Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband often behaves badly towards me in public

125 replies

NearlyMonday · 15/06/2014 19:09

I've named changed for this.

We've been together for 8 years, and last year he started upsetting me when we're with friends/social situations.

This can range from ignoring me all night and refusing to make any sort of eye contact; airing petty domestic issues in public; picking up on a 'normal' comment I make and pulling it to pieces in front of everyone; refusing to sit next to me and/or deliberately taking the seat furthest from me. The worst occasion was arriving at a restaurant, he gave his coat to the waiter but didn't bother with mine, left me standing at the doorway in my coat while he shot off to the bar and got himself a drink, he joined the friends we'd arranged to meet and didn't even look at me all night. I read the riot act the following day and he apologised.

I've read quite a bit about this, all the advice seems to be that there's dissatisfaction on his part that bubbles to the surface when he has an audience. I've tackled him about it, he denied that he had any issues with me, and for the next few times that we went out he was better.

On the whole things have improved, but I'm still wary of taking him into some situations in case the spoils it. Yesterday we met some friends in a bar, which made him suddenly stop talking to me. When we left the bar and headed to the restaurant, I took him to one side and tackled him about it, and he improved. But I find it upsetting that a man who behaves just fine in 1-2-1 situations, will slip back to dissing me in public if not challenged/corrected regularly. I gather this is not unusual, but that doesn't really help.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 15/06/2014 20:28

I wouldn't keep taking him to one side & pulling him up on it, I would not go anywhere with him until he stops. If you're out and he starts doing it, just leave.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2014 20:29

OP, 6 year olds "forget their manners"

Not grown men who are supposedly in loving relationships

areyoubeingserviced · 15/06/2014 20:31

I know this sounds like a strange question OP. but what does your dh look like. ?
It could be that he has lost confidence in his appearance and you are looking great .Therefore he could almost be trying to show that he is ' in charge'
Or it could be that he is cheating and is trying to distance himself from you ,

Humansatnav · 15/06/2014 20:33

Ive been with my dh over 20 yrs, and hes never done this.
Ex didn't do this until 2 yrs in.
He is either being a massively controlling cunt or hes looking round for a better offer.

ThePowerOfMe · 15/06/2014 20:35

Has someone told him he's under the thumb and he's trying to prove he's not? I know someone who behaved like that because he was teased by his friends for being 'under manners'

Hassled · 15/06/2014 20:37

My DH did this to me a couple of times and I think in his case it was a sort of hideous social awkwardness which he compensated for by being a total dick. Somehow if he made me look a bit thick or awkward in public he wouldn't be quite so thick or awkward. And it is bizarre because DH really, really, isn't a dick on the whole - he is one of the good guys.

Anyway, I called him on it. During a school PTA quiz night. I think the phrase "fucking unacceptable" may have been overheard by the teachers' table. He's been fine ever since.

Original poster
NearlyMonday · 15/06/2014 20:43

In the past, he was generally fine in public, unless we'd just had a row about something, and then the aftermath would sometimes follow us out, if that makes sense. Last year, around the time the social situation began to deteriorate, we'd had some huge rows about his son (he has a teenage son from his first marriage) and whether or not he should be given a key to our house ( he doesn't live with us, and his track record for locking up, switching things off etc etc was horrendous). That seemed to be the trigger.

As regards appearance - I'm 9 years younger than DH, and I make an effort with my appearance, and people do jokingly tell DH "he's punching above his weight." Sometimes DH laughs, sometimes I can tell he's a bit annoyed. I don't walk round thinking I look like Kylie though, god forbid!

OP posts:
KarlWrenbury · 15/06/2014 20:46

I was thinking it's about appearance too. But more he thinks he's better than you. But obv not. Are you embarassing him somehow? (Obv you aren't but does he think
That ?)

Twinklestein · 15/06/2014 20:47

Have you ever asked him why those rows have turned him into a twat?

I would just refuse to go anywhere with him until he sorts himself out.

