Is it possible to let police know about harassment without making a complaint?

[OhSoFuckedUp]

Namechanged for this as EXDH knows my log in.

I need some hypothetical advice please! I was wondering if it was possible to 'log' harrassment type incidents with the police without actually making a formal complaint/ having them caution or warn him etc?

I split from DH last year and started seeing someone new a couple of months ago. Since EXDH found out we have gone from having a very amicable, friendly split to one where I'm beginning to feel a bit unsafe tbh. He has hacked into all my online accounts, stalked me at the end of my road, got one of his friends to try and visit NewGuy at work (!!) and just generally been very very weird. I thought things had been okay the last couple of weeks after we had a proper chat and I explained he was on the verge of me having to stop all contact (with me not the DC) but then got an email from apple on Wed saying 'I' had signed up to a new device with my username/ password. I asked him about this and he said he was just playing at trying to hack into my stuff, that he found it fun/ a challenge, that he wouldn't do anything even if he managed and generally made it all into a bit of a joke. I told him I wasn't comfortable and he promised he wouldn't do it again.

Well, last night I went to NewGuy's house. After Thursday I wanted to see if he was going to stop with the weirdness so I lied and told him I wasn't seeing NG and was going out with friends instead as I wanted to see if he would somehow 'know' I was actually with NG and I would know he'd been stalking me iyswim (sorry if this is v hard to follow!).

On the way there (literally just before the turning to NG's house, he passed me in his car. He doesn't live very near but is feasible he may have had to drive that way for whatever reason. So that freaked me out a bit to begin with. Now NG's house is quite exposed and open plan, lots of glass windows etc. Around 11.45 we were fooling around on the sofa for a bit then went upstairs. At midnight the doorbell went. It took us a bit to get clothes on (sorry ) and then when NG went downstairs no-one was there. He checked all around the street, in the garden etc and nothing. It really scared me tbh as I was thinking it was EXDH and it took the harassment to a new level really. Then, around 1.30 when I went to go home, my tyre had been slashed .

Now, the problem I have is this; I actually don't think EXDH would have done that to me. It's not his style and I just struggle to believe he would. I rang him and he was up (driving), said he'd been with XYZ friends all night and was going home now (I can believe this tbh). He swore on our children's lives it wasn't him. He encouraged me to go to the police in the morning, said he'd pick me up etc. It was NG's EXDW's birthday yesterday so the other possibility is that she came round v. late, saw us on the sofa and flipped. But equally NG doesn't think it's her.

So basically (apologies for epic post) I have no evidence of anything really. Im still not convinced it was EXDH last night tbh, Im really struggling to believe it so I'm loathed to have him be warned even in an informal manner by the police as I'm too aware that he can hurt me (childcare/ financially etc) a lot more than I can hurt him. But, I am getting scared .

Is there any way I can somehow tell the police about this in a confidential way so it's there on record and if it does escalate I've made the first steps?

Op I've just read the whole thread.
I really feel like you are hanging on to the idea of the man you used to know.
If you met a man now with this stalker behaviour would you let him near your children? I think not.

If he is going through a mental breakdown- again, why would you let him near your kids?

I appreciate your employers are not family friendly with your shifts, but maybe if you outline what's happened, how you have reported it to the police and you no longer have 24/7 childcare, can you please do day shifts til you get something else sorted? Maybe that would work?

Your description of his behaviour is chilling. What is next?

Either you report the whole lot to the police or he will keep going. And I dread to think what he's capable of.

If your friend told you all this was happening to her- what would you advise her to do?

I certainly did not, not want to, imply you would put money before your children's well being. I said it as there was bound to be someone who would shout about no job = no money so you should stay quiet about his abusive, controlling, illegal behaviour.

I'm with WyrdyBird on this. Sorry, this is classic manipulative behaviour.
You're making excuses for him, also quite normal but not the right thing to do. I'd let qualified people at the MOD assessment centre decide whether his behaviour is justifiable...you're too close to be objective.

I have a police officer (DH) sat next to me reading the thread. He couldn't advise you more strongly to report him.

Why did you separate if he was a good husband?

This will not end well for you, op

Absolutely, I agree minty.

But I was just trying to say that perhaps he wasn't as good a husband as she thinks.

Why are you breaking things off with your new boyfriend? That's silly - that's about you and your life, and it's nothing to do with your Ex who you're seeing now.

