Husband often behaves badly towards me in public

[NearlyMonday]

I've named changed for this.

We've been together for 8 years, and last year he started upsetting me when we're with friends/social situations.

This can range from ignoring me all night and refusing to make any sort of eye contact; airing petty domestic issues in public; picking up on a 'normal' comment I make and pulling it to pieces in front of everyone; refusing to sit next to me and/or deliberately taking the seat furthest from me. The worst occasion was arriving at a restaurant, he gave his coat to the waiter but didn't bother with mine, left me standing at the doorway in my coat while he shot off to the bar and got himself a drink, he joined the friends we'd arranged to meet and didn't even look at me all night. I read the riot act the following day and he apologised.

I've read quite a bit about this, all the advice seems to be that there's dissatisfaction on his part that bubbles to the surface when he has an audience. I've tackled him about it, he denied that he had any issues with me, and for the next few times that we went out he was better.

On the whole things have improved, but I'm still wary of taking him into some situations in case the spoils it. Yesterday we met some friends in a bar, which made him suddenly stop talking to me. When we left the bar and headed to the restaurant, I took him to one side and tackled him about it, and he improved. But I find it upsetting that a man who behaves just fine in 1-2-1 situations, will slip back to dissing me in public if not challenged/corrected regularly. I gather this is not unusual, but that doesn't really help.

The coat thing doesn't sound like an issue at all to me, I wouldn't expect my dp to take my coat and hand it to a waiter, I'm capable of doing that myself.

Him walking off to join your friends is maybe a bit discourteous, that rather than waiting for you before making his way to the bar, but again it sounds more like a chivalry issue than anything else.

Not talking to you all evening, was that a conscious thing or just because he had other people to talk to?

Picking arguments in public and belittling you in front of others is properly out of order, but I think you need to separate those things which are actually unacceptable behaviour and those which are just about standards of chivalry.

It doesn't sound like he enjoys being out with you for whatever reason, or that he wants to keep you quiet and 'in your place'. He obviously has some issues but if he won't sort them out then just make sure you go out without him. You obviously don't want to split up from him, so just accept that your social lives will be separate and if he's ok with you at home hopefully you will be happier. You've tried asking him to change and he hasn't, so there's not much you can do. I like the idea of doing the same to him, but that lowers you to his level and IME people like this never make the connection between how you treat him and how he treats you.

I suffered in exactly the same way with my first long-term boyfriend in my twenties (together for seven years).

He too would put me down in public but would be nice in private. He would apologise for his behaviour but not give any explaination for it.

Others used to comment that he was punching above his weight and I think that this is key. If your dp has reached a milestone in his head and now realises that 'this is it' in terms of who he is and what he has achieved, then this disatisfaction will have an outlet and it looks as if it's you (being the closest person to him).

My ex got so bad that I ended it with him (after a dinner we hosted for friends during which he made awful comments about me not being worth marrying as I had no money and was 'getting on a bit' - I was 27 ffs). Sometimes he would be lovely when in company and he would praise my accademic achievements or work progress but at other times he would belittle me publicly. I could see that it would never change.

We still keep in touch occassionally as I know his family who live nearby and he has apologised profusely for his behaviour but ONLY after he suffered this exact same treatment at the hands of a domineering woman. (it left him a shaddow of his former self) and that he was deeply sorry, every day for the pain and humiliation he caused me. He admited that he did it because he felt insecure in all aspects of his life (physically, emotionally, professionally) and had to vent. He also wanted to 'bring me down' as my possitivity only made his feelings worse.

He is better now (he's nearly 50) but I suspect that he has simply learned to hide his feelings over the passing years and gather that his current relationship is at breaking point and this is his ninth relationship since we split fifteen years ago.

Sorry to hijack the thread but it bought it all back reading your post and I feel that your dp has the same issues as my ex.

Mine has done this for years, we now spend lovely evenings with friends and rarely communicate at all. I get to talk to some really interesting people about interesting things while he spends the evening talking at and over someone else. Suits me, we have enough time together at home.

The only reasons I see for this are

A a controlling man who thinks exposing your private issues in public will prevent other men from fancying you

B nerves, anxiety, feeling insecure so trying to make himself seem big, but a symptom of emotional abuse

C alcohol

If you must persist with this arse, then can I suggest that you have a conversation long before Thursday night re the Friday. I wouldn't want a blow up or a "misunderstanding" by him on the Thursday night - too stressful

Re other men having bad habits - yes, my DH does as do I. I'm trying to decide whether his worst one is occasionally leaving wet towels on the bed or misplacing his keys even though I have suggested eleventy million times that he puts them in one place Acting like a complete thundercunt to me in public is not one of them

Ladyfoxglove/DoingItForMyself - thank you for your constructive comments. There have been times when I’ve wondered if I have been slightly over-sensitive about things, definitely not the whole situation, but once you pick up on someone not behaving quite as they should, you get heightened awareness and then you start being on “red alert” and read problems into everything. And the chivalry comment is very insightful. There’s a huge difference between lack of chivalry and emotional abuse.

But Ladyfoxglove’s comment about an outlet for his dissatisfaction really struck a chord, and people tend to take things out on those closest to them. Not that this makes it excusable.

If things don’t improve, I will simply meet friends/family without him. His loss.

NearlyMonday I felt quite emotional reading your post as it struck such a (long forgotten) cord with me about how I used to feel when in a relationship with my ex. I thought 'it must be me' and this is key - your dp wants to make you feel unsure of yourself. Mine moved me hundreds of miles away from family and friends so I was even more reliant on him.

The problem with these men is of course, they have thier charms and ways of making you love them despite all the problems they bring to the relationship but in your heart, you know it's not on to be treated that way and to be 'on alert' all the time just in case he's 'in that mood.' You end up walking on eggshells all the time. It's no way to live your life and can be damaging to those around you too.

