Is it possible to let police know about harassment without making a complaint?

[OhSoFuckedUp]

Namechanged for this as EXDH knows my log in.

I need some hypothetical advice please! I was wondering if it was possible to 'log' harrassment type incidents with the police without actually making a formal complaint/ having them caution or warn him etc?

I split from DH last year and started seeing someone new a couple of months ago. Since EXDH found out we have gone from having a very amicable, friendly split to one where I'm beginning to feel a bit unsafe tbh. He has hacked into all my online accounts, stalked me at the end of my road, got one of his friends to try and visit NewGuy at work (!!) and just generally been very very weird. I thought things had been okay the last couple of weeks after we had a proper chat and I explained he was on the verge of me having to stop all contact (with me not the DC) but then got an email from apple on Wed saying 'I' had signed up to a new device with my username/ password. I asked him about this and he said he was just playing at trying to hack into my stuff, that he found it fun/ a challenge, that he wouldn't do anything even if he managed and generally made it all into a bit of a joke. I told him I wasn't comfortable and he promised he wouldn't do it again.

Well, last night I went to NewGuy's house. After Thursday I wanted to see if he was going to stop with the weirdness so I lied and told him I wasn't seeing NG and was going out with friends instead as I wanted to see if he would somehow 'know' I was actually with NG and I would know he'd been stalking me iyswim (sorry if this is v hard to follow!).

On the way there (literally just before the turning to NG's house, he passed me in his car. He doesn't live very near but is feasible he may have had to drive that way for whatever reason. So that freaked me out a bit to begin with. Now NG's house is quite exposed and open plan, lots of glass windows etc. Around 11.45 we were fooling around on the sofa for a bit then went upstairs. At midnight the doorbell went. It took us a bit to get clothes on (sorry ) and then when NG went downstairs no-one was there. He checked all around the street, in the garden etc and nothing. It really scared me tbh as I was thinking it was EXDH and it took the harassment to a new level really. Then, around 1.30 when I went to go home, my tyre had been slashed .

Now, the problem I have is this; I actually don't think EXDH would have done that to me. It's not his style and I just struggle to believe he would. I rang him and he was up (driving), said he'd been with XYZ friends all night and was going home now (I can believe this tbh). He swore on our children's lives it wasn't him. He encouraged me to go to the police in the morning, said he'd pick me up etc. It was NG's EXDW's birthday yesterday so the other possibility is that she came round v. late, saw us on the sofa and flipped. But equally NG doesn't think it's her.

So basically (apologies for epic post) I have no evidence of anything really. Im still not convinced it was EXDH last night tbh, Im really struggling to believe it so I'm loathed to have him be warned even in an informal manner by the police as I'm too aware that he can hurt me (childcare/ financially etc) a lot more than I can hurt him. But, I am getting scared .

Is there any way I can somehow tell the police about this in a confidential way so it's there on record and if it does escalate I've made the first steps?

Can't you get whoever was looking after the children while you were at NG's and ex up a tree to look after your children while you work?

I'm sorry but I find so much of this literally unbelievable.

My ex came to the police with me to report the offensive and frightening texts I was getting. The policeman said look closer to home as them starting out of nowhere was very bizarre. He was alluding to it being my ex. It was. Ended in a non molestation order and dux months of hell. Jealousy does strange things to people.

Apologies. Should have RTFT

Thanks for your posts, I've read them and taken them on board. Fwiw I have logged the incident with the police, they were really nice about it all.

I'm not really in a place to deal with the tough love I'm being dealt on here ATM but I'll come back in a few days and re read.

Sorry, to clarify, EXDH lives with his mum ATM so he is relatively free to come and go as he pleases once the girls are in bed as his mum babysits.

It's not so much that I'm letting EXDH dictate to me who I see regarding NG but we're still very early days and frankly I feel like I'm bringing a lot of trouble to his door that he obviously hadn't bargained for. If I was in his shoes I'd be running a mile so I'm going to give him a get out and see what happens.

My jaw is just off the floor after reading about the tree

I fully understand why it's hard to read this thread and don't blame you for taking a break

But please remember and act on this 'one more step out of line' business. I don't really agree that he deserves another chance but if you insist, then insist. Draw your line and please please please don't let him minimise, persuade and distract you after the next incident.

Child care is child care. You'll find a way.

Don't sleep walk through this OP. Very best wishes x

Good luck with new guy.

And supporting pps who have advised you to go strong on ex.

