Is it possible to let police know about harassment without making a complaint?

[OhSoFuckedUp]

Namechanged for this as EXDH knows my log in.

I need some hypothetical advice please! I was wondering if it was possible to 'log' harrassment type incidents with the police without actually making a formal complaint/ having them caution or warn him etc?

I split from DH last year and started seeing someone new a couple of months ago. Since EXDH found out we have gone from having a very amicable, friendly split to one where I'm beginning to feel a bit unsafe tbh. He has hacked into all my online accounts, stalked me at the end of my road, got one of his friends to try and visit NewGuy at work (!!) and just generally been very very weird. I thought things had been okay the last couple of weeks after we had a proper chat and I explained he was on the verge of me having to stop all contact (with me not the DC) but then got an email from apple on Wed saying 'I' had signed up to a new device with my username/ password. I asked him about this and he said he was just playing at trying to hack into my stuff, that he found it fun/ a challenge, that he wouldn't do anything even if he managed and generally made it all into a bit of a joke. I told him I wasn't comfortable and he promised he wouldn't do it again.

Well, last night I went to NewGuy's house. After Thursday I wanted to see if he was going to stop with the weirdness so I lied and told him I wasn't seeing NG and was going out with friends instead as I wanted to see if he would somehow 'know' I was actually with NG and I would know he'd been stalking me iyswim (sorry if this is v hard to follow!).

On the way there (literally just before the turning to NG's house, he passed me in his car. He doesn't live very near but is feasible he may have had to drive that way for whatever reason. So that freaked me out a bit to begin with. Now NG's house is quite exposed and open plan, lots of glass windows etc. Around 11.45 we were fooling around on the sofa for a bit then went upstairs. At midnight the doorbell went. It took us a bit to get clothes on (sorry ) and then when NG went downstairs no-one was there. He checked all around the street, in the garden etc and nothing. It really scared me tbh as I was thinking it was EXDH and it took the harassment to a new level really. Then, around 1.30 when I went to go home, my tyre had been slashed .

Now, the problem I have is this; I actually don't think EXDH would have done that to me. It's not his style and I just struggle to believe he would. I rang him and he was up (driving), said he'd been with XYZ friends all night and was going home now (I can believe this tbh). He swore on our children's lives it wasn't him. He encouraged me to go to the police in the morning, said he'd pick me up etc. It was NG's EXDW's birthday yesterday so the other possibility is that she came round v. late, saw us on the sofa and flipped. But equally NG doesn't think it's her.

So basically (apologies for epic post) I have no evidence of anything really. Im still not convinced it was EXDH last night tbh, Im really struggling to believe it so I'm loathed to have him be warned even in an informal manner by the police as I'm too aware that he can hurt me (childcare/ financially etc) a lot more than I can hurt him. But, I am getting scared .

Is there any way I can somehow tell the police about this in a confidential way so it's there on record and if it does escalate I've made the first steps?

Listen, the cause of his behaviour is much less important than the effect. You don't suddenly have to stop protecting yourself from it because it's caused by his nervous breakdown.

Please don't engage with the drama of why, just tell him clearly what you expect him to do and not do and the consequences if he carries on with the stalking.

And bear in mind, this is a confession designed at least in part to frighten you with what a resourceful stalker he is.

It's so frustrating for me as I'd be saying the same thing as you! I'm not weak, at all, I'm really not, I'm just struggling with weighing up the benefits with the positives here.

DH has a job which means he's going through MOD clearance ATM. Any blemish on his record will wreck his career. I'm a nurse and work silly shifts in a workplace that's very unsupportive of working anything other than very silly shifts so if he stopped looking after the children I'd be genuinely stuffed and have to give up my job. I won't let him do that to me.if he takes another step out of line I'll report him and press charges without question. He knows this and knows I'm serious about it. I WILL follow this through. Not just stalking but anything, more hacking, being in places he shouldn't be, turned up at the house, anything.

I've set proper boundaries in the sense that he used to put DC to bed at my house when I was on my silly shifts (sometimes midnight or 2am finishes) which now he can't do. I've got my key back.

You need to report all of this now and have him spoken to.

You often find when women are finally attacked they have had lots of incidents like this happen and either log It and ask the police not to take it further or they don't log it.

The reason is immaterial, as is the fact that he has always been a kind gentle man, the fucker is stalking you and you are letting him get away with it if you do not take immediate action.