Stalking is a serious matter, and it has to be reported. If it fucks up his MOD clearance, so what? That's his problem, he made the choice believing that you would let him get away with it.

Don't break up with your BF just because of this. Tell him what's going on, let him make the decision to stay or go.

Minimise all contact, supervised visits only with the children, and get advice from the police on how to keep yourself safe.

This is very chilling. He knows what he is doing. And it is questionable as to whether he should be allowed MOD clearance. I'm sure the mod would be very interested in what he has been up to.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/9565378/Tyre-slashing-manslaughter-inquiry-launched-after-pharmacists-fatal-car-crash.html

Sorry I cannot link properly. This lady had her tyre slashed, police believe they were deliberately punctured. The poor lady tragically died. Your ex did put your kids at risk. If you hadn't noticed for whatever reason, like the woman in the article didn't notice, you and you dc's could have died.

He is a bad father and a dangerous man. He risked your life because you pissed him off. Report him.

And don't split with new bf if you like him. Then your ex will feel justified in his actions. It's hard to report an ex, I know, you feel guilty as if they are your responsibility. However slashing your tyre shows that he feels that he can ruin your things and endanger your life.

Sorry op, but after reading that article and seeing the pic of the car in the metro, I don't understand how anyone could put even someone they hate in that situation.

You are going to let him get MOD clearance when he is evidently unhinged? And you are going to break it off with your new man because he is stalking you? So what exactly is the point of any of this? You will just do what he says no matter what anyone else thinks.

If he needs MOD clearance to do some important job, and he's having a nervous breakdown, then surely the MOD should be made aware of that.

OP I suspect what he's told you is nothing like the whole truth about the extent of his stalking ( and it is stalking, at the more serious end of the scale) He could quite easily get a prison sentence if it went to court. I'm not sure why you'd give this man sole care off your children.

And why on earth would you split up with your new boyfriend? Surely that's just playing into the hands of your ex?

I don't understand why you are not absolutely terrified op!

You think he's doing all of these things because he's having a breakdown of sorts but he's ok to look after the dc?
Where are they btw while you're with NG and he's up a tree?
(Not judging but I assumed if you were out then it was because the dc were with their df).

Yy to changing locks/passwords/checking passports etc are still safe.

Can you afford cameras at your house?

Honestly, I'm scared reading all that!

Did he say why he did it? Considering it was an amicable split!

OP, it seems pretty unbelievable that you would 1) break off with your boyfriend because he wants you to 2) believe that a man like this deserves to be allowed some sort of security clearance and works for an agency responsible for keeping people safe 3) leave your kids with him unsupervised when he has told you what he is capable of

I have no concerns about my children at all

But you had no concerns for yourself either up until now !

I would be very very concerned for your children and yourself.

You are being completely niave OP. You do not know this man well enough to make a judgement call, he has admitted stalking you for months, slashing your tyres, and hacking your emails and accounts and because of childcare issues, you don't feel that you can take action?

Wake up for fucks sake.

Please listen to the advice on this thread. It really sounds like he isn't taking the split as well as you thought. He's not acting rationally and it is likely to get worse.

Report him. Change your locks, passwords, pin numbers. he is being u reasonable and scary.

youre letting him dictate your life by splitting with your new partner - why is this? Is he frightening you?

You seem to be reacting as he hoped: staying dependent on him, planning to shape your life so nothing sets him off again. Really, really don't. These people usually get worse, regardless of how you placate them.

OP - you're in control here. Any decisions you make are yours, not just because MN told you too! What might help you decide your next move is to get in touch with the National Stalking Helpline They won't insist you do anything but will listen and help you get your head straight about what all of this means.

Reading your last (unfinished) post really shocked me. This is a really, really frightening situation. Your ex is unhinged and could possibly do unspeakable things next.
You, your children, friends and other members of your family are in danger.
There is only one course of action for you......do it.

Found this checklist you might want to have a look at.

You could have driven the car without noticing the flat, or it could still could havwe a bit of air in it and would have been incredibly dangerous to drive. You could have been killed and killed other motorists/pedestrians.

You have to report him to the police. A man this unhinged shouldn't have MOD clearence.

Also what mintyy says about him putting spywear or cameras in seems very likey.

I think this is one of the most frightening things I have actually read on here.