I hope exdh is not meaningful. Why the D? Does it explain why your putting up with this?

Please do not become a news item. Make sure you and the children are safe.
He knows what he has been doing is wrong and illegal, but it was his choice. He should face the consequences.
He's showing no regard for you, why should you show him?

Love, the kind of man that is doing this to you is the kind of man that would kill his dc to hurt you.

You must now do whatever you can do to protect yourself and them.

Stop access, get an injunction/non molestation order and beg others to help with shifts so that you can try and sort something out.

You can't afford to make the mistake you are making here. You think you know him, you really don't.

He is a very dangerous man.

You didn't think he was capable of this till you got someone new in your life. You do have to think of the what ifs here. What if he perceives the children get on with your new partner better than him at some point down the line, what could he do then?

You have drawn a line in the sand but please understand this. If he continues it means he is not capable of stopping himself and that does make him dangerous then. If it continues all bets are off, they have to be because if this doesn't wake him up to the risks he is taking of potentially losing his job and access to the children then it is all to easy to act on a may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb impulse.

In short I don't think your ex is in as much control of his actions as either of you think he is. If he crosses that line with even something minor you must press charges. He may lose his job but it will be a relatively minor offence and he would be able to gain employment elsewhere. If you leave it till it's much worse a more serious offence makes it more difficult. So by giving him chance after chance you do him no favours either.

Others have stated where this may end up and it could which is why you need to come down on it hard for all you sakes.

Of course you should press charges. What kind of example are you setting to your children if you let people abuse you & your property without consequence?

I'm still c

I'm still confused as to why he is so interested I. You if your split was amicable and mutual. Why is he do pre occupied with you now? Are you sure he wanted to split?

How will you know if he's stopped or not? He was stalking you without you knowing for a while.

You're not dealing with the man you knew 5 years or 6 months ago. You are dealing with who he is now, a stalker, obsessed with you and your new relationship and threatening you and your children's physical and mental safety and security.

If you discovered you were being stalked in this manner by a neighbour you barely knew would you hold back from demanding he was arrested because it might risk his job?

If anything else happens please report immediately and keep all evidence you have at the moment. Anything. However tiny it seems on it's own. And I agree that you should update the police on what he has told you. They should take stalking very seriously.

Please tell someone in rl op, so someone will panic rather than worry if you don't show up to work.

I would also request that your dcs school/nursery confirm any early pick ups with you by phone.

If he's disclosed that he's been physically near all the time the OP was with the NG, it's almost guaranteed that he's got other weapons in his arsenal. He's set up surveillance stuff in the house, of that I am certain. He has the motivation, he has the means and he's had the opportunity.

I don't know how many times other people have to say that he's dangerous before the OP will believe it. I do, I'm convinced of it.

Whether it's (a) a mental breakdown, (b) he's fundamentally abusive/ aggressive man or (c) something else, he shouldn't be doing a job requiring developed vetting. He's vulnerable to blackmail, if nothing else and could put other people at risk [yes, accidentally, if this is a mental breakdown].

In your position, I'd want to buy a new computer [one I know he hasn't had physical access to] with cash and make arrangements to move house, taking advice about proper security precautions in my new house and on what sort of a property to live in. In the meantime, I'd want to at least appear to be taking standard security precautions at home - changing the locks, swapping passwords, looking for cameras.

Good god I never post on these things but felt I really needed to. Please please be very careful OP. I would say he's told you what his future plans are as a veiled threat of what he is capable of. Seriously consider your safety and that of your child- this man is unstable

Wow this is awful.

Well done for reporting it to the police, but please take this more seriously!!!! He stalked you for two months!!!! He could still be doing it now.

Hope you're ok op.

In the interests of joining the dots;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2116098-Please-help-a-repentant?msgid=47892243#47892243

OP, just so you know, a poster purporting to be your ex is posting on the other thread (not for the first time this week) alleging that you have told him to post. You may want to take screenshots/break contact/clarify your suggestion to him/report as you consider appropriate.

Huh. Thanks, is it the thread you've linked to? It's been deleted/ hidden I think. I will contact MN and see what's going on. EXDH knows I post on here, so I'm not surprised he found it.

Thanks for the heads up

OP - I've sent a pm with a cached version of the other thread so you can see whether it's genuine or not.

I reported the twat other thread poster, and he's been zapped and banned.

DEFINITELY take this up with the police as a potential cyber stalking thing. this guy really is a freak and highly dangerous.