Husband often behaves badly towards me in public

[NearlyMonday]

I've named changed for this.

We've been together for 8 years, and last year he started upsetting me when we're with friends/social situations.

This can range from ignoring me all night and refusing to make any sort of eye contact; airing petty domestic issues in public; picking up on a 'normal' comment I make and pulling it to pieces in front of everyone; refusing to sit next to me and/or deliberately taking the seat furthest from me. The worst occasion was arriving at a restaurant, he gave his coat to the waiter but didn't bother with mine, left me standing at the doorway in my coat while he shot off to the bar and got himself a drink, he joined the friends we'd arranged to meet and didn't even look at me all night. I read the riot act the following day and he apologised.

I've read quite a bit about this, all the advice seems to be that there's dissatisfaction on his part that bubbles to the surface when he has an audience. I've tackled him about it, he denied that he had any issues with me, and for the next few times that we went out he was better.

On the whole things have improved, but I'm still wary of taking him into some situations in case the spoils it. Yesterday we met some friends in a bar, which made him suddenly stop talking to me. When we left the bar and headed to the restaurant, I took him to one side and tackled him about it, and he improved. But I find it upsetting that a man who behaves just fine in 1-2-1 situations, will slip back to dissing me in public if not challenged/corrected regularly. I gather this is not unusual, but that doesn't really help.

"We love going out together he is tactile?"

Wtf is that about. Or why boastful?

The silly thing is, when DH is his normal self, he's also quite tactile in public! It's just these occasional bouts of crap that upset me. As I said, I thought we'd got past this, until it reappeared in the bar yesterday.

Softly is merely pointing out what is normal in her relationship in a social situation in order to indicate to the OP what her expectations should be: not to make the OP feel bad or jealous.

That's wtf Karl.

1. Guy One

I married this prick! Like you, just objectively, he WAS punching above his weight. So it wasn't embarassment over ME.

I saw the same attitude in his father (who was also married to a fairly pretty woman)

When out in public - he'd just get overwhelmed with resentment and then have a massive mood swing and get his whole family to show solidarity by "being as unhappy and uncomfortable as him.

Whether it was everyone leaving early, or just stopping talking and sulking/stonewalling. I'm actually a fairly charming/sparky type whose natural mode is diplomacy/smoothing over, but this man was a total life-drainer.

It came down to a sense of resentment at not being the man he thought he "deserved" to be in public? Everything reminding him of his own failings, so the internal rage he felt was released.

2. Guy Two

I dated this guy. Again, that nasty inherited air of "I'm uncomfortable, so I need to make someone else uncomfortable". It was me, or the waitress, or the barmaid, or that guy who'd brushed past him. Toxic. I dumped him after a month, learned my lesson ha ha!

I can see you're thinking "poor lamb, he feels awkward."

But you know what?

I've dated men who admit they might not be comfortable in a social location (I'm vair cultured so often I'm suggesting going somewhere a lot nicer than what they're used to).

But they just put on a brave face and shake hands and act politely like my date and then after say "gosh, I felt well nervous there ha ha!"

Personally I've often been at work/social functions where "I'm that odd one in the corner no-one wants to talk to". Or where everyone is cooler and younger and prettier than me. Or no-one pays me attention

I DON'T find someone to shout at or bully, I sometimes drink a bit too much, or I find something to do, or just leave and say to the host "lovely event" and go to myself "wow, that was hard."

Politeness is the default mode of normal men/people.

So I think your partner is an angry raging type who DECIDES to be a twat, sorry.

Do a search for "two modes nice or aggressive" or "waitress test" in the search box, there's some good threads there. Also "predatory self-esteem"

The "drink/coat" thing was done by Guy One, too.

Incredibly high levels of passive-aggression. Do a MN search for "passive-aggressiveness". He KNOWS he's doing it: he wants you off balance and begging for him to show some manners.

My xH did this.

He didn't love me and wanted me to be a complete different person. He was ashamed being with me because he wanted to be with someone else. His behaviour was worse when OW or her friends were around...
At home or when it was only the two of ours or someone not connected to OW network of friends, he was normal.

I had a boyfriend used to do this. He wanted the benefits of a girlfriend at home (meals cooked, company, sex), so could be quite charming in private, but resented my existence the moment we walked into a social situation because I cramped his style - it meant he had to curb his showing off and flirting with his little harem of hangers on. He would ignore me, usually.

The guy didn't actually have "friends", he was a narcissistic twat.

I've got the impression "angry rude twat is angry rude twat, regardless of the woman or what she does.

My ex-husband regularly writes a raging review on TripAdvisor of some situation he's got into with a receptionist or a waitress who has "disrespected" him so he has made the whole family walk out (and he's got a vair high-level job, so a high-functioning middle class angry man).

He's remarried and has kids with his new wife, so his wife is presumably standing by his side covering for him as he takes out his rage in public. I used to - like you OP - call him out on it AND take the flak, but I get the impression the new wife came from a cultural/financial position where she isn't really his "equal"

But he isn't happy. He just needs to take out his resentment somewhere else.

