DH upset with me- sex related

[Youcanneverknow]

This might be a bit too much information.

My DH is not speaking to me (apart from a few texts- he's in the train at the moment). He's saying "I don't get it" but I think I do, and I think he's being selfish. However he's put doubt in my mind so I thought id check on here.

Basically it started last night. My DH wanted to have an early night. I suggested we could have sex, but as I was waiting for the washing machine to finish I suggested he give me a foot rub for a bit.

When we got to bed I asked if he would give me a massage. But he rolled his eyes and sighed. The thing is, I've been on some medication which has suppressed my libido, and a massage really helps. I then said that's ok, maybe another night then as I didn't fancy a one sided quickie. & then tried to get to sleep. Now he's furious with me as he thinks I've held him to ransom and I didn't make him feel very wanted. Apparently I don't show him enough affection either. The thing is I'm so tired. I have 3 under 4, and get little help with the house. (My DH feeds the cat, that's about it). He works long hours too, but when he gets in from work he eats his dinner, steps over the mess & spends the rest if the evening on his laptop.

I'm fed up now. He got up for work hasn't said a word to me and will only make up when I've apologised.

Eh?

The OP was finishing a chore, whilst the H stepped over the mess. She asked for some physical affection whilst that happened.

Then when they went to bed, she asked for her preferred foreplay and got an eye roll. This, unsurprisingly, did not make her feel like sex so she suggested postponing and now her husband isn't talking to her.

And she's selfish?

Really?

Yes - where are his desires in this?

I don't know. As far as I can see, he didn't make a sexual request but rolled his eyes at his wife when she did.

I don't think many people, male or female, would want sex after that.

Personally I like sex to be spontaneous.
If I "suggested we have sex" while waiting for the washing machine to finish it would feel too contrived and planned.

But would you be furious with your DH and not speak to him until he had apologised if sex didn't go to plan, or un-plan, in your case?

Spontaneous sex with 3 under 4s and a house to be run?! Yeah right ledkr!! I like sex to happen and scheduling helps make sure it happens at a time that we're both in the mood and the washing can still need hung out. Spontaneity, except for very occasionally, is a thing of the past.
If you have some secret way of enabling spontaneous anything with 3 little ones please share.

For the wider issues about housework etc, I think you need to discuss that with your husband separately, but you do need to discuss it. Do you both work full time? If so it's patently unfair that you are doing everything around the house. It sounds like you want him to put in more effort and appreciate you, and those feelings are being projected into the bedroom.

For the sex argument...I think I probably sympathise way more with your husband here actually, sorry. I think you're being really unreasonable.

It was you who suggested having sex, which implies that you were in the mood. He says "yeah great okay!", but then he is the one stuck doing all the foreplay? Foreplay is not a one way street. What exactly what he supposed to be getting out of rubbing your feet? (maybe you guys have some foot fetish thing going on, but I can't see how a foot rub would be in any way arousing for the person doing it).

Anyway, he happily rubs your feet, and then was probably expecting either something in return, or at least to move to something which was mutually pleasurable for the two of you, as opposed to him being stuck rubbing feet. Then you want a massage?? That's pretty selfish. It's completely one sided pleasure. If you need stimulation then you could have kissed for a while, or stroked each other, or something mutual. I'm not saying you guys should have just leapt straight into sex at that point, but you SHOULD have moved onto foreplay that both parties enjoy.

Then when he so much as raises his eyebrows at your behaviour (which WAS selfish), you get a huff for not automatically getting your way and "punish" him by withdrawing the option of sex. That is just petty and manipulative.

I would be furious if my fiancé did this to me.

This ^^.

I'm really surprised at how this thread has gone.

Imagine if he'd said 'why don't you go and have a bath/paint your nails/whatever seems like a nice pre-sex thing while I wait for the washing and hang it up (or whatever)'? Wouldn't that make you more inclined to have sex?

Perhaps you could've explained that having a massage helps you want sex but even if you didn't could he not have worked that out? Why shouldn't you ask for something?!

Lastly there is NOTHING less sexy than a man being petulant because you won't shag him. Nothing.

Lastly there is NOTHING less sexy than a man being petulant because you won't shag him. Nothing.

This. Very, very much this.

A man who was no help in the house if I had 3 children under 4, who spent his evenings on his laptop, would not likely get sex from me on principle.

The whole deal feels far too much like droit du seigneur for my liking.

Totally agree with twinklestein here

It was the OPs idea though... He wasn't coercing her from what I picked up.

She suggested sex. He gave her the foot massage she requested. She then said no.

What's hard to understand why he got upset? Doh!

Oh I thought anyone was allowed to say No to sex at any time they wanted. No "well this has happened to I have to have sex now" shite.

If you dont want to have sex you dont want to have sex. If you think "this might get me in the mood" and it doesnt, then you shouldnt then oblige because you "owe them"

Everyone has the right to back out of sex at any point.

I'm sure a man posting about how he demanded a foot rub and massage before unleashing his cock and then rolling over and going to sleep when his demands aren't fully met would get exactly the same sympathy here.

Well quite Hacked. The OP said no because he rolled his eyes.

I said nothing about coercion. The OP instigated sex, despite having a low libido, needing help to get going. Is she likely initiating sex for her benefit or her husband's in that context?

If she had said she was really turned on & wouldn't take no for an answer it would be different.

A man suggests a foot rub, then asks for a massage due to low libido, the woman rolls her eyes, and when he says 'that's ok, another night', he then has to go through with it all the same? I don't see that swapping genders changes anything.

If I were knackered from doing someone else's share of the housework I wouldn't feel like sex.

If he looked after his own kids, picked up his own rubbish and washed his own dirty pants then perhaps the OP would rub her own feet.

If a guy said to me 'let's have sex later' and then said 'why don't you rub my feet while we wait for the washing machine to finish' and then once we got to bed said 'ok, we can maybe have sex but not until you've given me a massage'...I might well eye-roll and wonder what's in it for me. I wouldn't go on and give silent treatment the next day mind.

I have 5 children kiki so an well aware of the difficulties of finding time to oneself, however I would find it a turn off if we decided to have sex at a scheduled time then finished a few household chores before getting down to it.
I find it more likely to happen spontaneously if we've had a nice evening or are finally relaxing in bed.
That's just me though and in not sure why you take such offence at my post??

But there was nothing in the OP post which said that her husband threw a strop because he was denied sex after doing something nice. He seems to have thrown a strop because the OP was only interested in pleasure which was a one way street. Where exactly is his pleasure in any of this?

Of course everyone has the right to say no, at any point ever. But the OP didn't say "no" because she genuinely changed her mind, or because she just wasn't feeling it. She changed her in a petulant strop because her husband didn't automatically obey her every whim without her giving him anything in return! Someone rolling their eyes because you has asked for yet another massage is pretty unsurprising.

Nobody is a machine - it's fine that the OP needs a bit more stimulation to get aroused, but there are ways of doing that which are pleasurable for both people concerned.

Funny thing, when my husband doesn't bother with housework, I'm a lot less inclined to have sex with him. If he then got in a huff because I wanted him to do something that would get me in the mood, he'd be sleeping in the sofa! It doesn't look like the OP is getting much chance to feel sexy, and coupled with her medication, I don't think she's asking too much.