to stop all contact (with me not the DC) but then got an email from apple on Wed saying 'I' had signed up to a new device with my username/ password. I asked him about this and he said he was just playing at trying to hack into my stuff, that he found it fun/ a challenge, that he wouldn't do anything even if he managed and generally made it all into a bit of a joke. I told him I wasn't comfortable and he promised he wouldn't do it again.

Well, last night I went to NewGuy's house. After Thursday I wanted to see if he was going to stop with the weirdness so I lied and told him I wasn't seeing NG and was going out with friends instead as I wanted to see if he would somehow 'know' I was actually with NG and I would know he'd been stalking me iyswim (sorry if this is v hard to follow!).

On the way there (literally just before the turning to NG's house, he passed me in his car. He doesn't live very near but is feasible he may have had to drive that way for whatever reason. So that freaked me out a bit to begin with. Now NG's house is quite exposed and open plan, lots of glass windows etc. Around 11.45 we were fooling around on the sofa for a bit then went upstairs. At midnight the doorbell went. It took us a bit to get clothes on (sorry Blush) and then when NG went downstairs no-one was there. He checked all around the street, in the garden etc and nothing. It really scared me tbh as I was thinking it was EXDH and it took the harassment to a new level really. Then, around 1.30 when I went to go home, my tyre had been slashed Sad.

Now, the problem I have is this; I actually don't think EXDH would have done that to me. It's not his style and I just struggle to believe he would. I rang him and he was up (driving), said he'd been with XYZ friends all night and was going home now (I can believe this tbh). He swore on our children's lives it wasn't him. He encouraged me to go to the police in the morning, said he'd pick me up etc. It was NG's EXDW's birthday yesterday so the other possibility is that she came round v. late, saw us on the sofa and flipped. But equally NG doesn't think it's her.

So basically (apologies for epic post) I have no evidence of anything really. Im still not convinced it was EXDH last night tbh, Im really struggling to believe it so I'm loathed to have him be warned even in an informal manner by the police as I'm too aware that he can hurt me (childcare/ financially etc) a lot more than I can hurt him. But, I am getting scared Sad.

Is there any way I can somehow tell the police about this in a confidential way so it's there on record and if it does escalate I've made the first steps?

OP posts:
pod3030 · 21/06/2014 07:40

I would phone 101 and get it logged,

i am different in that my ex assulted me and i let them know about any threatening texts etc and they put it on my file.

From what you've said, i would guess that he partly believes it's not him, because his motivation isn't revenge, it's to get your attention, be involved in your life again ( he said he'd pick you up to go to police etc).

Ring 101 and get advice, and yes, keep a record of all the incidents

Birdsgottafly · 21/06/2014 07:43

Yes it is.

I had incidences logged last year, I phoned my local Police number and asked advice and they asked me if I wanted a follow up call to my ex.

These incidences were verbal abuse, shouted from a car, phone calls and sitting where I would be.

He had been violent in the past and I was advised to log everything. I was given crime numbers for each incident.

The Poilce said that this meant if anything serious happened it would show that it was premeditated.

Birdsgottafly · 21/06/2014 07:45

Just to add, my ex always offered to take me to the Police station, even when he had committed an offence, it is a usual tactic of abusers.

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/06/2014 07:48

Yes you have to log this and yes it probably is him.

If you don't log it you will be starting from scratch when he ramps it up.

CatKisser · 21/06/2014 07:48

Log it all. This sounds deeply creepy. Log the car incident and if ex mentions it, say they're reviewing the CCTV of the street so luckily it'll be sorted soon.

KarlWrenbury · 21/06/2014 07:50

start keeping a log

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 21/06/2014 07:53

I would be thinking of getting a hidden camera arrangement of some sort so you have evidence.

Zaphire · 21/06/2014 07:55

If your scared then definitely call the police. It is not right for him to be following you and certainly not right for him to be committing fraud. Saying it was just a bit of fun is rubbish, he is doing to get your attention good or bad. I would stop contact with him, do all your contact via email so if he is "weird" you have proof and can see for yourself how much this is occurring. I did this with my ex and he refused to do email for a while saying I only wanted it so I had proof of his actions! Errrm yes that's the point. You should never be scared, it's not right. If he wont do and continues after you have asked him to stop, it is harassment and you don't have to put up with it.

Petrasmumma · 21/06/2014 07:58

Another in support of keeping a log and speaking to the Police.

Original poster
OhSoFuckedUp · 21/06/2014 11:42

Sorry for the late reply and thanks for your advice.

It was him. I finally got him to admit it after a long, long, long series of questions.

I've reported it to the police but before I knew it was him. I've logged all the other stuff and got a crime reference number. I can't press charges or anything (I really can't) but not sure what to do from here tbh.

He's fucking up my life and the life of my children and treating it as a bloody game. He had a smirk on his face when he admitted it and described it as 'childish'.

OP posts:
CatKisser · 21/06/2014 11:53

He's fucking up my life and the life of my children and treating it as a bloody game
Yet you won't press charges.. Apologies, OP, but men like him are dangerous and need to be dealt with by the police.

magoria · 21/06/2014 11:57

Why can't you tell the police it was him and have him dealt with legally?

Petrasmumma · 21/06/2014 12:54

Please press charges. You are not helping yourself, him or any of his future relationships by not doing so. Statistically, this sort of behaviour escalates.

It's tragic when you read in the press that someone assaulted or killed their ex partner and despite it being reported to the Police, the Police did nothing. The fact of the matter is this: Police can't actually do anything unless you make a statement and press those charges.