Original poster
NearlyMonday · 15/06/2014 20:47

Hassled and Powerofme - I just read your posts and identify with them, and am starting to make some sense of this. I think I just need to be extremely clear why he's not coming to the work BBQ, and to not be afraid of pulling him up, assertively, in public if it ever happens again.

OP posts:
KarlWrenbury · 15/06/2014 20:49

But that too is embarrassing

AnyFucker · 15/06/2014 20:51

I don't understand how you can put your feelings about how he treats you in public to one side when you are alone Confused

This bloke wants to diminish you somehow...but you still plough on regardless, thinking you are in a functional relationship ? How do you manage to flick that switch ...but more to the point, how does he ?

I don't get it

Original poster
NearlyMonday · 15/06/2014 20:53

Twinkle after the initial rows about his son, and the bad social behaviour that followed, things did get better - but it's like he learned some poor behaviour during that time, and is still prone to slipping back.

This coming weekend, friends are coming to stay on Friday and Saturday night. I plan to make it very clear that unless he behaves well on Friday night (when they arrive) I shall absent myself for the remainder of the weekend, and I know he'd hate that.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 15/06/2014 20:56

I think you need to talk to him about this OP, and not just pull him up when it happens. He's not a dog that needs to be retrained on the job, he can actually stop this behaviour.

You're setting yourself up as Barbara Woodhouse.

Beautifulmonster · 15/06/2014 20:57

Sorry to say but it sounds as if he plain doesn't like you. Or he is embarrassed by you (but that doesn't seem to be the case based on what you have said.) Does he like to pretend to be one of the boys/all bravado? What does he resent you for?

Whatever the reason, he should be proud of you when you go out together. I don't know why you are putting up with it. It is out of order. How dare he embarrass you and humiliate you in public?

Twinklestein · 15/06/2014 20:58

Sorry - xpost - good plan for this weekend.

I hope it's possible to shame him out of this.

D'you think he's having some kind of teenage throwback crisis? As it seems linked to his son.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2014 20:59

There is a very strange disconnect going on here (and I think I must have my cloak of invisibility on this evening)

WallyBantersJunkBox · 15/06/2014 21:00

But call him up in public if it happens op, don't whisper in the kitchen through gritted teeth when you think they can't hear.

Apologise to the couple and then tell them you are bowing out because DH is being a dick.

Don't hide behind his embarrassing behaviour, he's banking on you not to make a show of him I'll bet.

MysweetAudrina · 15/06/2014 21:01

I have done this on occasion in the past and the reason i did was because I felt my dh did not engage with issues or during an argument would completely dismiss my feelings or say things like"everyone knows" or belittle or ridicule my arguments so I used the support of other people to try and make my point. So I might bring something up that he said or have a go at him over something he did. I was doing publicly what I could not do in private. I don't do it know as its not fair on others and it didn't achieve anything in the long run.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 15/06/2014 21:01
BolshierAyraStark · 15/06/2014 21:01

His behaviour is just not acceptable & I'm struggling to understand why you put up with this?

hollycomputer · 15/06/2014 21:02

OP, sorry if I've missed this but why would you think he's embarrassed/ashamed of you?

BrianTheMole · 15/06/2014 21:03

One of my exes did this to me. Turned out he was having an affair. I had no idea until the truth eventually slapped me in the face. found a spare mobile phone, obviously in use, with lots of messages

Original poster
NearlyMonday · 15/06/2014 21:03

I've suspected it may be a bravado thing. And I do hope i can shame him out of it. I thought he'd got it out of his system until our most recent outing, as describe in my first post. But any problems at the weekend, and I'll most definitely have it out with him, I agree that this should not be obedience training!

anyfucker you are not invisible!!!

OP posts:
Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 15/06/2014 21:06

Yeah, I agree with any you have more problems here op than him just being a dick when out.

I'm not not boasting but dp and I love going out together, he is a very tactile person. If he behaved like this I'd seriously be considering our future relationship together because he seems as though he doesn't like you!