Boyfriend of six months is on dating website

[VirginiaWoofs]

I've known my OH for a year

Well, I guess you pressed post too soon. But I already know what I think.

Oops posted to soon.

We've been together for six months and have also been living together since we met one year ago (flatmate/houseshare scenario).

Before we started dating we would both use the website Tinder in a slightly ironic way. Neither of us met up with people from the website but we both would use the app to flirt and chat to people.

When we became boyfriend and girlfriend I told him I didn't think we should use the app anymore and he said he thought that was reasonable.

Yesterday I found out he's been using it again. I wasn't snooping; my friend has a tinder account and saw him on the app as 'active 12 hours ago'.

Should I confront him? How?

Does he know your friend? If not can she contact him and see how he responds?

I would wait and see if he does it a bit more if you can.

A once off could be explained (either genuinely or not) as demonstrating the app to a mate, etc??

But multiple uses or any signs he's actually contacted someone on it would be game over.

Yes. You should. But are you clear that he agreed that you're 'exclusive'?

I should add that he is very much a lovely boyfriend in every other aspect. Very loving, considerate and understanding. He's will often put my needs before his.

Just dump him. Why would you invest anymore time & effort in a relationship where your

OH is already looking elsewhere? You deserve better.

I don, t think there is anything "ironic" in using Tinder...

I think finding out he was "active 12 hours ago" tells you all you need to know really.

Thing is, can you put up with it?

We are very much exclusive and have discussed our ideas of what is cheating very clearly.

He does know my friend so I would not want her to message him. I would prefer to ask him directly about it and express my disappointment.

However, I don't want to seem like I'm accusing him wrongly or over something trivial. He has told me before that he considers the app 'a laugh', 'nothing serious' and 'like chatting to a stranger on a bus'. He agreed to stop using it because I felt like it was still inappropriate. He said I was perfectly reasonable to think like that although he privately disagreed that using the app was inappropriate.

So he agreed to something he didn't agree with and then did what he wanted. You need to talk to him.

I think he used the app as a confidence boost rather than as a means of looking elsewhere. He got a kick out of someone 'liking' his profile. He never really bothered messaging anyone. So is it more of a self esteem thing? I'm just concerned that it's very easy to escalate.

You're not agreeing wrongly. But you do have a problem that you can't ignore.

No. I would see this as inappropriate. I don't believe that it's just a laugh for him, he knows you don't like it, so therefore he should stop.

I'm usually quite reasonable about stuff like this as well - but I would not be happy.

Ironically sharking for sex on a phone app? Uh-huh.
I don't think he thinks he is your boyfriend, sorry.
Would he be OK with you doing this?

He agreed to delete it because it bothered me- not because he thought it was an inappropriate app to use.

Could he have opened it by accident when trying to do something else on his phone?

You need to talk to him rather than us, obviously.

If he agreed to your request to stop using it, then he should have stopped using it. It doesn't matter if he privately disagrees whether it's important, the point is that an adult who says "I will do something" should do it.

He gets a kick out of someone liking his profile? How old is he? 18? Aren't you fabulous enough for him? If the answer's "no" and he needs the virtual ego stroke of Tinder then I'd be kicking his arse into the wide blue yonder.

But then I'm old…

I used the word 'ironically' incorrectly. Everyone in my circle who uses the app just does it as a confidence boost/general laugh.

OH said he wouldn't mind if I used it in this way as it 'doesn't mean anything'. I disagreed and we both deleted the app.

How can I discuss this with him?

So he deleted it and now has reinstalled it in secret?

He's 20 so not far off 18! And yes, I agree I should talk to him. I just wanted somewhere to outwardly process my thoughts so posted here

Talisa- yes I think so

Ah well….OP….are you asking how to confront him about this in a way that won't make him dump you?

Actually despite being old, I registered on Tinder a while back. And it wasn't for the fun of it. It was to meet up with someone. Sadly there was no-one in my area or probably my age but that's another story.

OP - are you afraid of confronting him about this?

So everyone you know is on the app but just chats and never takes it any further at all? It's entirely populated by people looking for a 'confidence boost'? I think at least some of your friends are not being entirely truthful about this.

However, the main issue here is whether this is a deal breaker for you. You can, of course, backtrack and decide it's not that big a deal after all. If you do, just be aware that a) he will keep using it and b) that use may not stay within agreed boundaries. He's already ignored such boundaries once. There's no reason why he wouldn't again.