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Original poster

DH upset with me- sex related

82 replies

Youcanneverknow · 16/06/2014 09:15

This might be a bit too much information.

My DH is not speaking to me (apart from a few texts- he's in the train at the moment). He's saying "I don't get it" but I think I do, and I think he's being selfish. However he's put doubt in my mind so I thought id check on here.

Basically it started last night. My DH wanted to have an early night. I suggested we could have sex, but as I was waiting for the washing machine to finish I suggested he give me a foot rub for a bit.

When we got to bed I asked if he would give me a massage. But he rolled his eyes and sighed. The thing is, I've been on some medication which has suppressed my libido, and a massage really helps. I then said that's ok, maybe another night then as I didn't fancy a one sided quickie. & then tried to get to sleep. Now he's furious with me as he thinks I've held him to ransom and I didn't make him feel very wanted. Apparently I don't show him enough affection either. The thing is I'm so tired. I have 3 under 4, and get little help with the house. (My DH feeds the cat, that's about it). He works long hours too, but when he gets in from work he eats his dinner, steps over the mess & spends the rest if the evening on his laptop.

I'm fed up now. He got up for work hasn't said a word to me and will only make up when I've apologised.

OP posts:

ParadoxicalUndressing · 16/06/2014 09:33

I see it from both sides. He was rubbing your feet and then you asked him to massage him without you offering to do anything for him. And then, I can imagine the insinuation of a "one sided quickie" could be taken very badly. I would be hurt by that. I would also feel like I was being used for an orgasm.

However, I can see it from your side as well - it isn't easy to find a balance.

It sounds like you've got into a bit of a viscous cycle that you actually need to sit down and talk about, outside of the bedroom. Tell him what you want and ask him what he wants. See if you can find a compromise and learn to be sensitive to one another's needs.

DoingItForMyself · 16/06/2014 09:53

If the alternative to him giving you a massage is a one sided quickie then he's a selfish lover and he needs to realise it is not something you 'give to him' to keep him quiet, it should be mutually enjoyable. If that means he puts in a bit of effort, either downstairs in the evening or in bed because that's what you need to feel relaxed then he should be happy to do it.

The housework thing is a related but separate issue. Tackle that without linking it to sex because he probably won't be able to make the connection and when you point it out he will just hear "you're no help round the house and a rubbish lover" and withdraw even more.

Explain to him how tired and overwhelmed you feel with it all, that he needs to pull his weight (even if he's tired after work, he should be doing more at the weekends/days off and you should have equal 'downtime'). If you are on medication I presume you don't feel 100% anyway and so he should really be trying to find ways to help you! not making you feel bad for expecting a bit of foreplay.

Laceym1987 · 17/06/2014 23:09

You suggested having sex and then got your massages and changed your mind and went to sleep. See it from his point of view. How would you feel if he'd suggested it to you, you got all excited and he asked you to give him a massage so you do because you think it's on the road to sex and then he says "nah it's alright I'm too tired now night!".. Slightly selfish, just saying

rinabean · 17/06/2014 23:18

Laceym1987 would you not just masturbate and go to sleep? Seriously? It's not selfish to not have sex with someone when you don't want to. I cannot imagine having sex with someone who wasn't interested, not at all, just disgusting to me.

OP, did he talk to you this evening?? Or still giving you the silent treatment? I can't believe he had such a strop.

EverythingCounts · 17/06/2014 23:22

But Lacey she didn't get the massage. He asked, he eyerolled, she said 'OK then, another night' and that was it. So he hasn't been gypped out of the sex 'earned' by giving the massage (eyeroll)

OP, you're not getting a good deal here. Not surprising you are tired doing everything around the house. I take it you have directly asked him to do more?

Bogeyface · 17/06/2014 23:26

When will men realise that foreplay starts long before you get into bed.

I wouldnt want to have sex if I was so exhausted from looking after 3 under 4's, and I certainly wouldnt want it with the man who was happy to see me that exhausted than just help out a bit.

Yes he works long hours but so do you. Every hour he is out of the house you are working too. If you split what needed to be done after work hours then you wouldnt be so knackered and might feel a bit more amenable to some action in the sack.

I suggest you send him an email spelling it out in no uncertain terms.

Lacey she didnt get the massage, thats the point. He knows she needs that to get in the mood but he didnt want to put the effort in, he just wanted a shag. That is selfish on his behalf not the OP's. Would you want sex with a man who refused any foreplay? Just expected to stick it in and do the necessary to get his rocks off? Thought not.

Iflyaway · 17/06/2014 23:27

So, he ignores you while you take care of 3 under 4, steps over the mess and expects a quickie...
And then wants an apology!

God help you love, no wonder you are pissed off!

thank god I,m a LP

Eekaman · 17/06/2014 23:38

Bogey, when oh when will women realise that foreplay starts long before you go to bed? (Bed :). of course, sex only takes place in bed eh?)

It's a two way street, don't blame him, all he got was, 'rub my feet,' and 'give me a massage and let's see if I'll let you do the wild sex thing to me' and it's let's all support OP because the nasty misogynist didn't cater for OP's every need.

