Husband often behaves badly towards me in public

[NearlyMonday]

I've named changed for this.

We've been together for 8 years, and last year he started upsetting me when we're with friends/social situations.

This can range from ignoring me all night and refusing to make any sort of eye contact; airing petty domestic issues in public; picking up on a 'normal' comment I make and pulling it to pieces in front of everyone; refusing to sit next to me and/or deliberately taking the seat furthest from me. The worst occasion was arriving at a restaurant, he gave his coat to the waiter but didn't bother with mine, left me standing at the doorway in my coat while he shot off to the bar and got himself a drink, he joined the friends we'd arranged to meet and didn't even look at me all night. I read the riot act the following day and he apologised.

I've read quite a bit about this, all the advice seems to be that there's dissatisfaction on his part that bubbles to the surface when he has an audience. I've tackled him about it, he denied that he had any issues with me, and for the next few times that we went out he was better.

On the whole things have improved, but I'm still wary of taking him into some situations in case the spoils it. Yesterday we met some friends in a bar, which made him suddenly stop talking to me. When we left the bar and headed to the restaurant, I took him to one side and tackled him about it, and he improved. But I find it upsetting that a man who behaves just fine in 1-2-1 situations, will slip back to dissing me in public if not challenged/corrected regularly. I gather this is not unusual, but that doesn't really help.

Friends can be over invested and do not always give good counsel.

Abusive types can be and are often plausible to those in the outside world too so I would not hold much store by her comments.

Your friend doesn't know what we know Monday.

Erm, I think my friend knows more than anyone here knows! She knows both of us, and sees us together.

I'm beginning to think that whilst he has been a bit of an arse in public at times, I'm now slightly over-tuned to it.

"She knows both of us, and sees us together".

Granted, but its easy for him to put on an act and many people can be fooled by it (many can be charm personified). Also she does not live with him day to day as you do so will form a different impression of him in any event.

My ex was like this. Exactly as you describe. Didn't sit with me, look at me, share conversations with me it was as though I wasn't there. We get on ok now and I once asked why he did that. He told me that he didn't really want to be in a relationship and that if he acted like that in front of others they would see that he didn't take me or our marriage seriously so they wouldn't either. It's complicated to explain but personally I think it's a sign of deep immaturity and in the case of my ex he could continue to try to meet other women when out and about because after all we weren't serious. He thought he was convincing himself and others we knew of that.

Out of all the things he did, that was one of the worst, it was soul destroying to get all dressed up and be excited to be going out with him only for him to treat me like I didn't exist.

Is there a common factor in the people you're with when it happens?

You are minimising, love. It's understandable, but not at all helpful.

WRT your friend saying she's not noticed anything amiss, can you remember if she's been present on any of the occasions when he's done it? Is there anyone who has been present at every event where it's happened? Think back over the times he's been an arse. Are there any common factors? Any pattern? Or is it completely random?

Nicki that's so sad - your last paragraph.

I remember going out with him, beautiful summer's evening, babysitter, special occasion, dressed up and excited, he phones his brother and chats to him for half an hour - no emergency, no particular reason. Asking about going out to eat in a restaurant - his response is 'why?'.

I don't think you're 'over-tuned' OP, I think your friend is just a bit insensitive and didn't register. I would have noticed.

Many of my sister's friends don't notice that her husband is somewhat of an arse, I notice every time I see him.

Think back over the times that hes been an arse. Are there any common factors? Any pattern? Or is it completely random?

Yes, theres a common factor if hes been in a bad mood immediately prior to going out, this can lead to a bad evening. If hes in a good mood, then we generally have a good evening.

Well I don't know you and him but I would be surprised if you are just being over sensitive.

Your friend might not have seen anything but would you expect her to check on you and him all the time? Would you expect her to be on the alert that he left you at the door with your coat on and then ignore you all evening? She probably saw you at the door, sorting yourself out. Him in discussion with other friends and didn't think more than that.

I would agree about telling him straight when he is making unacceptable comments.

In that case it might be his moods that are the problem. How do his bad moods start?

Or is he in a bad mood already because you're going too OP? is that possible?

Does he get in these "bad moods" when he is going out on his own ?

NearlyMonday, it doesn't actually matter that your friend hasn't noticed anything amiss. She isn't the target of it, so she probably doesn't realise. He sounds an utter shit, to be honest.

If he's not talking to you in public, quite often others won't notice it because you will both be talking to others. But YOU will notice it.

One of the other mum's at DS's school goes out of her way to ignore me there, and anywhere else she goes to where I will be.

Others haven't noticed it happening because I refuse to make a fuss over it, or to keep trying to talk to her. Yet it has been going on for over 2 years now. I KNOW the church warden at our church hadn't even noticed it, as I discussed it with her recently.

Nicki,unreal for sharing your experiences, it's horrid how similar they are/were!

It's soul destroying, that whole "I've emotionally/socially checked out of this interaction to punish you, but I won't tell you" vibe.

The worst part is they do "go through" the motions of "well, I am out with you, what more do YOU want?", like they're doing you a special favour by being there and having the "pleasure" of looking at them?

Watching all the other tables chatting and laughing and thinking "is this IT?"

And the person who is meant to be your life partner just either ignoring or providing monosyllabic answers like a surly child.

And of course if the waiter starts a conversation, or a woman drops her handbag on the Tube home all smiles and charm and "anything to please YOU." So you're then left feeling like a paranoid lunatic because of course your man is "one of the good guys" so it MUST be you.

And of course, if you tell your friends, they're like "Well, you've got a man to take you to X location, you're so lucky, what more do you want?".

unreal yeah and the "phone thing", snap!

I've realised when dating what an unpleasant little "power thing" it is when men do that: it's a resentful show of "I'm going to show you how unimportant you are".

But Pearl what's weird is that it's done unconsciously. I know that because of all the similarities between our individual cases. Unless there's some secret fuckwits manual that these men all read that normal men don't know about.

Meanwhile we fuss about and hope they magically become normal.

I feel the vibe when I say 'me and friend are going to xxx place next week'. No comment, no encouragement, just a kind of eery silence while his brain works it out "but you don't have a life. I have one and you fit in around it."

Aaa argh feeling very stuck now.

That description is spot on pear. I would watch ex laughing and chatting and being the life and soul with everyone but me. It really attacks your self esteem doesn't it? This guy is do lovely and funny it must just be ME.

Ooh what just got deleted?

NickiFury - The witchdoctor has been spamming the boards again.

Oh how dreary.