If he thinks none of these things he has done are serious what next?

Denzel actually I do believe this is true in a sense. He even told me things he was planning to do in the future (in a bid to stop himself from doing them now I know) that are unbelievable. Like installing cameras/ tapping equipment etc. He has the resources to do this.

I am listening to you all I promise.

FFA he has used a knife on your car, he is behaving like a seriously crazy person, whether it makes you rife easier or not he should not be anywhere near your kids at the moment and fuck his job, that is his responsibility to thin about not yours. He knows that you are over a barrel on this aspect of things so is merrily thinking he can get away with it and you won't report him.

That's FOR FUCKS SAKE not FFA!

This is extreme. Talk to police, please. New Guy isn't safe either.

If any blemish would wreck his career prospects then maybe you should say you're going to the police about him and the prospect may make him stop.

What he is doing is creepy, unhinged and very disturbing.

He may hurt the kids to get at you, or take them stalking with him. Or leave them alone while he chases after you.

And I know you will probably be reading this thinking he wouldn't, but all you now know is how little you truly know about him. You need alternative childcare, fast. He has escalated from friendly ex to Milk Tray Sociopath with frightening rapidity.

I have no concerns about my children at all.

I was wrong in my OP, it wasn't a knife that was used it was a nail I think to let the tyre down or just the valve let out I'm not sure. When I posted this morning I hadn't seen the car in daylight (couldn't change it in the dark so got a taxi back and sorted it today.)

You really should report him. This doesn't sound like the actions of a calm and gentle guy. maybe he is having a breakdown but whether he is or is not, he shouldn't be behaving like this.

Keep records of all harassment. Change all your passwords to completely random things he won't be able to guess and try to limit contact with him to official channels. Having long conversations where he gets you to eke out all the weird stuff he's being doing isn't good for either of you.

and report him to the police!!

The thing is, he knows he's going through MOD clearance and a blemish will wreck his career. He's taking a calculated risk and behaving like this anyway. He DECIDED to do that. Whatever it does to his career. He thinks it's worth the risk to upset you.

If he gets MOD clearance under false pretences, this won't do anyone any favours (to put it mildly). And you and your DC will be at more risk because he knows you won't speak out.

You've set your boundaries, but please speak to police anyway.

I have no other childcare. If I had concerns about their welfare I'd give up work in a heartbeat (no childcare runs 24h a day sadly) but I truly don't. It's hard to explain as he looks like a giant nutter when it's all listed like this. But he's a good father. Has never been aggressive or abusive or manipulative towards me before, compared to many he was a good husband. I feel like he's just gone a bit mad with the realisation that we're finally over.

^^ and yes, no more long conversations. It's better to cut contact to a bare minimum.

Sweetheart I think you are unsafe atm, the children and NM too

Please go to the Police again, tell them all you know; do what if ExH has an Important Job

Wrt your job/silly shifts, well, I think you might have a very good case for temporarily immediately stopping work, finding one with more suitable hours a priority

Yes, I think you're right, I know enough now that I don't need any more long conversations with him about things.

I am worried about NG. I will break things off tonight (which is clearly what EX wanted anyway!)

I have told the police, they will come and take a statement but I'm not at the stage of perusing anything ATM. I think I've set clear boundaries and literally one more light step out of line and I'll press charges.

Lots of people think their exes wouldn't do X and it turned out they really would.

He hacks into your stuff and you believe his ridiculous explanation.

He sends someone round to spy on your new boyfriend.

He is checking up on you as he knows you were lying.

He damages your tyres after making a nuisance of himself.

Hell yes, you need to phone the police.

Now read following posts

I am so sorry you are going through this but it was obvious it was him. No more contact with him. Log everything and be very careful about letting him have unsupervised access with the children. Lots of mothers have lived to regret trusting their pissed off exes with their kids.

Tough shit if his job is affected and the fact you might get less maintenance is NOT an excuse to do nothing. This man has made my blood run cold. You have a duty to protect your children and you must log everything. You can't trust him and would be stupid to do so.

He IS NOT a good father. A good father would not treat his children's mother like this.

Why are you breaking things off with your new boyfriend? Why are you giving your ex what he wants?

Why are you letting him do one more thing before you press charges? That one more thing could be catastrophic.

Just to clarify, maintenance is not an issue, I could cope without the money he gives me either way. Please don't insinuate I'm putting my children at danger so I can buy luxuries, nothing could be further from the truth