This kind of person can't be fixed or managed, they're full of resentment. The only difference between them, the only changes they can be bothered to make are "how do I express my resentment? Passive aggressiveness or direct rage?"

He has done this before but we got past this

What do you mean by this, OP ? This isn't a we situation, this is a he situation. Did you think about any of my previous questions (since I am not invisible after all?)

I wonder if he is deliberately cutting down your support network, he has already partly succeeded hasn't he.

gah

OP

I noticed that you talk about him (imo) like he his a child. 'Learnt bad habits' etc. That kind of worries me for reasons I can't quite put my finger on.

I second AnyFucker's questions.

There isn't a valid excuse for this. Whatever the reason is behind his behaviour, nothing can make it right. Respect is so important to me and this would probably be a deal breaker. I can't think of one excuse that dh could offer me that would make this ok or acceptable enough to want to live with a man who treats me like dirt in public.

I know 'LTB' is not easy and I am in now way saying what I think you should do but I would wonder if he even actually liked me and I couldn't go home and be ok with him after that.

Not being able to go out in public with him? not being able to invite him to a works party incase he embarrasses you? How incredibly hurtful for you :(

It's interesting to read various theories about "why" this happens - I'm at a loss to know what underpins this. He's certainly not like this every time we're with company. It's completely intermittent.

However I agree totally that its disrespectful, and I've made my feelings very clear to him. On Thursday night, before our friends arrive on Friday, I'm going to have a very straight conversation: that if he doesn't treat me respectfully then he's going to find himself at solo host for the weekend.

I agree with U2 and AnyFucker

Anyfucker - I used the phrase "we got past this before" because it's something that involves both of us, but I agree that it was his behaviour, not mine, that was the problem.

In that case, he pretended for a while to "get past it" but he clearly didn't.

It's sometimes quite interesting to think what would happen if the genders were reversed. If you were a man, OP, and your wife was treating you like this, would you be hanging around taking it and trying to fix it?

I'm surprised more posters aren't talking in terms of emotional abuse. I see someone did recommend reading Lundy Bancroft, and someone else said the behaviour is a red flag, I guess for EA.
It's such a shame, apart from anything else, if you can't rely on having a nice night out together with friends - but always worrying about how he'll behave.
I didn't see whether you have DC together, but to me this relationship is not looking good. Sorry OP

Can someone suggest how to tackle this? Please don't all jump on the LTB bandwagon. We've been together 8 years, and other than this weird, intermittent social behaviour, I don't have much to complain about. It's very easy to suggest I leave him, but then surely anyone I meet in the future will have some sort of personality flaw?

Better the devil you know ?

Not every man acts like this. You are minimising when you call this a "personality flaw"...he treats you like this because he chooses to. The clue here is that he switches the behaviour on and off at will and that he doesn't do it to anyone else. He gets something out of it (you on the back foot and narrowing your world because of him)

However, if you are determined to stay with someone like this, I would suggest you employ zero tolerance when out in public. Tell him clearly and in earshot of everyone that you are leaving and leave at every little instance. Perhaps training him like the dog he is will turn him into a better person ? Oh, and you will have to constantly be on edge and police his behaviour, thus spoiling every single social occasion. Oh, and you will have to keep up a running commentary to your children along the lines of "daddy treats mummy like dirt, but never mind, try not to absorb those damaging lessons".

You will have to do this for the rest of your life with him. Looking attractive ?

Only you can know how good and/or bad your relationship is NearlyMonday - we just get an impression of things here.

But when people talk about red flags they mean the things you're not happy with here could easily escalate and get much worse, especially if you were to go on to have children together.

You only live once, you might be better off if you did leave this relationship.
Some of us are just asking you to consider that possibility.
You don't have to fix him you could just go.
Not everyone out there has a personality flaw
Perhaps you could be happier with someone else?
8 years may seem like a long time but it's nothing compared to a life-time ahead

I wouldn't be interested in finding out why he does it.

I guess you might say, 'treat me badly in public again and... - set out consequence - ...then if it happens see the consequence through.

Pretty horrendous to have to talk about respect/lay out rules of behavior like he's a ten year old.

"Can someone suggest how to tackle this?."

You cannot even begin to tackle this, this is not something that you can ever solve. What makes you think you are at all qualified to do so?. Its deeply inbuilt within his own psyche and besides which he does not even want to address the whys. He is really taking no responsibility for his actions here and has never apologised. The people who cited EA are right and by calling it a "personality flaw" you yourself minimise it. You really do not and/or cannot currently accept that this is really happening to you now.

If you choose to stay with him any children you have will also learn these self same damaging lessons. Also they could well start treating you with contempt because they see their dad do it and you currently accept and or minimise it in your head from him.

I also think that you are too scared to leave him, also the fear of doing that and "being on your own" keeps you within this. You have emotionally invested yourself in this but its the old sunken costs fallacy again. You forget that the damage has already been done.