What would it take?

AnyFucker · 21/06/2014 12:58

Why not press charges ? That'll wipe the fucking smirk off his face. He is doig this because he knows he can. So, stop letting him get away with it.

Nomama · 21/06/2014 13:06

Yes, why not press charges? He has admitted it, he owes you for a replacement. Call the police back and tell them exactly what he said and how he viewed it.

Let them deal with him!

Don't do the 'no, I can't, for the kids sake', he isn't thinking that. Don't own his shitty behaviour, give it back to him.

Didyouhearmeontheradio · 21/06/2014 13:08

Police can give "words of advice", first off, without pressing charges,etc. Then they can issue a PIN (Police something Notice) which the recipient has to agree to (sign) warning that if they keep up the harassing behaviour they will be prosecuted - this is still an informal thing, but should start to let him see it's not fun and is a crime. The police can also flag your address/phone so they know to respond quickly and appropriately to any calls (even if you don't speak). They can issue alarms/cameras if appropriate. They have Domestic Abuse Officers who can advise you. All of these things are there to help you. Please get in touch with them for help. It's ok not to think of pressing charges YET. You may change your mind down the line. You owe it to your kids, and to new guy too, even if you can't see that you owe it to yourself.
Good luck. xx

wyrdyBird · 21/06/2014 13:18

Please speak to the police again. He's testing the waters to see what you'll put up with.

What he did wasn't childish, it was malicious, criminal damage.

If you don't treat it seriously, he may move on to something else. Sorry OP.

kalidanger · 21/06/2014 13:27

You have to realise you can't manage him, OP. He's happily going way beyond the bounds of what is normal behaviour and he's relying on you to keep him out of the serious trouble he fully deserves to be in.

I know through my own experience that involving to police to protect me is a big step. I'd never spoken to a policeman for anything other than, uhm, friendly reasons before but I was being harassed by my ex. And harassment is a crime. And crimes are for law enforcement to deal with, not me and not you.

So I empathise. But it'll be OK. The police were great. It's not that scary and you could, and should, tell them everything and stop protecting your horrible and mad ex.

Good luck Thanks

magoria · 21/06/2014 13:46

I have thought more about this and the tyre slashing is scary. What will be the next thing damaged by a knife etc if you just let him carry on?

Hissy · 21/06/2014 14:17

If some Fucker slashed my tyre i'd have to call out an emergency tyre fitter and it'd cost me £hundreds. I don't have a spare, only a useless can Angry

"Someone" is targeting you. I would strongly suggest that you report this as it will escalate if not dealt with sharply.

If it's not him, then you'll know. If it is him, then you'll be able to protect yourself.

Report this. It could save your life.

bluntasabullet · 21/06/2014 14:35

You REALLY need to report it to the police. He had a knife and slashed your tyres for crist sake!!

You didn't think it was him, and it was. So you have no idea what he's capable of. How can you be certain he is safe with your children? How can you be certain he won't take the knife to you or NG?? Report it all now.

DenzelWashington · 21/06/2014 14:59

Honestly, speaking as someone with personal and professional experience of harassers/stalkers, the ONLY tactic that works is consistent, absolute non-engagement.

Stop contact. Give him an email to use for arrangements regarding the children. Don't answer calls, don't speak to him, try and have a third party do child handovers etc. Don't engage with apologies, threats, explanations or complaints.

And if he does anything else, complain to police, ask for a harassment warning to be given. If there is a repetition, press charges.

All very well saying you won't when he's slashed one tyre. If it gets to the 15th tyre, will you still say the same? If he threatens you, or new guy, or new guy's ex, will you still say the same? (I know you will read this and say he won't do that, but you said that about the tyre).

Put a firm boundary in place, and enforce it ruthlessly, as it is the only way to be free of his shit.

Original poster
OhSoFuckedUp · 21/06/2014 15:22

Thanks for your posts. I know where you're all coming from and I fully understand as I'd be saying the same thing myself in your situation.

Here's the thing. We were married almost 7 years and never in that time did he lay one finger on me, he was never aggressive, financially abusive, emotionally or anything. He was a kind, gentle and soft natured man. We ended amicably and had a great friendship for the first 6 months of our split until just a couple of months ago when I started seeing NG. I'm worried he's having a nervous breakdown tbh.

This afternoon things have taken (yet another) turn in the soap opera that's becoming my life. He came back and this time was very apologetic. He said he wanted to tell me everything he's done (I had asked him to) so that would be the end of it. Turns out what I knew about is only the tip of the iceberg. He's been stalking me for 2 months, has broken into NG's garden every time I've been there, just sitting, watching us. Yesterday we sat in the garden and he was just behind the house wall... He could recite back the entire conversation we had as he was so close. He watched us all night, when I left the house in a taxi he was up a bloody tree (FFS) watching. Every time I've been there, he's been there, watching me. It's so so fucked up. Sorry, my sisters on the phone, I'll come back and finish the post in a half hour.

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 21/06/2014 15:33

Behaviour like this often is the tip of the iceberg..

If you saw your ex as kind, gentle, and soft natured, it sounds as if you didn't know everything there is to know about him. No genuinely kind and soft person would lie to you so easily, and act in such a malicious manner. The stalking behaviour is extreme.

He is not having a breakdown, and you are at risk. Please, you need to tell police what you know.

notapizzaeater · 21/06/2014 15:35

He needs stopping - this is not normal or healthy

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