If he'd said, worship me, tend to me and I'll see about letting you climb aboard the love pole to heaven, all of MN would be righteously furious at his attitude.

As I said, a two way street, it should be equal; Hubby clearly felt it wasn't equal on this occasion.

Bogeyface · 17/06/2014 23:44

He wanted sex and didnt want get the OP in the mood in the way she needs because of her meds. She was willing, he wasnt. The OP was on the two way street, he didnt want that, he wanted to get his rocks off and didnt seem to particularly care whether the OP was into it or not. and then spends the next day sulking about it.

Attractive. Reaaally attractive.

Bogeyface · 17/06/2014 23:45

of course, sex only takes place in bed eh?

Well yes, in my house but thats because the teenagers would object if H and I started getting it off on the sofa!

5madthings · 17/06/2014 23:49

Sulking when you dont get sex is not cool or attractive.

The op was trying to get in the mood despite medication that makes her suffer from lack of libido and the fact that she has three young children and her dh doesn't do his fair share. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone that treated me like a skivvy!

Boudica1990 · 17/06/2014 23:53

I think my DP would be upset if I offered him up sex, asked for a foot rub and he gave me one and then when we got upstairs asked for another massage and when it was declined (because maybe he was hoping for some cuddling and kissing) I just rolled over and said "nah not interested now". I think that would leave my DP rather confused and unwanted, because I didn't get what I wanted.

He probably wouldn't strop about it the next day thoug he probably would just huff and roll over with his back to me and say goodnight sternly.

I can sort of see why he's upset but the man strop over it is a bit OTT

Bogeyface · 18/06/2014 00:02

I would agree Boudica but the way the Op describes it, this isnt something she sprung on him. If she has been on meds for a while and it is affecting her libido so her brain is saying yes but her body needs a bit more persuasion then presumably this isnt a new thing in their sex life.

Although I have to admit that the way she did it wasnt very nice. Perhaps saying "look you know I cant get in the mood without a massage, so do you want to do it tonight or shall we go to bed early tomorrow and do it then instead?" for example.

Bogeyface · 18/06/2014 00:04

And I cant help wondering how her libido would be if she felt that her husband respected and cared for her rather than treating her like and unpaid maid.

Bogeyface · 18/06/2014 00:04

an not and!

Boudica1990 · 18/06/2014 00:08

bogey hmm perhaps your right, maybe her DP thought "I've done the massagey bit downstairs...great boxers off let's go" I can definatley see that being my DP's train of thought lol

Perhaps it was the delivery of the "no" like you say that has upset OP's partner more.

woolypigs · 18/06/2014 00:09

I can sort of see his point of view, he said he wanted to go to bed early and you suggested sex, you asked for a foot rub and then a massage when he eye rolled you said never mind another time.

Sex is a two way street and none of us are machines, you say you are taking medication that affects your libido but not making your partner feel sexy or give affection then he is not going to be up for it either.

I think he is being ridiculous about you holding him to ransom, if he isn't up for stimulating you then its not going to happen.

justiceofthePeas · 18/06/2014 00:10

Boudica at say goodnight sternly. I'd forego the massage d
for a stern goodnight.

OP he probably felt a bit hard done to but the sulking is out of order. He needs to do the rubber gloves and help out and maybe do the housework afterwards

Possibly ignore the washing machine ne t time and cut straight to the massage.

Boudica1990 · 18/06/2014 00:17

justice he always does it if he is in a huff, it's cute if I'm honest. We always say goodnight to eachother, even if he is elsewhere in the world if he can contact me he will and it's always to say goodnight. So when he is huffy about something he still can't shake the need to say goodnight always makes me smile.

FabULouse · 18/06/2014 06:42

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pilates · 18/06/2014 06:49

Agree with Fab

Branleuse · 18/06/2014 06:52

i can see both your points. You want him to chase you for it, It didnt go well, both of you ended up pissed off and unsatisfied.

Have you considered looking at different meds?

lettertoherms · 18/06/2014 06:52

I do see this from both sides.

OP, have you made it very clear to him that you need the massage for sex to be possible? And do you cuddle,kiss, massage him as well?

I would not be up for sex without certain foreplay as well, but if I said to DP, "Ok, do X, then do Y, then you may put P in V, otherwise I am going to sleep..." I think he would have the right to be huffy, as I would be in a reverse situation. Sex is a two way street, and about more than letting a man put his penis somewhere...

The housework is a separate issue, he should be helping more.

Lovingfreedom · 18/06/2014 07:25

I would be pissed off tbh if someone suggested sex and then after me giving them a foot rub and waiting for the washing machine, they asked for a massage and sex was now off the agenda. Everyone has a right to change their mind about whether they want sex but I can't understand why you got him to do all your massaging first. Not really fair.

WildBillfemale · 18/06/2014 07:29

Couldn't the washing machine have waited until the morning?

The rest sounds selfish on your part tbh, it's not all about you.

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