I wish you all the best Nearly I really do. It's difficult I know.
Out of interest, is his father the same?

I'm glad you didn't think the chivalry comments were dismissive, the other stuff does sound upsetting, but just trying to put into perspective which parts you could tackle without him being able to come up with a rational defence or objection.

Having been in an EA marriage for many years I know too well how it feels to be on the lookout for things that link together what you feel and know about someone. When you're told you're being overs sensitive about something you start to question everything, so I hope you don't take that from my comments. That's really not my intention, I think you should definitely still be aware of anything which fits the pattern, but perhaps pick your battles rather than lump it all together.

Long term, it's horrible when you see an older man do this to his wife?

There isn't even the veneer of being a nice looking youngish couple - when its easier to socialise - any more.

They tend to just look/turn weirder and weirder and more isolated as the years go on.

One hopes people mellow as they get older, that they're getting some peace of mind, that they're sitting back and enjoying the end of the road as they get some financial security and the slog of life is nearly over.

But no, this type of man is STILL resentful and full of hatred.

My ex-MIL was just a husk of a woman: she'd retreated into one of those peculiar spying on the neighbours with binoculars types. Maybe her husband was an Ok looking resentful man at some point, and she felt things would improve, or calm down.

They didn't.

Now he's a fat bald resentful man, and I suppose at some age she felt she couldn't start again because of the kids, and her age.

I think there's a certain nasty resentful personality which doesn't take responsibility for becoming the people they want to be, then take it out on their nearest and dearest.

I know TONNES of people who - even if life has thrown them curveballs, as it does us all - have second interests, are mature students, find a sport or a spiritual path. They don't retreat into "well, I'm too lazy to do anything about myself, I'll just spoil things for my partner" mode.

Excellent post Pearlongreen.

In addition I think some men actually don't want to share their lives with anyone, they get drawn into relationships purely for the procreation aspect. These men will be much happier on their own but don't like the idea of it, so draw women in to serve their basic needs.

They live a single life within the family and when their need for sex and children is done they start to get twisted.

Bleak and grim.

"If things don’t improve, I will simply meet friends/family without him. His loss."

Hi OP, I wonder whether this approach will actually work in the long term. Don't you think that your resentment of him will grow when you find that you are leading entirely separate social lives simply because he cannot make the effort to treat you decently when you are out with other people?

"Dissing you in public" - is that really what you hoped for from your life partner?

Please don't accept it - I think it will make you very unhappy.

"If things don’t improve, I will simply meet friends/family without him. His loss."

Hi OP, I wonder whether this approach will actually work in the long term. Don't you think that your resentment of him will grow when you find that you are leading entirely separate social lives simply because he cannot make the effort to treat you decently when you are out with other people?

"Dissing you in public" - is that really what you hoped for from your life partner?

Please don't accept it - I think it will make you very unhappy.

Unreal, that's my ex to a tee. He's now much happier on his own, as am I with a new partner.

nearly bear in mind that if your H is acting this way the he obviously isn't happy either, have you tried framing it like that to him? Instead of asking him why he makes you feel bad, ask him what is making him feel bad enough to behave like this.

Tbh, once I turned my exes behaviour back to him, it occurred to me that actually I didn't care why he behaved as he did, it was still unacceptable to me and something he wouldn't/couldn't stop and I wouldn't accept.

They want to offload domestic chores too.

Yes, I phrased it as "there must be something going wrong for you, to make you behave like this" and he insists there's nothing the matter. And if I ask him if he's happy with our marriage and our lives, he always insists he's never been happier. And no other areas of our life give me cause for complaints.

Like I said, this doesn't happen every time we're out, and until Saturday it hadn't been a problem for quite a while. I'm just at a loss to know what triggers it, and what to do about it. However if he's in a good mood when we go out, we're far more likely to have a relaxed and happy evening.

I wouldn't go out with him in public.

I also wouldn't eat with him, live with him, or sleep with him or talk to him.

He could mind the kids though.

Pearlongreens post shows the bleak long term outlook.

what has started happening to us is we get fewer invitations. Who wants people over who will create an atmosphere?

We now each have our own circle of friends but the dinner parties, the shared holidays and days out don't happen. There are some things you need to do together. Of course this will all change when I get my act together but in the meantime this is how it is.

Oh I can't recall who said 'outlet for frustration' but that was my x's behaviour to me. Being an arsehole to me was his excellent coping mechanism. And like PearlonGreen, I came from a background where polite was the default. so I was diplomatic and I was pedalling furiously to cover up for his weird, inappropriate or rude behaviour. And later if I took him to task he would swear blind I had been the rude or weird one.

I was only a year younger than him. Now he drives 25 year olds around in his classic cars. I suppose they give him the admiration he believes he deserves.

What has he said about the most recent episode, OP?

I wouldn't be waiting until the weekend to give an ultimatum. I'd need to know how he justified his behaviour.

If he is like my XH the justification for his behaviour will be all OP's fault.

It's called gas lighting, Nearly, he is gas lighting you.

Stop trying to guess why he's doing this or what you can do to change it.

Go without him.

Sorry to sound dense, but what does "gas lighting" mean?

gas lighting

Monday in your most recent post you have in theory gaslighted him! Don't discuss gaslighting with him, he will accuse you of it. You didn't actually do it, but he could read it as that when he goes down the familiar 'blame everyone but yourself' path that they always go down.

I discussed this with a friend last night, and she actually thinks I'm being a bit over sensitive, she sees us both regularly and has never noticed anything amiss. I'm now starting to doubt myself.

I've just read the explanation for gas lighting (thank you Anyfucker) and I think that's a tad extreme!